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Potato of Terror

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The Terror Tatties of Troon!
by Potato of Terror
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Not rated by the Author.
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Dear reader, make sure you are sitting down before reading any further...

THE TERROR TATTIES OF TROON
by ~The Potato of Terror~

'Twas a braw bricht moonlicht nicht tha' nicht,
I was barking at the moon
when oh, I got an awfy fricht
when I heard the Tatties of Troon!

And they roared like Mr. Roary Bear
and stamped their hairy feet;
I would be gang awa' nae meer
tae that end o' the street!

They twirled wet clooties in the air
and mooned wi' shameless glee;
and I was foolish tae bide there
for they soon spotted me.

I cannae mind if it was day
or middle o' the neet,
they pelted me wi' clods o' clay
and socks that smelt of feet;

they painted me wi' Wintergreen
they cried me "Southern Loony";
and for the neet they crowned me queen
dressed in a girlie's goonie.

They waved at me their winkies small
wearin' naught but leery grins;
and they began tae drink and brawl
and wobble their wee chins.

Twas then I made my quick escape
in a hijacked wee wain's pram;
wheeling along crying "Help!" and "Rape!"
and naeb'dy gave a damn.

 

-----------------------------------

GLOSSARY:

awfy          = awful
bide, abide  = stay
braw          = beautiful
clootie        = teatowel, cloth
cried          = called
gang          = go, going
goonie        = dressing gown/robe
nae            = no
naeb'dy      = nobody
tae            = to
tatty         = potato
wain          = baby (not to confuse with bairn - child)

Wintergreen = insulating grease used by cross-channel swimmers (brand name)

bricht moonlicht nicht tha nicht = phonetically-spelt pseudo-Scottish way of saying "bright moonlight

 

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