THE TERROR TATTIES OF TROON
by ~The Potato of Terror~
'Twas a braw bricht moonlicht nicht tha' nicht,
I was barking at the moon
when oh, I got an awfy fricht
when I heard the Tatties of Troon!
And they roared like Mr. Roary Bear
and stamped their hairy feet;
I would be gang awa' nae meer
tae that end o' the street!
They twirled wet clooties in the air
and mooned wi' shameless glee;
and I was foolish tae bide there
for they soon spotted me.
I cannae mind if it was day
or middle o' the neet,
they pelted me wi' clods o' clay
and socks that smelt of feet;
they painted me wi' Wintergreen
they cried me "Southern Loony";
and for the neet they crowned me queen
dressed in a girlie's goonie.
They waved at me their winkies small
wearin' naught but leery grins;
and they began tae drink and brawl
and wobble their wee chins.
Twas then I made my quick escape
in a hijacked wee wain's pram;
wheeling along crying "Help!" and "Rape!"
and naeb'dy gave a damn.
awfy = awful
bide, abide = stay
braw = beautiful
clootie = teatowel, cloth
cried = called
gang = go, going
goonie = dressing gown/robe
nae = no
naeb'dy = nobody
tae = to
tatty = potato
wain = baby (not to confuse with bairn - child)
Wintergreen = insulating grease used by cross-channel swimmers (brand name)
bricht moonlicht nicht tha nicht = phonetically-spelt pseudo-Scottish way of saying "bright moonlight