Eric The Viking
by Marcus_ Aurelius
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Rated "R" by the Author.
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A comedic and bawdy biopic of everyday Viking life.(Emphasis on bawdy)
Meticulously researched, I drank lots of strong Romulan ale to reach the right frame of mind.
"Krjúpum vér fyr vápna, valteigs, br--kun eigi, svá bauð Hildr, at hjaldri, haldorð, í bug skjaldar. Hátt bað mik, þar's m--ttusk, menskorð bera forðum, hlakkar íss ok hausar, hjalmstall í gný malma."
*good viking shit
ERIC ET L'ENTOURAGE
DEL MOULIN ROUGE
Aboard Eric's longboat
Whose prow cleaves a wake
With steely eyes glazed he shouts
Lads for fuck's sake!
I once fought with Grendel
You cowardly drunks!
One sniff of a battle
You take to your bunks
Not so Great Lord Eric, said Hrothgar the Foul
It's Britain you see, that makes the men scowl
They're fed up with monks who display no aggression
Why some of the men have sat down to confession!
Chalices, crosses and vestments are boring
Lets change course for Paris and spend the night whoring!
We'll cruise up the Sienne and set fire to the city, and watch Moulin Rouge with Gaborshe's so pretty!
There's no Eiffel tower, but perhaps the Pigalle? Those women are rough , it's like O.K Corral!
And so Viking Eric, earnestly beseeched
Yelled 'While you've been whining, the boat's fucking beached!'
Where's our navigator, old Hallbiôrn the blind? Watching Terminator to help him unwind!
Head bowed and chastised, Hallbiôrn knew he'd been lax
When Eric took his legs and arms with an axe To warlike god Odin looked Hallbiôrn for strength , The blind fool had led them to France
So Eric being horny slipped Halbiorn a length, asthe crew played loud music called trance.
Odin in Valhalla then passed them an omen
The crew froze and ducked beneath sheilds
The lads are fucked now, here come the French bowmen!
Said Thor as they poured across fields.
Now beached and surrounded the Norsemen thought quickly,
They beat on their armor with swords.
The French were quite dandy and asked rather slickly,
Why not fuck off back to your fjords?
Here's three crates of Merlot, a gift if you like, we'll help you get back in the water
It's better than feeling the point of my Pike Or perhaps you would marry my daughter? So frightfully ugly was this madamoiselle, that Eric himself was struck dumb. The whole crew stood still and chorused 'Fucking Hell!'
She'll soon have him under the thumb
This petrified Eric, and thus he saw reason
To stock up the longboat with wine
We're outa here guys, let's just come back next season. We celebrate now, let's go dine!
This Frenchman called Odo had won through his guile,
King Charles would be mightily chuffed. He bade them farewell but was met with a smile
Oh look, it's your daughter being muffed!
The taunt came from Eric, safe out in high seas
As Hallbiorn the blind did his duty-his head stuck between the foul madamoiselle's knees
Though blind he knew this was no beauty!
The saga here endeth, for this day at least, The last laugh to Eric the Red With wine he then toasted that filthiest beast
The one he'd forced Hallbiôrn to wed .
Go tell the vikings.
Copyright Marcus-Aurelius Preposterous 2008
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|Reviewed by Terry Rizzuti
|Great poem, Marcus. Thoroughly enjoyed it and your Bio, although the Additional Information made perfect sense to me. Terry|
|Reviewed by Ed Matlack
|While Rome did burn, you were hanging out with the Vikings till they left France and became Merlot wino's...Too bad they don't play football as well as they whine & drink same...Ed & Rufuz (w00f) [welcome to AuthorsDen]|