cruel nights

before i do it
the phone rings at the other end
like a drip from ice melting
forever stretching its moment
doing what it does best
prolonging

when finally a voice says "hello"
my mouth opens
but like the icicle
suddenly ensconced by a frigid waft
my moment is frozen

"hello" comes the voice a second time
the voice i know
but wish to forget
again

with sweat soaked hand
i tuck the cell back
in its safety net atop my heart
and walk the few steps further

the railing is nothing
the ledge is harder
the peering down into rushing water
oh
so
easy

the pause
the moment
finality...

i choke

to awaken from such a dream
is unfair

i'm afraid
i'm so afraid to dial again
before i do it