Crush
by Danielle Mundy
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Rated "G" by the Author.
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you're at my door again
holding those broken pieces
asking me to put them back
where they belong
but these jagged edges bleed me, too
these words I long to say
keep sticking in my chest
and I'm slowly suffocating
playing just a friend to you
she'll never be what you need
and I'll never have that chance
so I bleed for you
wordlessly
while I fix what keeps breaking
just to see you smile
that smile for me
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| Reviewed by Jolynne Hudnell |
1/4/2010 |
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| I almost cried when I read this. I can relate. The simplicity is what drives it home. |
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| Reviewed by Regis Auffray |
10/4/2009 |
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This tugs at my "soul strings," Danielle. I can completely relate. I love and appreciate that you are able to share your feelings. This is very meaningful and compelling. Thank you. Love and best wishes to you,
Regis |
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| Reviewed by Danielle Mundy |
10/4/2009 |
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hence the title being "Crush"...or was that not obvious??
I had to do an addendum here because the more I saw that pithy comment below, the more the condescending tone of it irritated me. Obviously, you are a writer or are a person that enjoys others' writing if you are visiting this site. That being so, I'm sure that everyone here comprehends that there are as many styles of writing as there are shades of blue. A sad story is still an observation, and apparently the "message" came across if you were able understand the meaning of it. That the writing "lacked maturity" is intentional, and if you'd ever bothered to read any of my other works then you would be able to ascertain that fact. Criticism here is intended to be based on the craft of the poem, not necessarily the content. If a style is not to your particular taste THEN DON'T LEAVE A COMMENT, especially not one telling the author that they obviously can't write based on your browsing of one piece. The problem with supposed critics is that they THINK they know what they are talking about when they most likely just woke up having a bad hair day. On a side note, when you do decide to force your close-minded and condescending opinions on others, you might want to use a grammar and punctuation check before you hit the send key. Just a suggestion. Have a great day all. |
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| Reviewed by Ronny Colanski |
10/4/2009 |
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| This could work for a song,one of those that 16 years old stupid girls love,but you cant possibly call this a poem.This is not a poem.It lacks of maturity,of seriousness.This poems is missing the depth that is crucial for a poem.This just a schoolgirl loving a schoolboy that dont love her back and that he wants her just as a friend.No depth,no observation,no messages to give.You're not traveling or observing,you're just telling your little "sad" story.Not so sad. |
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| Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner |
10/4/2009 |
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Danielle,
This reminds me of a country song, as well - will do anything to keep him smiling. (Yourself, too, I would imagine.) Well done!
(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. |
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| Reviewed by Felix Perry |
10/4/2009 |
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Danielle this is wonderful writing, first thing that came to mind is what fantastic song lyrics this would make. Space it, pluck out a chorus, and some chords and it's Sugarland's newest chart topper. Well done girl.
hugs
fee |
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