Beloved* -Loveless (Short Story) - 10/13/2006 8:53:20 AM
The the plot--core of the story--is strong and intersting, as is the use of present tense verbs. Most stories use past tense. The difference isn't a bad thing, it adds immediancy to the action, but the overall pacing is too swift. The drama of the events is lost by the haste with which events pass. A lot of the details that readers want to experience are skimmed over. I would recommend rewriting with more of an attempt to show the events and not "tell" about them. Include more sensory detail.
Save me...Rescue me... (Poetry) - 2/17/2010 7:27:14 PM
Chilling words to express inner most thoughts. Yet, I can't help but think how all life has worth even when we don't see it. Beautiful writing...
Be always safe,
Asylum ( My Sanctuary) (Poetry) - 9/30/2008 12:50:36 PM
Great story about the insane. It happens and is not a pretty picture. all he went through death is the answer for him to go to a better life than the living hell he was going through in prison.
Hate( Revised) (Poetry) - 9/23/2008 11:19:12 AM
I think it works just fine. -- Jeff
Hate( Revised) (Poetry) - 9/22/2008 12:27:10 PM
It does work, the form. Good stuff.
Hate( Revised) (Poetry) - 9/18/2008 11:53:18 AM
This is very heavy. Sounds like you had the most unperfect man in the world. So did I at one time, but not THAT bad.
Hollow Inside( I just dont care ) (Poetry) - 9/17/2008 2:35:27 PM
Your lamenting emotions shine through in this piece so full of desperation of spirit....
Be always safe,