A time of Reminiscing....
I can smell the sun
I woke up with the sun shining in my eye.
I tilted my head and figured that there was a crooked window blind that is letting the beam of
hmmm.. De Javu? I told myself, this happened to me before. 20 years ago, back home.
I was 12, one morning I opened my eye squinting because of the sunlight coming in through
the window. Still dizzy I tilted my head and looked around, no movement. it was a quiet morning.
My little brother beside me still asleep. I was getting up to fix the curtain when I smelled
something. I took a deep breath and told myself "hey I can smell the sun!". I smiled.
I remember that day. a day of peace, a day when I had nothing to worry about. Memories started to come back.
I remember how happy we were, how happy I was. Getting excited about smal things.
Family gatherings, birthdays, picnics. It was simple. Moments when me, my brother & sister would have our
elbows on the window pane, waiting, I see their eyes light up when they see a relative coming.
Moments like that.
By the way, my parents was separated and we stayed with Dad. They both love and want us but my Dad somehow won custody
so my Mom wasn't in the picture for a while.
I remembered my Grandma, a very Strict and disciplined old fasioned lady. She always tell us to be neat & clean,
respect the elders, always help them. Say your prayers and always finish your food "there's alot of people who
is starving" so we who have it must not waste it she says. And always thank the person who prepared your food. Compliments to the chef.
She has the greenest thumb. All her plants
are vivid and green. She dust them, wipes them. My Grandma was known in our area as strict but nice. She will
help you anyway she can, that's why they respect her.
But she has this rule that when a ball enters our garden, she will keep that ball. So basically all the kids
playing outside with their ball must be careful. Well you know the ball is round,
somehow it always end up in the garden. Kids would cry and tell the parents then they will say "You knew the rules?!"
That's the end of it.
One day my Dad told me let's go the hospital. He said Your Grandma has been sick for awhile now let's say hi to her.
We went and I saw everyone there, crying. They didn't let all the kids in her room, but we saw my Grandma from outside.
She has something in her face like a mask and her chest was pumping. She was shaking. The door closed.
Then after that the next time I saw her was in a coffin. I didn't get to say hi to her....
I don't remember crying, even at the funeral. Not a tear, I didn't know how to react, but I was really sad
and I miss her. After the burial everyone went to Grandma's house to clean up and do whatever needs to be done.
All of us Grandkids went upstairs to the room where Grandma puts everything for stock. You can smell
old wood everytine you enter that room. We saw this big brown wooden cabinet. One cousin said "I'm opening it".
As the door opened different balls came tumbling down, around 50 to 60 balls. Volleyball, Basketball, tennis,
you name it. They were the balls that Grandma kept, It was all there. I cried.... I didn't get to say goodbye to her.
Years went by, everybody went their separate ways. We live with my Dad with her new wife. She was not very friendly.
She mis-treated us, beat us and stuff. We didn't say anything because she said we'll get more beating after.
I don't wanna give out all the details but all I can say is I grew up crying everyday.
But the day came when finally Dad said you can go to your Mom if you choose, and we told him we would like that.
He has kids of his own with his wife he has a family. He still love us we we love him. We went with Mom.
20 years went by. Ups and downs, in and out. joy and sorrow whatever it is. I grew up.
4 years ago I met a girl, For the first time I told myself. This is God telling me
"Here my son a gift for all the struggles you've been through".
She is so wonderful, that I couldn't believe I'm with her.
Oh how much I love her. I tell people how everything she does is perfect, she is perfect!
Because of that I always had a say about what she should wear, how she sould act.
I loved her so much that without realizing, I was suffocating her.
How could I do something like that? How could I act so mean to someone. Specially someone I love.
Her love for me faded, and she left. Which is the right thing to do.
It's been a year now since we broke up, I still love her. She's with another man now. I said "what a lucky guy".
You know I built my future around her, I used to tell her "Hun I can't wait to go home to you".
My journey to the unknown begins again. She was my light in the dark, now it's gone.
I always ask God to forgive me, "Sorry I let you down".
So at the moment I'm trying to pursue the
thing I always wanted to do. Photography. The art of freezing time, where you can capture a moment of joy or sorrow.
I still don't know what the future holds, if God have forgiven me?
I thought maybe, just maybe. God left that crack in the window the other day, so I can smell the sun.
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