I suppose today began like any other day in my life; with one exception...Spiritual Memory Recall. I awoke this particular morning through God’s mercy and grace as I do every morning, to find myself deep in thought about my past. The very first thought in my head as I became conscious, was about what had happened to me in the past. Not many people that I come into contact with really want to think about their past; and especially not their Youthful past.
Should I mention that, nothing out of the ordinary had happened during that former week, so there were no real conscious reasons for this recollection, however my sub-conscious mind begged to differ with me; it is unconsciously always on the alert and I can only guess that today was to be the day that references to some previous deeds were made.
My thought processes took off like wildfire and I was thrown into something that I can not label, even now; unless I call it "Un-finished business". As far as I was concerned the past was to remain the past. All those "Ghosts" were to remain hidden in the archives, however I was not to be that lucky. I proceeded to the bathroom to take a shower and as I entered the shower, something brought a smile to my face. Some familiar feeling. I felt good all over. Because it was 5:00 in the morning; feeling good was not something I would experience often; if ever.
The face of my mother appeared to me just as if she were in the room. She had a full beautiful smile...pearly white teeth, caramel complexion skin and wavy soft sandy brown shoulder length hair. Mother was not a tall woman ( 5'5") of an average build, however she reeked of sensuality, perfection, charisma and the most beautiful NATURAL beauty I have ever since seen. I could smell her perfume and hear her voice, as plain as day. The scent filled the bathroom. No it was not the shower gel; it was something unexplainable. And at that moment I felt as if I were a little girl again and she was directing my hygiene movements. Sounds strange huh? There is more.
My mind was thrown into some time of mental archive and I began to see something that resembled an old movie reel.
Mother died on April 28, 1974 in Provident Hospital on Chicago’s south side. A blood vessel burst in her head while she was suffering a "GRANDMA Seizure" and although the hospital told me she was in a coma...somehow I knew she was waiting for me to arrive at the hospital. When I got to her room and held her hand; a small tear immediately ran down her face and then she flat-lined.
The green line on the monitoring machine went flat...I thought that I was engulfed in a dense fog...I was confused and sick to my stomach. I wanted to die ...with my mother. My sense of reasoning went blank...I wanted to runaway but I was afraid to leave. I wanted to scream and cry, but I could not scream or cry loud enough or deep enough to quench the empty pain that was running amuck throughout my body...I could not believe that at that moment my mother’s life force had been drained and she was no more than a limp airless balloon lying in a bunch of covers waiting to be discarded.
The one person whom I finally realized that I loved more than life itself...was GONE. I had been deserted and abandoned...How could GOD do this to me?
My sister Deborah came over to me and put her arms around my trembling shoulders and said that "Mama was waiting for you". I remember thinking that as the eldest child...I should have been comforting her, but she was comforting me...my little sister.
Willie Mae Wilkins died on the due date of my first born son. The child mother had told me many times that she so desperately wanted to see! I felt that my mother had been cheated out of this wonderful event by the "Angel of Death".
Unious was not born until May 21, 1974 (almost a month later) he had to be delivered by forceps and TWO doctors. The doctors said I was in my 10th month and believe it or not; my mind and body were afraid to give birth to this child. I was afraid that the one thing that now belonged to me "Personally" might leave me just as my mother had...and I would be left alone in this MADDENING world...all alone.
I did not want to expose this wonderful part of me to this unpredictable world. Perhaps it was only that I wanted to hold onto something I loved more than my own life because I had lost the most important part of me...My Mother.
21 days after she died, the hospital prepared me to deliver my first born child into this world. If they had not done emergency procedures for his delivery...we both would have died. I had 114 stitches inside and out and I was unable to have a bowel movement for three weeks. This was to be the first of three other deliveries in child birth, but this was the longest most painful experience ever...18 hours of unyielding horrendous pain...I felt as if an alien was trying to free itself from the encasement of my body.
Every joint in my body began to dislocate itself and the excruciating pain was coming from somewhere far deeper than this child trying to be born...There had to be something going on inside me that the doctors and nurses had missed...and I could NOT be given any pain killers...this is how delicate this delivery was. I wanted to die, but something kept telling me that I must live and in spite of how dreadful I was feeling...that it would all be worth it in the end.
During one of my screaming segments...I saw my mothers face and heard her voice...I even felt her hand on my brow as she cooly coached me down. She kept telling me that I was not going to die and that this pain would all be worth it when I saw the end result.
Yes...Unious was the perfect baby.
He looked just like my Mother. Beautiful long thick curly black hair. Five fingers and toes. Wonderful angelic face and weighed 10 pounds.
As soon as I saw his face, I fell in love...I never wanted another human being to put their hands on him and I made sure that happened. My sister and his father were only allowed to hold him for a short time...after that I would begin to miss him and wanted him in my arms again.
I instantly named him Unious ( after his father). His middle names came about only after GOD had talked to me and assured me that he ONLY had given my mother peace and rest. Somehow in my soul...I knew God was right!!! Hence Unious Rassoull Allah Johnson was named. (Meaning God’s Gift).
My husband at the time; Unious Jones, took excellent care of me and his only child. Being a father to this angelic child was one of the things he lived for. Every time he looked at or held his son...pride, love and wonder swept across his face. Sometimes I would catch him starring admirably at me and I would become embarrassed, because I never thought of myself as anyone spectacular...however my husband would make sure that I was aware of his undying love for me and how very special I was, everyday until his untimely death in 1976.
He was such a caring and patient man and I knew how deeply he loved us. It shown in everything he did for us. Tirelessly he would do over and beyond the duties performed by any hospital staff.
When my bowels locked and I could not walk...my husband went to the hospital, got the medicine I need to cause a bowel movement that would help restore my body to order and he administered them to me, while also caring for our son. I couldn’t get out of the bed. I was unable to care for our son.
My mind was grieving and I was going through new inadequate mother syndrome.
My husband and my sister were by my side through all the chaos and drama.
Unious would pick me up, sit me in a tub of hot water (as prescribed by the hospital)and give me an enema. After that, he would bathe me and monitor every stool that I had; collecting them and taking them back to the hospital for the lab to evaluate.
As my husband and a new father...I don’t remember ever hearing him complain. I don’t believe there has ever been a greater or deeper love for anyone, than what he had for our entire family.
My sister Deborah lost her eyesight temporarily and Unious made sure she was cared for and gave her medicine on time. Took her to doctors appointments and cared for her two little girls; Felicia and Arnetta. It is safe to say that he had possibly made a deal with my mother to care for the whole family, if she should die. He kept his end of the bargain. Somehow I know that both of them are still watching over us...
I still wonder sometimes how he put up with me and why he loved me...I was not a nice person.
I kept standing there in the shower while the water rain over my head...I kept remembering those events; experiencing those same horrid feelings that I’d had when these events had taken place. However time seemed to slow down to a snails crawl and somehow I began to work thorough these feelings that had once again invaded my heart and mind, after what I had considered to be a long period of time...I finally heard my mother’s voice again as she said..."this part is over, but you will finally begin to heal...God Bless You Shelly and I will be back".
Immediately I flung open the shower door and looked around the bathroom. The sense of her presence that I had felt and the aroma of her perfume were gone...just as if they had never been there.
I was a little shaken, yet I must say that a part of my heart seemed lighter...as if a small burden had been lifted. As I left for work that day, I kept happily seeing my mother’s face in my minds eye and I heard her voice...I find myself looking for her from time to time and I thank God for this spiritual connection.
These are no secret to me ...I mean about having visits from spirits beyond the realm of what many consider normal. I have been visited quite a few times during this life-time. Yes ; I said "during this lifetime"! However, the hairs still stand up on the back of my neck and my spider sense still tingles, when an energy surrounds me. And even greater is my ability to connect with the spirit world.