Chewing the Fat
“Well, son, pull up a portion of this here log; have a little sit down shall we. I won’t keep you long. I know you got things to do and from the looks of you, sitting still might be quite the chore. At any rate young fella, I come across a newspaper which in itself is a miracle, considering 99 percent of the population around here couldn’t read the instructions on how to tie their shoes if they had shoes. Being you’re the only ear around kinda makes you a chosen member of this here little discourse on human events.
There’s a story about President Garfield: seems he got himself killed, not outright mind you, but killed just the same. I like to get your equitable opinion on it if it’s not too much bother.”
“Mr. I ain’t never seem no newspaper, ain’t heard of no Presaudent Gillfish either.”
“Woo Nelly stop the wagon, everyone off. Now I am going to let Presaudent fly on by. Being that my words ain’t as you say more then a foot from your ear. How is it that from that short of a distance, Garfield went in your right ear and came out the left side of your bottom lip Gillfish? Young man if that don’t beat all.
Before we proceed any farther with this literature of the greatest import; look at me when I’m trying to converse with ya. That’s better, now repeat after me. Gar Gar Field Field. Let’s put the two together shall we. Garfield. Now I shall proceed.”
“You sure is a mean fella. Fancy with all those words, dumb matters and all, mister.”
“Well young fella if you’d close up your pie hole for a minute and pull the cotton out of your ears, I figure I’ll enlighten you. Where on earth did you hear talk like that? You wouldn’t be one of those overly enthused young men that lets his mouth overrun the watering jug now, would you.
“No, sir, that’s what my pappy says. When he hears dumb matters, didn’t mean no harm by it.”
“None taken. I think. Dumb matters, we’re going to get along just fine. Now back to matters of immeasurable imports my friend, Huck, Junior, of sorts.”
“I ain’t no Huck Junior; my name be Billy Parsons, mister.”
“At any rate Mr. Billy Parsons with an s. Button up your bottom lip and lend me your ear. I shall proceed.”
“Where’d you get the paper, mister.”
“There you go, opening up the gates of needless things before I proceed into revealing the majesty of print to you.”
“That’s what I figured. Now I’ll try not to embellish the words of a wiser man then. I’ll just take it right off the hindquarter. Billy, my boy, let’s advance into the unknown, once more I shall proceed.”
“Why? We going their fur?”
“I’ll ignore that and proceed with the headlines of that day.
July 12, 1881 or they’re about. A nation mourns. Not another word Billy, my boy. These are the events of that day as told by Bernard Smothers maybe, of Washington D.C. possible at any rate.
“What’s that supposed to mean, mister?”
“Silence is golden my friend I shall proceed. I was an eye wittiness to the Killing of President Garfield.
“This is Mr. Smother’s testimony Billy, my boy, as he revealed it and printed it here for all the world to read.”
“I was standing near the President when I overheard the conversation between him and Mr. Guiteau. I will tell it just as I heard, and try to describe everything I saw as I saw it. Bernard Smothers of Washington D.C.”
"What he see mister?"
"One more outburst and I'll have to find me another member of this here exclusive club of paper chasing; now stop all the guess work and find out. I shall proceed.
"Mr. Guiteau approached the President who was standing near the south entrance to the train tracks. The President was alone at the time,waiting for the train."
"He's a right smart fella that Smoothers."
"It's not becoming to interlope on a man in the middle of a recitation; now close the blinds on that window in your observation gallery. I shall proceed."
"I could hear the conversation taking place between the two men, Guiteau began by saying and I quote this verbatim."
"Whats a vermenbay, mister?."
" Going to be a long day ain't it. Billy my boy, a long day. I shall proceed!"