Abandoned Life ~ Autobiography: Part Five:
Twenty years down the road life pushed and pulled her into a descent, deep into the turmoil of despair. Her life was not the so-called perfect one anymore. Always looking back knowing if she did not allow those silly moments of weakness to take place, her life could’ve been so much better, brighter and happier.
Tinka…moving around in agony once more… alone and feeling unloved
The chair she sits on not very comfortable, She is so tired; it has been a very long day. All she wants is to get home. It’s been a very long three weeks searching for a job. She needs so desperately to get out of this place. It makes her feel trapped, no fresh air to breathe in. No ocean to wash away her tears, no beach to walk on when she needs to clear her head, she thinks with an unhappy grin on her face. The job she wanted to do so desperately as a journalist seems so far out of reach. She came to this place with so much anticipation and such high hope that she would find it on the first day. Once again no luck and Tinka has over played her hand once again. She was so full of confidence that she would be successful. She wanted to work so badly as a journalist and become a well - known writer. She loved to imagine, Tinka the well - known author and published poet, whenever time allows her to write her poetry. But it seemed there was no time to do so and no one interested in her dream; sighing only fate can provide the kind of luck she would need.
“An Author!” she could hear her father say in disbelief; knowing her dad had no patience with such fantasies let alone new technology like computers and the Internet. He still believed that only hard work could secure a regular monthly income, no matter how small or big the task.
“I want more than just a job dad” defending herself. Knowing her dad had no positive words to offer.
Each time it was the same. Tinka would eventually walk through the door, once again very disappointed in herself and her life, her dad looking at her with a million questions visible in his eyes, as he waited for her to return from where ever she ventured off to.
“Nothing Dad”, she would say with pain written on her face, kicking her shoes off. “Everyone is telling me to come back the moment I have more experience in writing, maybe I am just not good enough for this dad! Tell me dad how am I supposed to get experience if nobody wants to give me a chance to prove myself, Huh?”
“I think you are wasting time my girl. Maybe if you studied further you would be more successful, but as you know we just don’t have that kind of money.”
“But this is so unfair dad”, Tinka explode, leaving her all flushed and flames shooting from her eyes. “Does that mean only rich people may have ambitions in life?”
“Unfortunately we are not rich”, her dad would lecture in a firm tone of voice. “And the sooner you get that through your head the better my girl. Keep the faith and all will work out”
“And how the hell do you expect me to do that dad?’ Tinka would ask, a sharp tone in her voice.
“That’s easy, go do the hairdressing job you were offered at that Salon. They are short staffed and they would be too happy to take you in, knowing how skillful you are creating new looks. You are a gifted artist and hairdressing is a form of art too you know. So you will be a creator and you can still do your writing in your free time”.
“The hairdressing Salon dad? Are you serious? That is a low class job dad, and the pay is not even enough to pay my rent!”
“I know but soon you will be qualified and you can start your own business, if you put your heart into. It’s about time that you stand on your own two feet.”
Tinka did not answer her dad but instead starred down at her hands and thinking. “Will this be the life I would have to live…or shall I make a move and just do it for a while? Not that I am unthankful for the roof over my head…but this is not me…why do I have to put up with this? I need to get to the top and be the person I am.”
“Are you not going to say anything Tinka?” her dad asked.
Tinka snapped out of her thoughts, after all she had to respond when her dad snapped his finger.
“Dad, I don’t want to work there.”
“Gmf…you are just like your mother…your head filled with all kind of silly ideas. Get a life girl. The sooner you realize you are not a rich girl the sooner you will get paid and you will learn to live accordingly.”
“In other words Dad… I am and will forever be poor…and I should get used to it. I am a nothing and am suppose to be a nothing for the rest of my bloody life?” Tinka asked bitterly. “There is food in the oven”…her dad muttered trying to change the subject.
“I’ve already eaten” he exclaimed ”…and oh yeah there is mail for you from some place unknown to me. The postal stamp is not very clear to see… wonder from who it can be?”
“Must be from that sister of yours…wonder what happened that she is trying to contact you after such a long time?”
Tinka did not answer her dad on that. The sarcasm in his voice enough to make her sick, knowing this must be bad news or her sister would not write her.
She took the food from the oven and choked it down, forcing herself to stay calm with the urge to just leave the food untouched.
But the letter was not from her sister…it was from someone very special to her at one time.
After she had eaten just a few bites Tinka took the letter from the sideboard.
“It was a typed letter,” she said disappointedly, took a second look at the postage stamp. It was posted in Beaufort-West where Pieter was the last time she had a letter from him.
“Maybe he got promoted, and has a secretary now, her dad said.”
Or maybe he was back with his ex girlfriend, she thought with disbelief written all over her face.
That was the main reason Tinka wanted to break it off with him because he could never stop loving Julia’s body. He always had to bring her in to their fights, telling Tinka how good Julia was in bed. He could not cope with the fact that Tinka was different in that way. She saved her virginity for her wedding night and he could not handle that well.
Tinka smiled at her dad’s silly remark…and walked to her room to be alone, knowing this could be serious. Maybe it’s from his commander telling that he got hurt or killed serving the army against terrorism in northern Africa.
Tinka opened the letter slowly. She saw the heading “Beaufort–West–Military Training Camp”. She felt a sudden numbness in her legs, and sat down on her bed. But the news was not all that bad.
He wanted her in his life…but was still in military training and had a month left before returning back to town. Seems he would be going back as permanent staff taking the job that was offered to him as a trainer.
Pieter, her ex fiancé, was coming home for the weekend, wanted to give their relationship a second chance. But deep down inside Tinka was not ready for this. She wanted her own career, wanted to become a writer not a housewife. And besides, Julia was still a factor and she could not get over that. “Why did he not marry her instead…or was she just his whore?” she thought.
Deep in thought, Tinka slowly put the letter back into its envelope. She made up her mind. She is not going to go through with this relationship. Mom and dad never liked Pieter. Always told her he would be a husband with the wandering eyes, and would never stay faithful to her. She knew this was true , because of her “wonderful” past history with Julia.
Pieter did not realize Tink’s brother and his best pal were in the same army camp though not in the same regiment serving as a “Recci” (undercover training).
Peter did come home, but left so fast he did not even have a chance to explain why she did not hear from him for the longest time. Roomers and gossip have the nasty habit of reaching those who are not suppose to know.
It was the beginning of new chapter in Tinka’s unhappy disrupted life. With no journalist job in sight she felt a need to take action and do it quickly.