Public Service Announcements:
To: Roman Polanski
The high heels, whipped cream and billy goat you ordered came in. I couldn't let the goat run around loose so please pick them up as soon as you can. My mother-in-law's Buick is really becoming a mess.
To: Uncle Herbert
Your broker called. It was a strange message. He just said, "Uh-Oh!" and mumbled something about calling him in Jamaica. Have a great day.
To: My old girlfriend Darla
Sorry to hear that you were diagnosed with Jeffrey Dahmer complex. Is that why you always wanted to play "tickle me" with a bowie knife?
But, I always liked Darla. She was really a low upkeep kind of girl. Mostly, she just sat in the corner and didn't bother anybody unless they made a loud noise. She doesn't like loud noises. So, I thought it strange that she kept a roller derby team locked in the bathroom. There's not much room to skate in there so they just mainly bumped around a lot. They were real troopers. Come to think of it, I believe she had one of those in the closet. Any time a group of us got together, I always told my friends, "If I start running, try to keep up."
To: My neighbor Akmed
Sorry you had to move so suddenly. I found a box in your garage though. It's kind of pretty with all the multi-colored wires and flashing lights. And the Play-Doh inside is great. It's all gray but that's alright. I made a horsie out of it. Can I keep it?
I'll be performing at Dusty Bob's Car Wash and Undertaking Salon on Thursday. At Dusty Bob's, you can get that crap out of your truck bed and off Uncle Willie at the same time. Dusty has equipment that will take the paint off a bull dozer so you can rest assured that Uncle Willie will go in the ground as clean as a whistle and smelling like Corvette leather.
I'll also be performing my new single, "Love Can Give You A Fever Blister".
As my mother used to say, "I told you not to go to that place!"
For more, go to my site, diggerdan.this-thing-itches.