What does a snail say when he's riding on the back of a turtle?
Okay, it's an old joke. But then again, I'm an old goat.
Well, flu season is upon us...again. It seems to be a 12-month-a-year problem these days. Of course, we're given general prevention guidelines such as, get a flu shot, wash your hands or cough into your elbow but if you think about it, how do we catch the flu in the first place? How do we end up with a cold, head lice, chest congestion or general yuckiness? Most of the time, we catch these vomit-producing little weasels from other people so it's only logical that we find some way to steer clear of these disease-infested individuals. My personal favorite is to go in the house and caulk the windows and doors from the inside. And don't forget that concrete works wonders.
But, we're bound to run out of food sooner or later so that trek into town will become imperative at some point. However, take some measures to protect yourself.
You can generally keep people at a distance by using the most basic of remedies which is to only shop after consuming large quantities of pickled pig's feet, pickled eggs, Old Milwaukee beer and beans.
Caution: This method may not work at Wal-Mart.
One good trick is to play on the sympathy of your fellow shoppers. Simply walk up to a group of people and say, "Could you help me find grandpa? He was bitten by a stray dog last week and he's starting to act a little crazy." Or, you can assist an elderly person down the aisle while shouting, "Dead man walking!"
Caution: This may not work at Wal-Mart either.
You can also walk through a crowded area while mumbling, "Now where did I put that snake?"
If you'd like to cut to the chase, just find a middle-eastern looking gentleman and scream, "He's got a bomb!" Or, look at a group of people and say, "Did one of you people steal my anthrax? Somebody stole my anthrax!" It helps if you drool a little.
One of my favorites is to approach a large group, spit on the floor and say, "Boy! That smallpox medication tastes like crap!"
If you're really desperate, you can just set the store on fire and wait for everybody to run out. Of course, this will cut your shopping time down to almost nothing.
If you have to be in public, there are always precautionary medications you can take but I like to keep it simple. Slug down a shot of Jack Daniels in the morning. Take a shot of Jose Cuervo at lunch time. Consume a double-shot of moonshine after supper and if necessary, drink hoo-head John until sleep comes involuntarily. Remember, alcohol is our friend.
Before I go, I'd like to pass along an age-old remedy for head lice. Go to the movies and rub your scalp vigorously with popcorn. When the lice go for a drink of water, simply move down a couple of rows.
I hope these suggestions help. Live long, prosper and try not to sneeze in my direction. Happy shopping.
My psychiatrist, Dr. Demonic, says that, psychologically speaking, I am the buttermilk of ice cream treats. I am the brussels sprouts of confectionery delights, the Timothy Geithner of financial wizardry and the Hugo Chavez of intelligent thought. That's why I super glued his nostrils shut while he was napping.
But, as my mother used to say, "Make an offer. Please! Somebody make an offer!"
I don't get it.