Lonnie Hicks, click here
to update your web pages on AuthorsDen.
An idiom is a terrible thing to waste. I know; no one asked.
Things I did not know
Testament—A special religious mint you get on your pillow at hotels
have a bone to pick with
In some countries bones are used instead of chopsticks for dining
hit or miss
When you miss your mouth trying to eat with bones
have heart in mouth
rock the boat
When sharks attack
have the mullygrubs
An ancient Viking STD
have a mind of my own
Number one wish item on the Bimbo bucket list
Stature of Liberty Pose
Waitresses carrying flambe' drinks in a crowded bar
Juggling one’s lovers, each of which may weigh 175 pounds
What's eating you?
Cannibal expression of love
nip and tuck
Robin Hood’s sidekicks
Male bad aim at the toilet
saddle an animal up
Women who pin money in their bras
never; been better
Hitler’s Last Words
A washing machine with political views
a paper tiger
A tiny tiger which can administer severe paper cuts.
Arouse the Dead
Futile attempt at love-making
a love nest
A bird come-on
on dangerous grounds
Five dollar lattes at Starbucks
be as sound as a dollar
Make me laugh
a dead duck
When zombies duck to avoid decapitation in Hollywood
The pace at which truth arrives at the office watercooler
A creeper talking to his wife
Nuns hitting palms with rulers
got to split
When two atoms divorce
Ice Cream with a thousand calories
A warning to Darwin which he ignored
stay abreast of
Every man’s dream
cock a snook
A snook is a firearm used during the Civil War
baptism of fire
Ceremony in the Greek Orthodox church involiving baptismal rites, fire and naked men.
a quantum leap
A style of leaping popularized by creepers
out of season
Wife has a headache
in seventh heaven
When six heavens just won’t do
at some time sharp
When alarm clocks were also bowie knives
Make your mind up
Some people apply make-up to their minds to give the illusion of a brain.
cast a pall over
Those depressed friends who come over and suck the life out of you.
Your desire to suddenly leave. See above
on the fly
When women look low when they think no one is looking
nearly fall off the chair
What a gentleman does for a lady in love-making
What happens to a gentleman who does not obey the above rule
at a loss for words
The reduced speech capabilities of a gentleman above after spitting blood
stem to stern
Love-making instructions some women secretly would like to give
Love-making instructions of some men would secretly like to have
When straight people out themselves
at a price
Love-making negotiations in certain cities
be in the pipeline
Those waiting for a puff on the pipe
Too many cooks
A joke at the annual “People Named Cook” convention
To be distinguished from the Gay Face
no hard feelings
surf the Net
Mistakened belief by some that the inter net can be used to catch fish or surf oceans
would if I could
Used with "if I could if I would"
Intermission at the opium den Grand Opening
peek under the hood
The ruination of the KKK
hoist a few
An ancient Viking practice of drinking tankards of ale weighing as much as the wife.
Also refers to hangings in the old west.
make a killing
the missionary position
The false idea that missionaries had a favorite position
bid adieu to
What happens when you put your money in a bank
the shock of my life
Driving up and seeing the latest gas prices
be miles away
What to do if you hear gunshots
blow the joint
Not in anyone's face.
Bad news at the doctor’s
Save your breath
Best done to avoid drowning
in the air
The moment that babies reach their apogee in the baby tossing contest.
a man of many parts
A typo-actually should be an “f” in there.
The mistaken belief that if you are patient tables will come to you.
Making a call on your knees on the porcelain phone
The letter “P” taunting the letter “Q” in the "P's" and "Q's" contest
take the sting out of
The false idea that bee stingers can cure cancer
hang in effigy
Effigy is a town in the old west.
pull out all the stops
The night before the wedding when a woman finally says yes to her boyfriend
sleight of hand
A skinny boy on his first date groping
put on weight
"But it is all muscle."
be out on ear
To be out on one’s ear is very painful
pull a fast one
A style of love-making
"I'll be fine"
The most common last words people utter just before fatal accidents along with "Crap!"
Where illegal drugs go to die in a police raid
for the sake of argument
An aggressive verbal attack which is justified by expressing a false deep concern for argument.
public enemy number one
Not to be confused with private enemies which are much more numerous
When gentle persuasion fails….
hang hat on
The kind of man many women long for
You're too much!
Husband complaining about his wife’s weight gain and wife complaining about her husbands weight gain
the hair of the dog
The myth that alcoholics use to blame the problem on dogs and their hair
get this off my chest
The primary reason for razors for women
The settlement in most divorces where the wife gets to..
have a one-track mind
The false 19th century notion that thoughts ran on tiny choo-choo tracks in the human brain.
in hot pursuit
An extremely warm kind of suit made out of cat hair and said to purr- hence the pur-suit name. (I know, but what the hell it's 2am)
be in a lather
having been ridden hard and put away wet
can’t have cake and eat it too
This is false. I had cake today and ate it in front of everyone
as sick as a dog
Chinese dog food will do this everytime
The daily Pity Party disguised as “support”
The way some people spread lies and rumors
Credit cards for people with square butts
get knuckles rapped
100 hours of listing to rap music will make your knuckles fall off.
To glad-hand some one while slapping them on the back is to get a quick trip the cemetery
What's new with you?
Are you pregnant and unmarried?
The new expression of love and affection in MTV videos see also "B**ch
go to the lavatory
The attempt to claim that the only thing which goes on in bathrooms is handwashing
A Clinton reference
fat and sassy
The idea that sassy can cover up fat, not”
a burning question
Medieval Europe and witches
boo off the stage
Not true . Boo’s alone have not removed a single politician from any stage.
go in circles
A one-legged duck
fly into a rage
Actually no matter how enraged you become you will not sprout wings or fly unless you get smacked in the face. Then yeah, sure.
by the seat of his pants
Henry VIII's pants were used as extra sails in his century to improve maritime speeds
A type of bunk beds
You get check for 2 dollars after life has screwed you.
make sheep's eyes at
Sheep are sexy to sheep herders
fade from view
Your wallet after you give your teen a credit card
Fancy meeting you here!
A greeting for the other woman named “Fancy” while pointing at a Google map on your Iphone
What happens after at the meet up with “Fancy.”
fall through the cracks
The Camel Toe at the mall
A common tick found in most countries
A two scratcher in the bottom at the bottom
speak of the devil
Politicians on the tele talking about one another
take the long view
If your nose is long and pointy you have no choice but to..
A couple holding hands, at night, in the park, after midnight, drunk.
Some Japanese girls dance for sakes'
like a shot
Most girls in a bar late at will say “Yes, thank you.”
There's the rub
A male head usually launched after a failure to communicate with a girl in a bar
The 7th inning stretch at a ballball game or what ladies do with thong underwear or what baseball players do.