The Importance of the Bond
Once I had a dream that you were standing in a room surrounded by glass walls, and the walls were filled with newspaper articles, awards, etc., all about you. But I don’t see your accomplishments when I think of you, even if you’re more comfortable when people do. In my mind, we’re on a level playing field as equals, and you don’t have accomplishments to stand behind. The glass walls come down, the awards fall away; forget that you have a dime to your name. I feel only God’s bond, and with everyone here as my witnesses, you mean the world to me
I have so many dreams of you on stage; in a few of them you’re choking on your own words…last night I had another dream of a huge, complex production about the Old West (You need to get over your past accolades and awards). I saw you; you were a red horse, establishing the world around you, and your neck was long and massive – it was what made this dream so surreal; like an ancient dinosaur neck. Are you sticking your neck out to make a sacrifice that you think benefits civilization. Are you in search of something you need to take hold of? You want everyone to believe that you have found; am I the only one who knows you’re searching? You’re searching for something you long to reach. Just so you know, I get it. But are you aware of it? I’ve never seen pride as bleeding as yours, though you deny that pride rules you. Pride like the tower of Babel, or like a towering horse’s neck, should be destroyed like the tower of Babel was destroyed. Sacrifice your pride and be vulnerable. You won’t be hurt.
Now about you – I’ve felt the wall, like a fortress, but I also know that I’ve blasted through it (because you’ve blasted through my wall). I just think you should look at life more as a monumental gift and enjoy every breath and live in gratitude for it – savor it, rather than create a publicity image, having a false life when you could have a real one. Anything cruel that people have said is a reflection of their own ugliness; their words or taunts would hold up a mirror in front of their own faces and show their own distorted images of themselves to the world. Words like that don’t have any power because they don’t know how to use their power…they’ve lost their heart.
But you haven’t lost your heart. I don’t like this ‘social responsibility’ that you guys emphasize; I think everyone makes mistakes and everyone should be allowed the freedom to learn from them (instead of being expected to be perfect from the start). I think that the social responsibility aspect may make someone feel even more like a failure when they inevitably do make a mistake (in a land of humanity and realism). I think the more valid thing is to grow richer for your mistakes – shine the rust off your gold–mind. Mistakes polish people and make them into who they were meant to be – not initial perfection (or ‘responsibility’), and I really think that kids would value life tools which would enable them to forgive themselves when they make mistakes, rather than having a god-like image of a celebrity who bills himself as being perfect, with a perfect life, a perfect future, a perfect family, perfect internal health, and a perfect wife and perfect kids. I’d sooner die than say something that hurts you but I’m telling you that there are other, more valid and enriching ways to teach the kids you nurture and to have a more fulfilling life (for both yourself and God) at the same time. I keep bugging you because you mean the world to me.
If you and your wife are in sociology I think the best thing you could do is tell people the truth. Treat people with enough dignity to be your equals; respect them enough to know they have the ability to learn without being lied to or manipulated. Know that you’re treating the people you’re supposed to be helping with the same amount of dignity of the ‘white only’ and ‘colored only’ bathrooms in backwoods east Texas (you’ve just disillusioned them so much that they can’t see it). Include respect with your ‘social responsibility’ and allow people to amaze you for who they are rather than who you think you can shape them to be. Let them admire you for your honesty and your ability to learn from your mistakes – let that be your example. You’ve made mistakes that you don’t want out –so what, let it go and spend your energy on appreciating people for who they are rather than how to cover up you own past. If you’re really into sociology then dedicate your resources to UNDERSTANDING people rather than gleaming your statistics, superiority/righteousness, and your make-believe show. The real problem nowadays isn’t in all your statistics – its in the fact that people can’t trust each other with the true things of life, like YOU don’t trust THEM to grow with real information and life-altering love – that’s how trust begins.
You have to know who you are and where you’ve come from to develop a greater sense of worth than what you had before. Know individual stories – feel them with every fiber of your being. There are amazing, beautiful people who lived through their circumstances and overcame them in mind or body, and it can fill a person with wonder for life to hear those stories. Don’t resent them, listen to them. Listen to Chris Rock in the video clip, listen to everything he says and pass it on. A change of will doesn’t come with money; it comes from literally being in awe of the person God made in you. Give them basketball games and be an example as you’re bound and determined to do, run your life like a show, but let them know who they are if you truly care, and guide them to themselves to give them true self esteem (which will change their lives). You can’t just change things on the surface and expect the change to be lasting – you have to change what is within, how people feel about themselves. Given, this link is only one ethnic group and it happens to be one filled with extreme beauty and vitality, but there are so many valuable resources for all ethnic groups. Appreciate and know the beauty in distinction instead of becoming assimilated. There’s no anger in wonder. "Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds. When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All.” – The Gospel of Thomas
Is that your kindness, your tenderness, that I sense in my prayers? Are you really hiding? She’s the one on the billboards though, so she’s the one who is presenting the front. I know what God tells me, but its so hard to distinguish what He tells me from what I see, when what I see is so clearly and vigorously advertized. I’m trying to explain to you that I have such a history of people calling me crazy (I’ve had to recover from a severe brain injury), especially when I say something they don’t like. For a long time all I had was God and I believed Him without question because if I wanted to feel connected I didn’t have a choice – I sincerely thought that people got defensive about me because the truth God told me was the very thing they didn’t want anyone to know. God deals in truth and most people by nature don’t, so it never fazed me. I couldn’t lose people I never had. I was not only called stupid but I was also called psychotic. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over that (its where a lot of my pain comes from today, because it was allowed and even encouraged to happen). It didn’t matter that I was recovering and God was all I had. Sometimes He told me things that went against what people projected, and yet He was always right – that’s how I learned to trust Him. Its not that I wanted something to be right and I’m optimistic – I just knew that it was out of my need for connection.
But from my point of view I see the inside of your soul, and this falsehood may appear good in your public world but your spirit is neglected. There are all kinds of debris/litter on the pathway that leads to your house; I’ve seen it. Neglect the path, and neglect your house. I’m trying to clear the debris to clear the path.
When your mom has come to me before in my prayers she’s always been so frantic, her feet are moving so fast that it appears she’s fluttering above the ground. She’s so frantic and upset because of you: Is she proud of the things you’re doing and the person you’ve become? I don’t know; all I care about is how upset she is about you (I CANNOT describe her level of distress). She’s desperate for you to hear her, and though I’m protected I still feel how upset she is – by how you distort images. She flips out over the distortion.
I also dreamt once that you were expected to make an appearance at the Sheridan Hotel: I think you have a truth that the public doesn’t know about, or maybe you're doing something for publicity. I think that whatever it is, is what your mom is so frantic about. I think I know what you’re hiding, God has told me that too. But until you tell me I remain confused and wondering if I should leave you alone.
Truth and Bonding
I sense you but when I try to see you, I can’t. I’ll never understand why you’re so illusive to me when I’m so devoted to you, and I know that in your soul you know that and you know I won’t betray you. We’re each puzzles unto ourselves (you and I), and we’re meant to be linked together in life without the fear of falling apart. I was so upset by the deception you’re blanketed with in your personal life that I haven’t been talking to you – and not because I was angry because I’m not power hungry. I wasn’t communicating with you because I was afraid I would say something spiteful or in sarcasm to you, which would hurt both you for hearing it and me for saying it. I would sooner die before I hurt you – you have GOT to understand how bonded to you I feel. DNA is stronger than words or even will; we are unbreakable.
He Needs Truth
People need to be taught honesty in the world today, more than anything else because honesty leads to all things. Honesty is the path to lasting success/ truly fulfilling success. Otherwise, you’re as empty as you feel right now. Pray for wisdom instead of success – you might get both. Right now you have success without wisdom and it will always be empty.
Dreams of Him
I dreamt about you last night, but guess who you were symbolized as? C. S. He was writing home continually to his mom about the joys of having a family. I know you want your mom to see from wherever she is that you’ve become a solid person, maybe even a reformed man. But you like acting, don’t you? Everyone else can see that C.S. is delusional when he says how great he is, everyone knows he’s in his own dream world but him - he really believes it himself. Like the movie you like, you’re living in an alternate reality. You think and speak your life to be perfect, but really beneath the layers you’re lost…maybe you even feel lost to yourself because you’re selling your alternate reality so hard. The lie of a perfect life is what’s killing you, so you sell it to others to make yourself feel better because you’re feeding off accolades. You please yourself with the admiration of others, but what if someone knows what you’re doing?