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Tom Hyland

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Humps, Bumps, Thumps and Potholes
By Tom Hyland
Posted: Sunday, March 30, 2008
Last edited: Sunday, March 30, 2008
This short story is rated "PG" by the Author.
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           >> View all 79
Just another pet peeve here - no biggy!

Am I the only weirdo who thinks of such things?

Or perhaps the only one dumb enough to ADMIT it?





Humps, Bumps, Thumps, and Potholes

© March 29, 2008 - Tom Hyland


In some areas, on some streets, the caution signs say SPEED HUMP. While in others, they are called Speed Bumps. Either way, when you miss slowing down in time, your tires make noises - Thump-Thumps!

Sometimes the warning signs are a good twenty-five feet or more, before the obstructions in the road. Other sites have the stupid signs right NEXT to the bump or hump! OOPS!

Now, for the life of me, I have trouble understanding why they are created in the first place! Obviously, in certain specific communities, on certain specific streets, usually in the City Proper, drivers were speeding, someone perhaps with small children thought it was unsafe, and complained to the authorities. That scenario is understandable.

But in some areas it has grown to be absolutely ridiculous, bordering on insane. Take my trailer park for instance - in order to get into my parking pad I must navigate over Seven of these suckers - all within the short distance of less than two city blocks! From the entrance, going straight ahead, there are six. Then a left turn, and over number seven!

In my former car, a little í97 Honda Civic, I ripped the resonator loose TWICE - and thatís driving slow, knowing where each one is, and coming almost to an absolute Stop! And guess what! It is Senior Citizen Park, with NO CHILDREN - and NO PETS! DUH!

Now these Humps, Bumps, Thumps are a pain in the proverbial wadda-call-it, and they are small compared to most others. Maybe only twelve or fourteen inches in depth, but about five or six inches above ground level - DEADLY!

In some developments I drive through, mostly the newer ones, these flim-flam obstacles are long, wide, smooth, and gentle. These may be navigated easily, simply letting off the gas, and coasting over - no problemo! Others are similar in size, but again - much higher off the ground, and actually can create a hazard, especially when snow-covered in the winter.

Now, you might think that merely dealing with my own park area - 14 humps per day, round trip, would be a sufficient aggravation, right? But, I work a part-time job, delivering prescriptions, three days a week, and drive about a thousand miles a month. Needless to say, I drive over a lot of Humps, Bumps, and Thumps - and - POTHOLES!

Donít know about your Area, or City, or County, or State; but mine is a total MESS! Every day, on every trip, no matter which direction I travel - North, South, East, West - somewhere, at some point (or more) there are inevitably Road Crews doing construction work! What I really love - is every place where there used to be a dip, or pot-hole, after it is supposedly REPAIRED - it is now a NEW Bump, Hump, or Thump!

Are the government agencies in CAHOOTS with the auto repairs and tire centers? Do they get a percent of the business for ruining our cars? Punctured tires, bent tie-rods, front ends knocked out-of-line, mufflers, resonators and exhaust systems damaged - Iíd guess a pretty hefty price-tag for all motorists, for an entire year, huh?

So, just for the fun of it, I pondered - what if this concept of slowing drivers down was carried to the extreme? What if these really intelligent contributors to safer, slower traffic were to be installed EVERY-WHERE? Every: lane, street, road, highway, Super-Highway - yeah! Thatís the ticket! SAFE and SLOW! No more innocent children, pets, or other feral critters being injured, or killed - a worthy goal, right?

But - WOW - America would be one HUGE traffic jam, wouldnít it? And let us not forget the accompanying HUGE GLUT of gasoline that would occur from all that: stopping, starting, idling, shootings from ROAD RAGE, and the like? Like I said before - these guvímint types are always BRILLIANT, arenít they? So, this scenario may already be on the lay-out planning boards.

I also can not help but wonder about all the poor, unfortunate DRUNK DRIVERS out there. Since all these millions of Bumps, Humps, and Thumps have been installed, how many times has some inebriate winding his way home, managed to swerve to avoid one of these said obstacles, and thereby SIDE-SWIPE an innocent parked car? Maybe he got home okay, before said installation?

I know, this is a sick stretch of the imagination, but has anyone kept any statistics on the accidents in these areas, both BEFORE and AFTER the obstacles were installed? Have they actually improved anything? Do they actually WORK?

OH - before bidding you adieu, thinking about all those road crews - have you ever noticed how, when they have a semi-major artery blocked, torn-up, and maybe even detoured - that you travel maybe only a half mile or so, turn a corner, and - VOILA! Another bunch of idiots have been busy tearing up the ALTERNATE ROUTE ALSO?

MORE BRILLIANCE!



Happy - Bumping - Humping - Thumping - and Pot-Holing!

© - 3/08 - TKH



 

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Reviewed by Mr. Ed
Are the government agencies in CAHOOTS with the auto repair and tire centers? Do they get a percent of the business for ruining our cars?

I sure hope Big Brother ain't reading this; lots of cushy government job salaries to pay!

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