“Comedy is exaggerated realism.

It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous,

But it must always be believable.”

Paul Lynde

Sometimes in life, when ludicrous events occur, I find a little humor, and being a tad ludicrous myself, truly helps me cope.

My wife and I moved out of a modern day suburban subdivision for many reasons, including the fact that their Homeowners Association feels the best way to deal with wild animals living amongst us these days is to exterminate them.  We couldn’t disagree more.

But besides their anti-wildlife stance, they have many truly ludicrous rules and regulations, which they selectively enforce, when the urge somehow hits them, or when they don’t particularly like someone.

A few years ago, I was sent a notice that I was being fined because my bedroom blinds were not in compliance.  “Our rules and regulations specifically state that only beige and neutral blinds are allowed.”

I had the audacity to have wood-tone blinds in one of our bedrooms.  But I also had a little gumption, and a little time, so one night I went around the entire subdivision and wrote down the addresses of each and every homeowner who had blinds that were not ‘beige or neutral’ in any of their windows.

It seems that the President of this Homeowners Association was not in compliance himself - For Shame!  So I soon got a very comical little note in my mailbox – ‘Forget about the fine for the blinds.’

But I guess I made a very bitter enemy that night, catching a man with his blinds down like that.  So my latest little spat with the Association simply refuses to go away, and I simply refuse to pay their latest ludicrous fine for ‘yellow grass.’

No more of these hoity toity, modern day, communities for me.  I’ll take my new, old, run down, shack any day.  It’s a place where a man and his dogs can still feel free to be, and can even still pee, if and when they get the urge.

But the epic saga of the ‘Yellow Grass’ continues:

Dear Sir:

The Homeowners Association has rejected your appeal of this fine, and it has been decided that you, indeed, do owe the Association $200.00 for sod replacement in the common grassy area behind your home.  And by the way, several of your neighbors have reported that your dogs were spotted in this area on numerous occasions, so we feel you are, indeed, responsible for the yellowed grass due to their repeated urination in this area, and we would appreciate your timely submission of this $200.00 fine.

I guess they think they’ve got me now – witnesses have finally come forward.

So yesterday, I penned the following response:

Dear Homeowners Association:

I will guarantee you that many area residents saw my pets behind my home on numerous occasions.  They did live there with us, so that’s a very logical sighting.  I still fail, however, to understand how those sightings equate to my pets destroying any of the grass behind my home, or of my being fined for its replacement.

Therefore, I will require the following information before I can proceed any further with your demand for payment:

A.                             A list of names and addresses of anyone actually witnessing any canines destroying said grass behind my home, and the exact dates and times that they witnessed these alleged destructive episodes.

B.                              Did these now named witnesses observe these dogs sitting, standing, or walking behind my home, or did they actually observe them squatting or lifting their legs, and actually urinating there?

C.                             How far away were these named witnesses when their observations of these dogs occurred, and please indicate which of them wear glasses or contact lenses because of impaired vision.

D.                             The color, size, breed, and sex of the dogs that these witnesses observed behind my home, in any sordid squatting or leg lifting activities.

I ask this because I have also done some ‘pet sitting’ for various community residents, and I have walked their dogs for them on numerous occasions.  I have also observed many free roaming dogs behind my home – which is a clear violation of your rules and regulations by the way – “all pets must be leashed while being walked about the community.”  I’d really hate to pay any fine that my neighbors’ dogs were actually responsible for.

On my numerous afternoon walks around the community, I have also observed ‘yellow grass’ and new sod replacement in several areas other than behind my home.  Have these home owners in these areas also been fined in a similar manner?  If so, please provide the following:

E.                             The names and addresses of these home owners.

F.                             The dates of their fines.

G.                            The amounts of their fines.

H.                             The amount of sod installed behind or adjacent to their homes.

I.                                The types of dogs they own – some canine breeds do urinate far more often than other breeds.

J.                               And, were any advance warnings given to these homeowners, as duly prescribed in your Rules and Regulations on Page 11?

I should also like to inform you that both grubs and a lack of moisture can often lead to this dreadful ‘yellow grass’ condition you seem to be obsessed with.

Please hire a qualified lawn care expert to determine the extent of any grub infestation in the grassy area in question behind my home, and please send me a copy of this report.  I have personally spotted several conniving little grubs cavorting about back there, as have many of my former neighbors.

And Finally:

K.                             Please provide the exact dates and times that this dreaded ‘yellow grass’ in question has been watered in the past year by the professional landscaper that the Association hired; that we homeowners pay for in your exorbitant monthly assessments; and that many residents claim they’ve never even seen.  And no, I won’t provide the names and addresses of these homeowners; you’ll have to find that out for yourself.

I eagerly await all of the information requested above.  And once I receive it, I will once again, very happily respond to your demand for payment for this dreaded ‘yellow grass’ replacement.

Best Regards,

Pee Wee Ed