Become a Fan
By Debra J Stiles, The Original Mister
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Not rated by the Author.
A concept that some never comprehend,
Some never find,
And some die for.
A story of a girl growing up in the southern Bible belt,
Her search for forgiveness and her discovery of
Have you ever found yourself so far down in a hole that you were starting to dig rocks?
That is where Abby found herself. As she looked up from the deep hole she had dug herself into. Desperately searching for foot holds to pull herself out but with no strength left, she sank further and further down.
“Please, please” she screamed out loud. But there was no one to hear. They were all gone. She had selfishly pushed them all away.
“How did I let them get me in this mess? I try so hard but no one cares. No one will give me a chance. It is always their way or no way. That’s ok, she thought to herself bitterly. I will show them. I don’t need them. They can live their self righteous lives. I wonder what they will think when I am not here to be their scapegoat anymore or to listen to their holier then thou talk. I refuse to let them use me to make themselves feel bigger. They may all have more than me, and their lives may be good, but what
about me? I was always there when they needed me, but when I need them where are they? They just stand and point fingers. I have to accept them for who they are, and they have the audacity to expect me to be as they say. Approval is what I have had to strive for my whole life when will it come? I don’t care anymore. Who cares about approval any way?
I don’t need it and I refuse to belittle myself by begging for theirs anymore. I will show them.
So Abby began her journey of self destruction, although, she didn’t see it at the time, but it would soon lead her on a path that only one person could help her return from. Would she find him in time or would he go unnoticed, lingering, waiting, in the dark shadows of her tormented soul.
Abby prayed as she drove up the long dusty drive to the office. “Oh, Lord how I would love this job. All secluded with living quarters provide on the property. The want ad had read; Onsite manager needed for mini warehouse complex. Rental housing and utilities provide for reduction in salary. She had been here before with her mom to her storage unit. Abby always thought it would so cool to be able to stay at home and work too, but she never dreamed her future would bring her here for a job. Abby gathered up her courage and approached the man sitting behind the office window. “May I help you?” He said as he slid back the glass. He was a nice looking guy about twenty five. Abby recognized him as the owner’s son. They lived in the big house in the curve just before the entrance to the “Scotch Mini ware houses”. They were Christian people and Abby was searching for nice people to work for that God was the leader of. She felt it the kind of place that he might lead her to for some quiet healing and growing time with him. Abby was desperate and hoping to find a little peace and recluse from the shattered life she had just fled from. She had lost all her self confidence as a nurse, and her failed attempt at suicide had just humiliated her more. She needed a place to hide away from the world to heal and to give them all time to forget, but she also had to have a job. This seemed the perfect escape. It was a long shot but she was determined to try. “I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering, no actually hoping, that you might consider me for the position. I am single and have no children living with me.” Abby didn’t mean for him to hear the desperation in her voice, and she was relieved when he answered with an understanding smiled. “Yes, I am still taking applications. If you want to fill this out, then we can talk.” He answered handing her a clip board and pen. “Thanks Abby smiled back as she returned to her car to fill out the application. She gave all her work information truthful. Nursing degree she wrote in the education question. It was all simple enough until she came to the question; Reason for leaving? This one gets me every time. I can’t tell them, “because I just tried to kill myself and I am running from the world”. Instead she just answered with: Need a change in career. That was an honest answer. Some seemed to understand when she would explain she worked in the Emergency room for twelve years and was just burnt out. The others hadn’t bought it. “Why with an education like that would you want a minimum wage job?” They would ask. Not even the position she applied for as a grocery store cashier would consider her. Abby prayed he wouldn’t feel the same. Abby gave the application back hoping for an instance miracle. “I will look over your information and discuss it with my mom. She will want to speak with you too. My name is Carlos and I can reach you at this number?” “Yes,” replied Abby in a disappointed note. “Do you think I have a chance?” Abby asked, wanting something to give her hope. “I will call you tomorrow I promise.” He said as he slid the window shut. As Abby got back in her car and drove off her mind wondered to happier times in her life. She began to search for what went wrong. How in the world was she gonna fix it. Here they come again, Abby thought as she wiped the tears from her eyes. She couldn’t go back and think about the good times without the bad times flooding in. All I wanted was my husband back, and my life back the way it use to be, the security of a partner that had loved me with all his heart. How could I have thrown that way? Well I had a right to decide what I wanted in my life didn’t I? Raising some one else’ child was not my idea of fun. Besides, Jake and I would have been together along time ago had it not been for that child. My motherhood privilege had been selfishly taken away by people who only wanted to control me so why should I have to raise someone else’s? Abby reasoned to herself, trying to justifying her reasons for not staying with Jake and for turning into the stranger she had become to everyone including herself. Abby felt the resentment began to swell up in side of her. She also felt the tinge of quilt and knew before her life could get better she was going to have to let that go. She was going to have to find the strength inside of her to face reality and forgive the ones that had hurt her. She also knew she must ask them to forgive her. But the hardest part, and the part she didn’t know how to do, was to forgive her self. Was she strong enough to take on the world and hope for peace of mind? Or was she just looking for another escape? “Oh dear God, you’re gonna have to help me I can’t do this alone.” She cried out loud feeling as though she was talking to thin air. Why would he help me? My own mother won’t and she is the closest person to God I know. If she don’t approve I know he won’t. He listens to her. Abby thought back to the time when God had showed her he didn’t hurt anyone to help another. She knew that God heard her and he loved her just as much as he did her mother. Little did Abby know she had just hit upon the first realization in her process of her healing. But still Abby felt the burden of the situation upon her shoulders with no where to turn and no one to turn to. As Abby drove on home she remembered the time that Jake had come back into her life. She had not seen or heard from him in quiet a few years. They had grown up together. Jake was, Abby’s brother, Mark’s best friend. Mark had committed suicide in nineteen eighty six. Abby had tried to contact Jake then but he was living in Hawaii. They had once been lovers and the unspoken love had always been between them. Jake had joined the Army after graduation. Abby married Ben but when that didn't work out she found her self married to Jake's cousin John. Abby and Ben had a beautiful son, Chris. Then finding herself divorced at eighteen, Abby struggled just to feed and cloth her baby. She was also very young. She was only seventeen when her first baby was born. When Abby was twenty one she met John. He was a police officer and a nice guy Abby thought. He gave her security and home that she had never really had. Abby thought her life good until she discovered that she wasn't the only woman in his life. When Abby was pregnant with her second child she left John after being confronted by one of John's girlfriends. "I know what your house looks like. I can even describe your bedroom to you." The girl had told Abby. John tried to convince Abby it wasn't true but she knew it was. To many strange phone calls and the description of her house by the girl told her he was lying. John supported Abby and paid her rent until their beautiful baby girl was born. He visited them daily and although Abby would not let him move back in with her they continued to see each other. Abby struggled to feed her babies and to keep a roof over their heads. Ben refused to pay child support or to even see their son. "It hurts to bad" was his excuse. Although he was ordered to pay sixty dollars a month he didn't and Abby didn't force the issue until she became pregnant with Renee'. Abby wrote Ben a letter and told him Chris needed his father in his life and ask him to please start seeing Chris. She didn't force the support issue but he began sending twenty dollars a week. He also started getting Chris twice a month. Ben had remarried and his wife didn't like the idea at all. She always came to pick Chris up and bring him home. She didn't like Abby but she was good to Chris. When Chris was five Ben was diagnosed with a terminal disease, sclearaderma, and they only gave him three years to live. Abby prayed daily to God to let him live as long as possible because Chris needed his dad. When Renee' was one Abby and John finally got a divorce. Abby worked for minimum wage and her weekly check was never more than ninety dollars. It was hard, and living on five hundred dollars a month wasn't easy. There was rent to pay, Car payment, diapers, baby sitters and grocers. It was never enough to go around and nothing left over for clothes or just enjoyment. Abby's mother would come to visit and occasionally bring some groceries, but what ever Abby was doing according to her was not good enough. She had never had a chance to have a teenage life. She just wanted to party with her friends occasionally but no one though she should. She never put her babies in danger or exposed them to anything she shouldn't. They just thought she should never leave them, so they took her babies away. At the age of twenty four, Abby found her self alone and trying to deal with losing her babies. She continued to struggle and the resentment continued to grow as Abby held them all responsible for her unhappiness. Occasionally Jake would come around and they became lovers. They would laugh at how she had ended up married to his cousin. But Abby and Jake never let the thoughts of getting serious come between them, besides Jake was married at the present time. One day he went away and never came back. Abby wondered about him occasionally and where he might be. She longed for his company and sincere care that he showed her. Abby moved to New Jersey trying to escape her pain. On one of her visits back home she ran into Jake. She was happy to find he was divorced. This time their feelings were different and Abby felt her self feeling more than friendship toward Jake and so did he. "I have loved you forever." Jake admitted to Abby. "I am returning to New Jersey tomorrow. Will you come there and live with me"? Abby asked. "Yes, I will. I have some things to clear up here but I will call you when I am headed up." Jake told her as they said their good byes. Abby waited but she never heard from him. She often wondered what had kept him from her. Abby moved across the River to Pennsylvania and got a job as a bartender. She made a lot of friends. But she was very leery of them all. Besides she was to busy trying to keep her head above water as it was. She missed home and her babies very much. She called as often as she could and she would write them letters. Abby smiled to her self as she thought of the little the town in Pennsylvania. The name of the Bar was the California house. It was a huge building. Pennsylvania Dutch style and a bell tower at the top. There were very few travelers on the lonely roads that came to a four way crossing, but the ones that did usually stopped in for a drink. To be Continued Unconditional Love is Mister's next Novel. To be completed by 2004 (C) 2003 "The Original Mister"
Site: The Original Mister
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