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Keith Helinski

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Member Since: Nov, 2011

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Raise Your Glass: Stuck in the Twilight Saga
By Keith Helinski
Sunday, November 20, 2011

Rated "PG13" by the Author.

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Often wonder what it is like from a guy’s perceptive, being stuck in a line between two Twilight fans? This writer does! ‘Raise Your Glass’ is a harmless jab at the Twilight saga buzz.

There is nothing more tortuous than being stuck at a place you do not want to be at (or, perhaps, do not belong).  As life enjoys mocking the innocent, there is something quite tedious over the notion of doing something equivalent to pulling teeth for a loved one.   That can be said about Ron, the hero to men everywhere.  He risked his own sanity for his significant other.   He did it with courage, patience, and daring diligence.   In fact, he deserves a medal of recognition for his decency.   Next time you go to the bar, drink to Sir Ron: the man of all men.
You see; Ron did a real good deed for his woman.   He drove to the nearest mall and waited in line for what seemed like hours late one night.  No, it was not Black Friday.   And no, it was not your typical line up of people.  You are probably thinking, ‘who cares, what makes him so special?’    Well my friends, poor old Ron stood in a line at FYE, waiting for the newest Twilight movie to be released on DVD.

As poor Ron walked into the store, footage of the Twilight movies was showing on the television screens mounted on the walls.   As you guessed it, there was a line up of tween girls with TEAM JACOB and TEAM EDWARD shirts.   And as predicted, their mothers accompanied them, also in TEAM JACOB and TEAM EDWARD shirts.  It was pretty even with the amount of cougars and tweens.  Hmmm…you wonder what would happen if dads and their sons had the same enthusiasm for the next Miley Cyrus flick?   TEAM double standards, all the way!
Ron, poor-poor Ron, stood in line.   No fast pass could get him out of this.   He was there, whether he liked it or not!  TEAM EDWARD fan was in front of him.   TEAM JACOB fan got behind him.  And without even a warning, referee, or time out; friction emerged between the two teams.

“Jacob SUCKS!” Team Edward fan said.
“Edward SUCKS! Literally, he sucks!” Team Jacob fan said.
“Oh yeah, Bella chooses Edward!   Now why is that, I wonder?  It’s because Edward is a REAL MAN!” Team Edward fan said.
“Oh yeah, well…Jacob actually LOVES Bella.   He certainly wouldn’t have Bella say goodbye to her family.  Edward sucks the big one!   In fact, I rewind Harry Potter and Goblet of Fire over and over just to see Edward DIE!” Team Jacob fan said.

The verbal war between the two teams started getting more heated, and poor Ron was in the middle of it.

“Oh yeah!   Well…ummmm…” Team Edward tries desperately to come back with an insult worthy of instant ownage, but can only come up with…“Shark boy SUCKS!”

Poor Ron.  It was if World War 3 erupted in the middle of FYE, caused by crazed Twilight fans that could not agree which eye-candy team was better to look at.   In his mind, he wanted to settle it straight and tell they were both completely and utterly insane for even fighting over something as mundane as Twilight.  He wanted to tell all of them, Stephenie Meyer, the architect behind the Twilight fad, is a mediocre writer that ripped off the likes of Anne Rice, Charlaine Harris, and L. J. Smith.   Instead, he let the TEAMS go at it.   He prayed silently that they would both knock each other out so he did not have to endure the ridiculousness he was in the middle of.

Team Edward fan finally thought of a perfect comeback in her mind, and repeats it like so…

“It must really piss you off that Bella chose Edward over Jacob, and that Bella has Edward’s daughter: Renesmee!” Team Edward fan said
“It actually must piss you off that Jacob is really the one that is in love with Bella, since he falls in love with Renesmee, who looks like Bella.” Team Jacob fan said.
“Eww!   Jacob is a pervert for falling in love with Renesmee.   And by the way, that’s not true love.  As Bella says to Jacob, it’s always been Edward!  So, there!”  Team Edward fan said.
“Edward is the one that’s a pervert, being a bazillion years old and all!   And if I had it my way, Buffy stakes Edward: THE END!” Team Jacob fan said.

They did not comprehend the fact that they are really talking about pedophilia, necrophilia, and bestiality, and the fact that Twilight is wrapped nicely in a preachy ‘abstinence’ bow!   Instead, he ignored the two and saw the line up decrease as FYE management handed over the DVDs.  One avid fan that didn’t seem to be on either team, yelled out:
“This movie is like, the greatest movie ever!!!...”
"...until the next Twilight movie comes out.  Then, like, that will be the greatest movie ever!!!" Ron thought to himself.

Ron looked up to the television screen, and watched Robert Pattinson act his heart out.  Contrary to what the critics may say, he does not look like he is reading a queue-card at all.   Then Taylor Lautner came on the screen, showcasing his shirtless craft.  Girls started to scream at the eye-candy on the screen.  For a product that is trying to teach girls that they should wait, their sexual urges reached out and tried to touch one of Lautner’s abs.   Finally, Kristen Stewart, with all her range, came on the screen, looking confused as ever, as if she is contemplating what to have for dinner: chicken or beef.   One Team-Something yells out ‘BITCH’ as Stewart floated on the screen.

Poor.  Poor.  Ron.   The line got closer and closer to the registers. Team Edward fan in front of him and Team Jacob fan behind him stopped fighting.  They were anxiously awaiting their DVD copy.   And so was Ron, so he could get the hell out of there.  He felt like he was in a Saturday Night Live parody skit of the Twilight phenomenon, but instead of laughing-out-loud to the silliness he was surrounded with, the girls were really serious about this Twi-madness!

Ron finally got up there to the register, handed over the money, received the DVD, and left the store immediately.  Team-Something fans were in the corner of the store, reflecting on their purchase.   They analyzed the DVD packaging, and already fights were emerging between the two teams with who had more face-space on the DVD cover: Jacob or Edward!
Ron noticed a young teenage boy that looked exactly like Edward Cullen, hanging outside the store.   A few tween girls flock to him.  No question he would be getting laid that night!
Ron practically ran out of the store, out of the mall, and toward the car.  He got in the car and slammed the door for dear life. He went where no man should have gone, and survived the horrific war that took place.

So next time you have a drink, make sure to raise your glass up high and toast Ron, poor-poor Ron.   You may laugh now my friends, but you certainly would not be laughing if you were stuck in the Twilight saga war zone between a Team Edward fan and a Team Jacob fan!

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