Thought up: 8.7.03 – 1:44pm
Written: 8.7.03 – 1:44pm
#15

I don’t know how many times in my life I’ve used a public urinal; for sure a couple hundred. It’s a nice break from life to be able to get in there and do your business. Well, for the most part… I’m not so good with other people hanging out in there. I mean, it is one of the most private times you have. So it’s not so uncommon to get a stroke of stage fright when you’re in there. I’ll admit it, I’m part of that group that has a spot of trouble “draining my manhood” with another taller guy hanging out next to me, gandering down at my business! It’s none of his damn business what I’m doing down there. They should only have one urinal per fifteen feet. That makes the most sense I’d say. More happy customers, less people disgruntled about having their pieces ogled while taking care of business. I don’t know what it is that leads to this kind of behavior. Might be something that needs some funding from Duke University or something. Cause I don’t think that it has ANYTHING to do with being bashful or shy. I’m more than outgoing and extroverted, yet still have troubles when it’s one on one versus the “pee drinker” with spectators. I can whoop him good when it’s just me and him, and nobody around. Perhaps I just crack under pressure. Can’t come through in the clutch. Bring in the lefty reserve closer. Fine, no problem. Anyway, basically, I’m just getting at the fact that people get nervous in the bathroom all the time, mostly because someone is standing there watching them. But what about the people that are behind closed doors? People that are in the stalls? I’ve come to decide that I have NEVER been using one of the urinals and had someone come out of the stalls, EVER!
I just realized this when I was “vacationing” to my local urine depository. I saw ALL the stalls full of people, and I was in there for maybe 45 seconds maybe a minute taking care of my dealings. I didn’t hear a peep out of anyone in there! What gives? How come people get so scared to say or do anything when they’re “dropping the deuce” in a public place? I can see where it relates when some other dude is looking right at you, but I can’t for the life of my understand what drives a person in the stall to be quiet and not move or make a sound whilst “hitting pay dirt.” Granted, I’ve done it too. I’m not gonna lie about it. Everyone has, but I think this is a Darwinian theory. I’m going to step out on a limb and say that shy dumpers (S.D.) are failing in life, and are going to be out of jobs before they know it. Nobody wants a slacker on his or her team. You think jobs are hard to come by now, well the just take your time “feedin’ the fish.” Supervisors and managers are going to start noticing who is making quick trips to the restrooms. They’re going to get the better paying jobs. They’re going to be getting the good salaries. They’re going to be the ones that YOU’RE serving fries and shakes to unless you “force the duck to quack” in a tad more timely manner! Nobody wants that.
I’ve asked around to see if it’s just me that notices this phenomenon and have gotten a few choice replies. One female colleague states:

Sent: Thursday, August 07, 2003 12:36 PM
To: Jokre, Rodd
Subject: poop

No it isn't just a guy thing. Women do it too...probably even more so than men. What I find to be funny is when you are in there and you can see their feet but they aren't poopin’ ,peein' ,wipin' or even rollin' the toilet paper. They just sit there real quiet pretending like you don't know they are there. Ha!

This is a remarkable discovery, which leads to even more heated debate and discussion. I thought this originally was just a propensity for men to have trouble in there, but upon retrospect; I’ve come to realize that women probably go through this too. Tough luck. Guess it just evens it out, and that everyone has this issue that happens in there. It’s funny to think that the person next to you is gonna to rip a huge one just so it’ll give you a little time to squeeze one yourself and the person next to you would therefore, be able to “rip” as well. I guess it’s just somewhat awkward to just be sitting in there and squeak out a “lil’ nasty” while someone is sitting next to you. If this occurs, it’s best to move your feet over as far as you can to the other side of the stall so that the person can’t identify you later by what shoes you’re wearing. I’ve done that before. I’ve seen a dude in there just “toasting up some beef tarts” and he was wearing these penny loafers with one penny the wrong way in the shoe. I busted out of the bathroom and didn’t stop looking at feet the rest of the day. It was like I had a lead weight attached to my head the whole rest of the day. With about 15 minutes left in the day, I found the culprit. It was this little tiny dude with glasses and a mustache. I looked at him and knew right away that THIS, my friends, was the mystery “stench monster.” I looked up at him, gave him a little wink and went on my way. I’m sure that he had some interesting thoughts running through his head as to what I was doing winking at him and then smirking, but I didn’t care, I found him.
I’m sure a lot of people would get really embarrassed by something like that. Cause if he was on the same page as me, and knew dumping etiquette, he would know that he’s supposed to always look at the shoes of the guy/girl next to you so that you know who to accuse of the “mud blowing” when the accusations start to filter in. I don’t like being accused of such things, and neither does anyone else. That’s why it’s always best to just “hit the can” on your own time. If you need to, take a trip up or down the stairs so that you get into an area where you won’t be seen very easily. Drop an “ambiguity a-bomb” and be on your way.
That is also a slippery slope, pardon the pun, about “launching a corn canoe” at work. What if it overflows! Oh God, help us all! You KNOW you can’t get out of that one if it happens! You can try to run out, but what would be more embarrassing:
1.) You running out of the bathroom while another co-worker is walking in, knowing that there is CLEARLY nobody else in there. I’m SURE he’d be thinking, “Gee, who could have flooded the bathroom with toilet water and poop? I have no idea. Hey Rodd, you want to get your other shoe? It’s stuck right next to the toilet that’s overflowing with mystery poo.”
2.) You in there trying to clean it all up before anyone else can see. I can just imagine having to pick up the “poo-pills” before someone got there. I mean, you’d have to for sure. You can’t actually just let them sit there, and let someone walk in and be like, “Hey, what’s up? OH MY GOD!!!! Your “brown roses” are everywhere!
3.) If this happens to me again ever, I’m just gonna lie down on the floor and let the “stew” flow all over me. Poop is a lot less disgusting in time of distress. If you find a person passed out on the pot, or worse yet, on the floor and it’s flooded, there is a lot less chance that you’re gonna be the one to blame for it. At least this way you could make up a lie about how some guy blasted out of the stall and whacked you in the head with the door and you fell down, and then the flooded started. That would at least make the person watching you feel better. And you might even get the day off.
4.) Tell your co-worker that walks in on you that you were “taking a trip to Atlantic Shitty and just hit the slot machine jackpot.” Cleary the correct answer.

No really though, I respect a person that can get in there and just get it done. Though they are few and far between, people can and do bust in “drop the brown hammer” and get out before I’m done unzipping my pants to take a leak, which is braggable. I’ve never actually seen this happen, but I’ve heard urban legends of such occurrences, and I tip my hat to those people. They’ll go far in life…