Thought up: 1.19.04 – 8:19am
Written: 1.19.04 - 3:19 pm
#27

The internet has come a long way since Al Gore invented it those short few years back. Just think, if his brain didn’t crank out this idea, you’d not have gotten many of the lovely email chain letters that litter your mailbox each morning. These things drive EVERYONE crazy, but there’re one or two people in every friend circle that are afraid to have “7 weeks of bad luck.” Oh no! I don’t want that! I better send this stupid email from Jimmy Sluggameinthanuts (who, coincidentally has a terrible nose disease that prevents him from tasting his crack that his mom fed him when he was only 3) to everyone I know!

-----Original Message-----
From: Sluggameinthanuts, Jimmy
Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2004 2:38 PM
To: Jokre, Rodd
Subject: FWD: Forward: FWD (FWD) SUPER IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ...

Hello everyone! My name is Jimmy Sluggameinthanuts. I have a terrible disease known as noseamblibrainvacany, most of you probably haven’t ever heard of it, but it’s a horrible thing. It makes me forget a lot of things, and I don’t remember what my mother even looks like anymore! Not only that, but I also suck at kickball at school, and my teacher always gets mad at me for playing with my dingy in class. It’s very embarrassing. I’m assuming it’s because of the horrid conditions of the village I live in. I’ve been living in this small village in a remote area of the world called Los Angeles. I know, you’ve probably never heard of it, but that’s why I need your help. With my disease, I haven’t been able to get my annual anal-probe, and I fear I have another strange disease that will require me to send out another one of these annoying emails that nobody REALLY cares about in another week or 2.

Anyway, without this anal-probe my mother will probably have to give up her 15th born son to be able to pay for this horrid surgery where my eyes will have to be poked out to make room for the alien lunch basket they plan on sticking in my head instead. I know it’s not much, but all I need is a few cents from each of you to get this underway.

I know times may be tough for you, but where I come from, we don’t have running water, television or hookers. I forgot to tell you also that I’m only 7 years old. About the running water, I was just kidding about that. We really do have running water, but it’s only good when my father comes home late from the city and “fills up” the water jug. But that also is another problem that Mr. Bill Gates said he’d help with. All you have to do is send this to everyone you know and CC Bill Gates on each one, and he will donate .0084 cents for each person that you send this to for my health! So please, if you don’t I will surely die, and God will likely hate you forever for not being nice to me!

If you’re wondering how I have an email address, you can stop wondering now. My life is so bad that I have to sell 3 fingers to a monkey that uses Morse code to send this letter to another impoverished 3 year-old in Tanzania that gets whipped when he doesn’t spell words correctly! (To send him money, Bill Gates has also set up another fund where if you pray to God 50 times and then jump up and down 2389 times with your eyes closed and then spit on the sidewalk and stick 14 bamboo sticks in your butt, he’ll give a rat’s-ass to the charity of your choice!) I don’t have much time left, so I’m also going to help you out by having you be really lucky today! Scroll down!

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>>>>>>> Are you ready yet! Keep your fingers crossed! Your wish is about to come true !
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>>>>>>> I’m so excited! This is amazingly cool and awesome! Keep scrolling and wasting your day!
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>>>>>>> Oh boy! Here we come; we’re almost there! If you believe in God, and really thing that what goes around comes around, you’ll find it in your heart to believe like those stupid care-bears did. Your wish is about to happen!
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>>>>>>> Are you ready to rip your ears off yet cause this sucks so bad? Do you want to kill the person that sent this to you yet?
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>>>>>>>Hooray! Your wish will now come true … …UNLESS you don’t pass this on to eleventy-billion people!

If you send this to only 1 person then you’ll have bad luck for 5 days and 13 hours!

If you send this to 2-4 people, you’ll have mediocre luck, but one of those days you may lose a finger or get your face bitten by a rabid cat.

If you send this to 5-9 people, you’ll likely get the HIV, but on a good note, you’ll be blessed by 15,000 dancing fairies and get to put some Gold Bond on your privates.

If you send this to 10-14 people, you’ll have super good luck until March 22, when your face will get scratched off by a grizzly, but you’ll at least have good luck until then!

If you send this to a mere 15-33 people you’ll go to heaven and get 44 naked virgins to help you clean the stubs you now have from getting your arms and legs ripped off by an angry gorilla cause you didn’t forward this on to more than 33 people!

If you send this on to 34-148 people, you’ll likely just develop some sort of cold or allergy to your favorite food, which will result in death, or at very least a nasty case of scurvy, much like pirate scurvy.

If you send this on to 149-3983 people, you will save the lives of 44 starving children in Africa, but kill 4 dogs in your neighborhood and lose sight in one eye!

If you send this to more than 3983 people, you will have really good luck, and go to heaven, and win the lottery!

I know from personal experience of a lady that sent this email forward on to only 7 people, and the next day she got hit by a bus while driving her kids to school! And the bus driver got the exact same email that day and sent it on to everyone he knew, which was only 158 people, and found out that he saved a bunch of lives, but that the lady’s name was Doglie Doggernaught, and he had no idea what would happen, and then a kid dropped a spoon and a ninja killed the whole town! So beware of what you do with this email! You had better forward it on! Even if you don’t know very many people, you can still copy it by hand and drop it in some mailboxes around your neighborhood, and if people give you a hard time about it, just remember to give them one because I’m sure that they don’t know 3984 people and odds are in your favor that they’ll have their eyes pecked out by weeks-end!

If you believe in any of the following then you’ll forward this email on because not only will I benefit from it, but did you hear about how Microsoft had an error in their billing system and every time you send on this email you’ll get a check for $445.28 for everyone you send it to! I promise! I heard about a lady that didn’t think this was true , and then one day, after she got done taking a crap, she went to the mailbox and found a check for $7,893,838,494.29 because she forwarded this on, and didn’t even have to pay taxes on it, AND she decided to give most of it to charity to help the blind and she will for sure go to heaven and have good luck for like several hundred years at least!
If you believe in:
1. God
2. Allah
3. Zeus
4. Shiva
5. Rick Moranis
6. Santa and/or Easter Bunny
7. Anything

Then you had better forward this, cause they would, and they have good luck all the time.

So, in closing, I just wanted to say that I am going to have fingers no more, with all the Morse code and crap from this monkey. So please, if you like people or food or breathing please help me out, and forward this on!

Love,
Jimmy Sluggameinthanuts