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Rodd Jokre

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Sometimes Dreams Need to be Smashed
By Rodd Jokre
Wednesday, March 31, 2004

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Thought up: 3.31.04 – 8:51am
Written: 3.31.04 - 8:52 am
#29

So in my never-ending search for humor, I was browsing the internet trying to find useful invention information when I stumbled upon to a site that lists inventions that “never really caught on.” I figured I’d take a gander and see what kind of ideas people thought would be useful.

1. The Bird Catcher for Cats – Now, at first I assume this guy had all the best intentions in mind. Maybe his cat was old and decrepit and could get up the strength to chase birds anymore. Maybe his cat only had 2 legs, or 1 eye, or perhaps had a really bad case of pneumonia and couldn’t get out there with all his buddies and chase down critters. Either option sounds a bit peculiar to me though. Cats are built to chase things, and therefore, I assume it’d ruin it for them if they just had a bird all boxed up and ready to eat. Look at what has happened to humans since we’ve started having fast food and TV dinners! You don’t ever see any old caveman movies of anyone ever been fat. People were skinny because they were always out chasing down varmints for dinner. They didn’t have guns or knives or rocket launchers. They were stuck with feet, and tree branches and rocks. Now THAT’S a way to chase down a meal I’d say. Think if cats followed in our footsteps. Not only would they get fat, but they might start thinking they’re better than us, as if they’re not pretentious enough as it is. Before you know it, cats would be fat slobs sitting around the house demanding that the bird be plucked and served to them on silver. If I were a cat owner, I’d be a little wary about this one…

2. Apparatus for simulating a "high five" – In case you haven’t realized that you have no friends, here’s a handy little device to further your speculations.

3. The Smoker’s Hat – Yes, that’s right, the smoker’s hat. Someone FINALLY invented a way to make a smoker not feel left out at gatherings when they have to go outside to smoke! They can just sit and chitchat with friends and family and feel normal. Just by putting this tiny (3 ft tall) thing on your head that includes “an integral fan for intaking ambient air (contaminated and non contaminated) into the hat with this intake ambient air flowing in front of the smoker's face, a filtration, purification and deionization system for removal of combustion products, such as smoke odors and positive ions from the intake ambient air, and an exhaust system for expelling the filtered deodorized, deionized and optionally scented air from the hat.” Oh, praise the Lord, I can, while I’m at it, scent the air when I’m done smoking as well! Actually, I think I can scent the air just fine on my own. Thanks though.

4. Killer Bee Protector – At first you may think it to be some revolutionary spray that bees hate, but worry not, it’s not something that tacky and unoriginal, it’s much better! You don’t even have to spray anything on! It’s not a cream and it’s unscented. Well, I guess I can’t guarantee that statement. It may smell a bit like plastic, cause your in a big plastic ball, much like the Greenhouse Helmet. But I suppose it might not smell like plastic if you bought it used on Ebay or something, cause then it might smell like a giant hamster. The previous owner might have believed that nobody would come up with something so utterly useless and decided that it MUST be for his 56-pound hamster. But then you’re just playing the odds, so lets go with it smelling like plastic. I think if a person is THAT afraid of killer bees, there are a few things I think would work better. First idea – Don’t go around killer bees. Second idea – Don’t ever leave your house, and close your windows and lock your doors. Third idea – Poke out your eyes. It may sound gruesome, but at least you wouldn’t have to see any killer bees around and whenever you were bitten, you could just think to yourself, “Gee, there certainly are a lot of random pins falling from the sky today.” Granted you may die, but at least you wouldn’t have to be such a hypochondriac.

5. The Santa Claus Detector – I’m not kidding. This is a real invention. “A children's Christmas Stocking device useful for visually signaling the arrival of Santa Claus by illuminating an externally visible light source having a power source located within said device.” I don’t even know where to start with this one. Let’s start with those that believe in Santa. If you do believe in Santa, stop reading now or else you won’t get anything next year. Santa is watching, and he knows if you’ve been bad or good. – Now if you don’t believe in Santa, take into consideration who buys the presents and puts them under the tree. Let’s say this thing really does what it says and “visually signals” when the presents are finding their way under the tree. That’s the last thing you need at 3am when you’re stuffing presents for your 3 and 4 year olds under the tree is a ridiculously annoying sound ringing in your ear and waking up the kids. You’re already tired as hell, stumbling around in your undies, putting stuff that cost too much money under the tree. You don’t need to be discovered by a “Santa Detector” in this situation. Secondly, and furthering my case, what child is going to have the money to purchase this device? A parent isn’t going to get a kid a noise-maker that’ll inevitably just ruin his/her illusion that Santa is make believe just like elves, gremlins and eskimos.

6. Transparent color-coding of intravenous tubing and intravenous fluid reservoir – Just one remark here… Um, if you’re a patient and you see your doctor looking at the color coordination chart to see which fluids are going into you, I think you need to find a new doctor.

7. The Greenhouse Helmet – This one is clearly going to fail before it even gets off the ground, no pun intended. You can imagine the photo that the inventor drew for it. It’s a picture of a guy smiling in a big fishbowl-looking sphere. He’s just hanging out in there with several plants all around his head cause they give off oxygen. Now I’m no biologist, but I’m fairly sure that plants don’t actually give off oxygen as fast as we breathe out carbon monoxide, so you’d need a lot of plants in your bubble with you! I can’t quite understand the point though; seeing as though you can buy a tank of oxygen that’s about 800% lighter, and just use the nose piece attachment to get MUCH more oxygen than 15 plants on your head. Clearly the people that truly need the oxygen aren’t going to be able to carry 15 plants on their heads anyway. So obviously this invention is for the person that doesn’t want to look “stupid” when compared to the average oxygen user, by wearing a fancy-dancy greenhouse fishbowl on his head…

There will always be people out there that think they have an invention that’ll really catch on if it hits the right market, and I’m sure there are a lot that will succeed. I just hope that there will always be people out there that will keep making ridiculously useless products so the future of mankind has something to laugh at as well…


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Reviewed by Brett Pransky 4/1/2004
Good stuff. I always like to laugh at the silly things that people do. Santa detector - that's a good one.
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 4/1/2004
Oh Boy this was interesting Rodd!!

Tha birdcatcher was the best....no wonder this bird is fat....reading

Rodd's silly stuff all the time...........hehehehehehehe...ya..right!!

Love Tinka


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