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~Indigo~ Elga

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Member Since: May, 2004

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Lost and Found
By ~Indigo~ Elga
Friday, July 01, 2005

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This was written May 2004. Never thought of posting it then. But I now decided to take it out of "moth balls" Perhaps one of the reasons I never did post, I know I need to do plenty of polishing in my written work. Also never having been encouraged over the last 18 years certainly hinders the mind. However, now just over a year since I started writing, decided I need to start somewhere, and what better place than here. I did a bit of tidying up in a couple of areas, although not perfect, I will get better :-)

Love to All

Lost and Found

..... now, as I write this, it is dark out, and I have the electric fire going, as the nights are not so pleasant.  I have 9 of my 23 pets gathered around me, sleeping soundly, the absolute serenity, quietude.  How right it is about lost and found, about familiar pathways, and then different surroundings, perhaps I too know of these.

 It all started in 1997, soon after I had nursed a terminal friend of mine who was diagnosed with cancer.  I stood by her day and night, often slept at her place to keep an eye on her.  Often didn't sleep, I bathed, cleaned, fed and dressed her.  It was a long battle, and I prayed that God would spare her, but unfortunately, it was not to be.  After she passed away, my troubles began. Hence this is when I did start losing, not only myself but everything else pertaining to life.  The familiar pathways were no longer visible. Only un-chartered territories lay ahead.  Yes I had lost a good friend, and I had started to lose my way.

I was an outsider looking in on myself, and wondering “what am I doing here?”  Feelings of absolute terror, not being able to remember what I had done five minutes before, shaking constantly, suffering the most excruciating headaches, loss of hair, looking old and haggard, broke more crockery than I care to remember, not eating yet putting on tremendous weight, nausea, constant apprehension and fear were my closest companions, and admittedly, bed and sleep was the safest place for me, my comfort zone.  In fact, so close I came to almost losing my life.   Unfortunately unbeknownst to me, and often, seeking medical advice from my GP, his response was, “You are just a neurotic woman, go home and take a couple of painkillers” was I losing the plot?  NO, only many months later, after talking to my gynaecologist, and doing some blood tests, it was in fact discovered my thyroid gland had stopped working altogether, when this happens, your other functions too stop working, or don’t work as effectively, I wasn’t far off losing my life, I was clinically hypothyroidic, (my readings were 79.8 ideally they should be between 0.35 -5.50) close to lapsing into a coma.

The only support that I had ever wanted, that of my husband, one to  help me find  my way once more, take me out of this haze in which I found myself in. To show me the way home, not to feel lost, comfort me, tell me that it was OK, was not forthcoming - lest it be in the sense of being called “a fat lazy bitch” in front of my gynaecologist,  and told to get to grips with myself.  Even with the efforts of obtaining detailed information regarding hypothyroidism, and the copies of the blood results and handing said to him, he still wanted more proof!

In September 1999 I nursed my husband through a double bypass, never questioned and always supportive.  Through all this, also giving my two sons the love and support that they most needed at this time of sheer trauma.  The fear that these two little boys then aged 10 and 12 respectively, felt with the thought that they may lose their father, was so difficult. Trying to console, comfort and reassure them that everything would be fine, maintaining the daily chores, and still having to find the time with visits twice or three times to the hospital.  I was now mommy and daddy to these two little boys.  After several months, things did start to look up, we began to find, once again that family unit that we had “lost” just several months before.  The family was once again found, and things were back to normal, until the next unexpected visitor was to make its appearance.

In January 2000, after a visit to the gynaecologist and a pap smear, it was discovered that the results were not good, it was suggested that I book in for a cone biopsy and hopefully that would resolve the problem.  By mid February, I had booked in, and had the cone biopsy done, the Gynae seemed quite positive, although I was told to go back six months later for another pap smear.  This being the standard procedure, so by August I had the following test, yet felt pretty confident that all would be just fine… but it was not to be, it was confirmed that I had the start of uterine cancer, it just felt unbelievable, how could this be? We had just had the last upheaval, and now this.  A full hysterectomy was the call of the day, and the concern was, had it spread to the glands, this would not be known until I was being operated on, thankfully it was contained. So I lost something, but found I had my life, what more could any mother, wife want or need.  I wasn’t given much sympathy and within 4 weeks I had no option but to face the daily routines, however, I was battling to cope.  Unfortunately things were not as clear cut as they seemed, my strength totally sapped.
Could it be that I was not doing enough, not offering enough, perhaps I hadn’t been kind or supportive enough to my fellow humans.  Perhaps! I guess once again I was feeling a little lost.

These constant daily battles I found myself in, eventually led me once again to the doctors rooms, more bloods, it was a confirmation, which I neither wanted nor felt I deserved, "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome".  A rollercoaster of losses and founds is where I have been for the last 7 years.  Grappling at every thread, trying to hold on and keep the faith.
Confusion, a mere state of mind, an illusion that you allow yourself to believe, when you have been so hurt.  I understand that simple things to some may seem unimportant, when their lives may seem to be so fulfilled – but are they?

Perhaps finding myself has been in the form of poetry and expression, in the best way I can.   If my mind is a boiling pot full of emotions and ideas, then I am truly fulfilled in that respect, and the world has shifted positions under my feet. 

I am not indifferent to others needs, and believe that they too may be going through a “lost and found” situation, therefore I am here to console and comfort those who feel both lost and found.

I have FOUND myself, yet lost myself. –
Yet I am found.
These may not be eloquent words, but they are honest. 

So talk to me about lost and found – the distinction is so uncanny!
9 May 2004 – Elga ~Indigo~

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Reviewed by P. Michaels 10/21/2008
Hi Elga,

I can identify with your story. Sometimes when we give our all, we become lost. Watching another die can cause us to start dying. However, even if lost for a while, we can be found. You wrote a good story.

Reviewed by m j hollingshead 7/9/2007
holds reader interest
Reviewed by mz kimi 1/7/2006
you are quite a woman! fabulous!
Reviewed by Sandra Mushi 12/28/2005
I am realizing today what will, determination and zest for life people here at the den have! Very inspirational and enriching indeed! I trully admire you all. You have reminded me to appreciate life more and all the blessing that come along.

Thank you for such a courageous write!

God bless, Elga!

Reviewed by Kerry Compton Star Girl 8/11/2005

This is a most amazing memoir. I can relate so very well to it for I too have been lost, found, lost and found yet again over and over and mine has gone on for seven years as well. My circumstances are different than yours, but I can empathize so very easily with your plight. Keep the faith and keep on writing, it is such a healing release.

Reviewed by Regis Auffray 8/1/2005
A courageous sharing of yourself, Elga. Thank you. Respectfully in love and peace to you,

Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner 7/6/2005

Not only are you an amazing Poet, you are an amazing storyteller! You draw the reader into your soul and leave an imprint that will linger for some time; a strongly penned, courageous piece; thank you for enriching my world with your words.

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. :( *tears* I had no idea--
Reviewed by Susan Barton 7/2/2005
So well written dear Elga. I too have been in some of these places. It can get better! Writing has been my salvation on these times of illness and loss.
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 7/2/2005
a beautiful, strong write; very well done, chanti! your words are a work of art; keep up the fantastic writing! i am in awe of your talents!

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in america, karen lynn in texas. :D
Reviewed by Felix Perry 7/2/2005
Elga, as Chanti and Robert said you are a brave and courageous women who deserves more then life has given you, yet your spoken and written words offer encouragement and hope to others. I am glad that you have the ability and the power to keep rising above your obstaacles and the power of the pen to ease and comfort heart and soul. You also have the friendship of your fellow writers here on the den.

Reviewed by Richard Christopher Suarez 7/2/2005
I should first say ; 'I will probably never forget these words
of your pure life's experience. The pain, the feelings very
many. The Strength! Your strength is one of immense endurance.
I too have Chronic fatigue syndrome and the very start of a condition
that could advance to cancer. I am incredibly strong myself and I have faced almost unbearable situations and at seemingly endless
periods of my life. I like you, survived, and I thank GOD that everything finally turned around.I rarely find comfort in the understanding of others. People have become accustomed to listening
to pieces of what the person in pain is saying and quickly resolving
and resuming the entire circumstance's cause start , finish and some
are extremely fast at making their own outrageous salutions and
bravely present such simple remodies.
Elga, I am not meaning to ramble , but you've touched me heart.
I am very glad I stopped here on this Saturday morning to read your
story. You've inspired me to persist more still and Elga for what
it's will remain in my prayers from now on.
If ever you need a friend to really hear you please caontact me
whatever time it may. You know my e-mail address.
I will close now by sending you continual blessings of all life's
most beautiful things. I hope peace ,true joy , life and it's treasures surround you....stay well Elga.
Rich Criso Suarez
Reviewed by Chanti Niven 7/2/2005
My dear friend,
I know all that has happened to you and yet it was enlightening to read your words. You denigrate yourself far too much because you HAVE expressed yourself eloquently and I'm sure that others will read this and relate. I know that your biggest problem is that you have not had the support and love that you needed on the home front. Had someone seen the signs and symptoms, and given you a helping hand, I'm sure your recovery would have been far quicker. I am so happy that you've found solace in writing poetry and I hope that you will continue to write stories like this because you do express yourself so well.

You know that I'm always here for you and I hope that I've been some encouragement to you along the way. You have encouraged me through a recent battle with illness. It is so good to have friends you know you can rely upon. I am grateful that you've survived and that you're starting to stand up and become an independent, confident woman. Don't EVER let people knock you down. You are what you believe.

Thanks for having the courage to share such an intimate insight into your struggles. I really do hope that this encourages others suffering from similar problems. It was the reason I posted my story about rape and I was deeply moved by the responses I received.

Keep your head up high girl. You have every reason to be proud.
Love Chanti

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