Father Xmas the Stripper
By Alexandra Riera
© 2005 Alexandra Riera
Peter woke up to a cold room on Christmas day. It was six o’clock in the morning and the sun still hadn’t come out. Not bothering to put any slippers on he ran to the dinning room as quietly as possible to avoid waking everybody up. He wanted to be the first one to see the Christmas tree surrounded by presents and check how many would be his.
When he entered the dinning room, only the silhouette of the Christmas tree was visible, he couldn’t see any presents anywhere. He drew the curtains in the hope that he’d see better but as it was still dark so he opted for the light. There weren’t any presents. He thought that perhaps Father Christmas hadn’t arrived at his house yet and went straight back to bed where he could wait and look through the window to see if he could catch Father Christmas at work. How desperately he wanted that, he had always wondered how Father Christmas could fit in the small tube of the fire burner with his sack full of presents.
Peter fell asleep on a chair by the window and was woken up by his little brother Andrew.
“Hey, what are you doing there?”
Peter’s neck hurt and he could hardly move to face his little brother.
“I was waiting for Father Christmas.” He told him as he noticed that his little brother had been crying. “What’s the matter with you?”
“He didn’t come Peter, he forgot about us” Andrew answered him as he started crying.
Peter forgot the pain in his neck, pushed his brother aside and belted to the dinning room only to see it exactly as he had seen it earlier in the morning. He couldn’t believe it, it was morning and the sun was up. He could smell his mother’s cooking so he went to her and demanded that she told him the truth.
“Of course Father Christmas exists, he’s just a bit late, that’s all”, answered his mother.
Father Christmas hadn’t showed up in the whole day and in the afternoon they decided to go and visit their grandmother to see if their presents had been delivered to her house by mistake.
No presents had been delivered at their grandma’s or at their aunt’s either. In fact no presents had been delivered in the whole town and things were getting a little hot. There were many children crying and many parents with worried faces.
Where was Father Christmas?
Quite far away from the little town, a jolly old man with a stripy red and black suit was having another drink at the bar whilst he looked at the leaflet he was holding in the other hand.
SPACEX - Adults only Guide
Spacex is a long established Universal Resort at the centre of Planet 560021.
We are happy you decided to take a break from boredom and routine and come to our very entertaining Adult Only Holiday Resort. Below is a list of some of the most popular activities that we hope you’ll enjoy participating in.
§ Drinking Competition. See how much you can make your pet drink. Androids are not included in the pet’s category.
§ Stripping Competition. Let your hair down and loose all inhibitions as you dance to the rhythm of the Wragoos and strip to an audience of five thousand spectators from the four corners of the Universe 34978. Individual air conditioning units are available at an extra cost of 700 rups.
§ Couching Competition: See how many Earth films you can endure watching non stop. Participants are only allowed 10 minutes a day to relieve themselves in adjacent safety boxes. Food and drink will be provided at no extra cost.
§ Sports. If you can endure a game of anything against our Vegosh Star and actually win, you get to stay at our facilities free of charge for the rest of your life. That’s a challenge worth trying.
The leaflet looked tantalising; he had already tried his hand at the couching competition and had won three thousand pig points which would be given to him on departure. He had five thousand and two hundred pig points left to win the mega prize: A whole night in Andrazia’s lady’s house.
“I know who you are…” said a young lady in a provocative tone as she touched the stripes of his suit.
“I do too”
“You look good in that suit, where did you get it from? It’s definitely not from around here.”
“It’s from Lapland, I bought it second hand, I hate new things, they feel wrong” he replied.
“I’m not new; I’m quite old and second hand too. Fancy a drink?” she asked him as she sat next to him. “My name is Andrazia by the way.”
“I’m Nick”. He answered as the name sunk in.
Nick thought that there was probably a mistake somewhere; this couldn’t possibly be the Andrazia he was thinking of, not the one that owned the Lady’s house although he had to admit that her faces looked exactly the same as the ones he had seen in the adverts. He suddenly started feeling ill at ease, her six hands were all over him; touching his beard, playing with his woolly hat, his belt, his boots and even removing his glasses.
She realised that he was getting nervous so she ordered a few more drinks, two for herself and one for him. She gulped them in one go and then urged him to do the same with his so that she could order some more as the bartender wasn’t allowed to serve another drink unless the glass was drunk first.
Nick started feeling a bit tipsy and light headed, he took hold of Andrazia and kissed her twice on the lips on both faces and suggested they went to the dance floor.
As Nick’s balance was off, Andrazia offered to guide him towards the dance floor. Nick’s legs were a little wobbly as he tried to dance and twirl on the dance floor, his forehead was now covered in sweat with the effort and the heat felt overwhelming, so much so, that he took his jacket off revealing a bright red sweater underneath. His feet started aching too and his boots were beginning to be a burden to his feet. He took them off and two toes peeped out of his fluorescent green socks.
Nick’s moved a much faster, following the frenzied rhythm of the Wragoos, his shook his hips and thrust them backwards and forwards, he lifted his arms, removed the sweater and threw it on the floor where it was swiftly picked up by a little robot. His chest was covered in shiny silver plaits with red little ribbons at the ends and everybody on the dance floor cheered him in encouragement. Nick didn’t take long to undo his belt and hand it to Andrazia. He was having fun and he was enjoying the attention. His trousers were the next thing to come off as the music slowed down. Bright red and yellow lights were illuminating him and Nick carried on dancing only wearing his red woolly hat, a bright yellow g-string and fluorescent green socks. Andrazia was most impressed and when the music stopped she told him that he should have entered the Stripping competition as he would surely have won it.
Dam, he thought, as he was beginning to recover his senses. He should have and then he would have probably won the extra pig points he needed in order to visit Andrazia’s Lady’s house.
Andrazia invited him over to her house for a night cup and as he said yes he remembered about the rein-deer. They couldn’t possibly travel all the way to her house and survive. They had to cross the black hole and that was just a no no situation. The deer would certainly die in the process and then how was he going to get back to Earth and deliver the presents..
“Oh! The presents!”
“What day is it?” He asked as if suddenly in a rush, he picked up his clothes from the floor and dressed again awkwardly.
“What day is it?” He asked her again.
“What day is it? Where? Here?... today is Mriptosh” She answered puzzled.
“That means I’m a week late, dam! Listen I have to go, I’ll see you in a couple of days, I’ll find different transportation and get to your house, is that alright?” he asked her as he headed towards the door.
Back at Peter’s town everybody had stopped waiting for Father Christmas as parents had had to buy some presents for their kids and pretend that Father Christmas had been late that Christmas. Newspapers around the world talked about the disappearance of Father Christmas and world leaders met to discuss ways of being a bit better. Many people were convinced that Father Christmas had ceased to exist; some others thought that he had just grown tired of bad people and a minority thought he had been kidnapped.
On New Year’s day people from all over the world woke up to find their presents from Father Christmas waiting for them, only they were not their presents but somebody else’s. Father Christmas had forgotten to check on the labels and had misplaced every single present.
Nobody complained just in case Father Christmas didn’t show up again the following year. It was better late than never. A few children reported having seen a very unstable sleigh flying through the sky at midnight.
© 2005 Alexandra Riera