NIGHT OF THE NUDE
(C.)1999 by Francis DiPietro
all rights reserved
BLACK SCREEN...CREDITS BEGIN
1. EXT. AN AMISH COMMUNITY - MORNING
OVERHEAD PANNING SHOT...A happy village of bearded, black- suit-wearing men and prim, long-gowned women in bonnets pleasantly make their way through unpaved, muddy streets. We can hear polite, AD LIB conversations mingle with horse and buggy sounds.
CRANE DOWN AND TRACKING ALONG...shop windows. As a pioneer-type, "Little House on the Prairie" style music plays, we see:
A) A butcher's shop named "Caleb's Chops".
B) The practice of "Dr. Whittle Harpthinger".
C) The "Holy Book Shop of Reverend 'Jumpin' Jacob Jimminy".
D) "Brother Wiley's Same-Day Buggy Repair Service".
E) A small "Relocation for the Shunned" shop.
Panning camera stops on AHAB BOOKER and his wife INGRID. They are a stoic, middle-aged Amish couple.
Ahab and Ingrid are window shopping for a new horse whip.
If we had electricity in our home we could watch Jeopardy.
Electricity is the work of the devil... and so is Jeopardy. Alex Trebec is an apprentice of Satan. Now help me pick out a new horse whip, blast it!
I like the one with metal studs on the handle. It's sexy.
Sshh! Sex is the work of the devil... and so are metal studs. That whip should be damned to Hell!
I wonder what manner of craftsman fashioned such an intriguing whip...
NIGHT OF THE NUDE
2. INT. MAD BRENDA'S BARN - DAY
As the CREDITS END, we see a hunched woman move through a workshop of leather straps, whips, chains, etc. This is MAD BRENDA HOFFLE, a shunned Amish dominatrix. She lives smack dab between the Amish community and a nudist colony.
Currently, Mad Brenda is puttering. She is attaching the seventh of nine spiked tails onto a whip. We DOLLY INTO CU.
Every bit of pain is lovingly made by hands that understand. Trust Mad Brenda to provide you with a full line of quality dominatrix products.
Her husband/slave, HARVEY, walks downstairs. His ankles are shackled together and his chains rattle.
The Jell-O got warm and melted! How much longer must I wait, Mistress?
One more complaint and I'll invert your toenails, slave! My new line of products are more important than any man!
Can I see? What new invention are you making?
Stay back, pig! I haven't perfected it yet. (CU) But when I do, it will change the way we punish!
ELISHA BOOKER'S FACE
Elisha is Ahab's brother. Stern and concentrating, his face is fixed as he prepares to deliver punishment upon a young teenage boy.
3. INT. BARN - DAY
A host of black-clad Amish are gathered around a very frightened boy. Sunshine streams through the slits in the barn, contrasting with the dim shadows. Elisha Booker grabs a massive PADDLE from a hook on the wall.
Young Benjamen, you have been found guilty of sleeping in church. This is ghastly and unforgivable. Now pull down your pants, son.
As the boy does so, we cut to:
OUTSIDE THE BARN
Ingrid Booker and a bunch of other wives are lustfully peeping at the young, pantless boy. They jostle for position.
Look at that fine young ass...mmm.
One of the Amish women is subtly playing with herself.
BACK TO SCENE
Elisha Booker nastily and perversely enjoys administering the punishment. CU his face contort with glee as the paddle bites into the boy?ump.
Ah, laddie, I'll have ye squealin' like a piglet soon!
The punishment has been given! Brother Elisha, stop whipping! You have passed the prescribed number of three paddles! You are currently on twelve! Stop! Thirteen! Stop!
With no hint of stopping, Ahab motions other Amish men to restrain Elisha. Finally, the paddle-crazy Elisha comes to his senses and wipes a line of spittle from his chin with his cuff.
Thank ye, brothers. The devil hath ridden up my colon again.
He must like it there...
4. EXT. NUDIST COLONY - DAY
CU a fine young ass walking along a lakeside. This ass symbolizes all things opposite of the Amish community: it is suntanned and bare, wiggling and seductive.
DRAW BACK TO REVEAL a prosperous nudist colony. Naked people are at frolick everywhere: nude volleyball, nude sunbathing, nude swimming, and nude copulating.
We can see a MAN and WOMAN walking hand-in-hand along the shore.
NUDE WOMAN #1(JANIS)
This is the perfect spot, Joel. The only problem are those horse and buggy weirdos on the other side of the mountain. I wish those freaky Amish would see the light one day and join us.
NUDE MAN #1 (JOEL)
Ha! We?ave a better chance of aliens joining us!
5. EXT. EARTH'S OUTER ATMOSPHERE
We can see the continent of North America, swirled here and there with clouds.
SFX a strange, Jetsons-like propulsion system. It sounds far away at first, but approaches with a lulling rhythm of beeps and pulses.
We see A HOT-DOG-IN-BUN-SHAPED SPACESHIP amble John Wayne-like onto the scene. It reminds one of a beat-up old station wagon, but with personality.
KOMMANDER KARLZAK (V.O.)
Bliz-Kanac, fip gordo ye chem?
Translation Subtitle: "Lieutenant Kanac, where zee hell are we?"
6. INT. SPACESHIP HELM
(From now on, the aliens will speak English with a German accent.)
We're farquing lost! We should have taken a left at the Orion Belt! Maybe we could ask this planet (off Earth) for directions back to Rognok 7?
It?orth a try. Beam them a UHF signal...
6. INT. COUNTRY SHACK - NIGHT
A sleepy hick sits spread-legged in his easy chair. He is groggily watching a wrestling match on a UHF channel. Several empty bottles of beer adorn his general area.
THE TV shows a typical, overblown wrestling match.
WRESTLING ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Ooh, and the Doom Meister has King Larry in a figure-four leg lock!
Suddenly, an instant of static is followed by a new television image: A gender-neutral alien speaking directly into the camera. This is a pre-recorded request for directions, but it looks hilarious. The language resembles a confused German ape.
Flip-hymmen gee tooki blordo. Conde fu-taka ist jumen hublvek Rognok 7?
I don't care who you are, the Doom Meister will kick your ass too.
(He reaches for his remote, turns off the tv, and belches.)
The room is left in darkness for a moment.
7. INT. SPACESHIP
Why haven't they responded?
Maybe our signal is too weak. We should get closer.
Yes. By all means. Get closer...
8. EXT. EARTH?TMOSPHERE - NIGHT
The hot dog-in-bun spaceship (which resembles a beat-up station wagon) ambles awkwardly toward the planet's surface. Suddenly, all sorts of WARNING LIGHTS FLASH and ALARMS SOUND inside the spaceship.
What zee hell is going on? Lieutenant Kanak, what de foque is happening?
Zee blasted atmosphere is overpowering us!
You steered us too close, you foquing blockhead!
BACK TO SCENE
We follow the ship as it heats up and plummets (SPFX) toward the troposphere. We see the clouds swirling over North America. We head toward the northeast. Pennsylvania is below us.
COMMANDER KARLZAK (V.O.)
Have you any idea what our cargo will do if released on this carbon-based planet?
LIEUTENANT KANAK (V.O.)
It will do nasty things, I suspect...
INSIDE THE SPACESHIP
We see fear now etched on the alien faces. They watch a GIANT MONITOR SCREEN which shows the ground drawing near.
This is it. As they say on this planet, bend over and kiss zee whole of your ass goodbye!
The ENTIRE CREW dutifully obeys this final order.
9. EXT. NUDIST COLONY - NIGHT
As a beach full of moon-bathing nudists relax, they see a comet-like streak of titian brightness appear amidst the stars and rocket ever-closer to their exact location (SPFX).
Our model nude couple, Janis and Joel, are getting intimate...
Stop sucking my tits and look at the sky! I think it's an asteroid or something!
Oh no you don't, Janis! I?ot falling for that trick again!
10. INT. AHAB BOOKER HOUSE - NIGHT
A similar scene between Ahab and Ingrid is about to take place... except it?n their bedroom, and Ahab sits in front of a vanity mirror, intently waxing his beard. Ingrid sits sewing beside a window. She sees the bright streak in the sky.
Ahab, stop waxing your moustache and look at the sky! I think it's a sign of the apocalypse!
AHAB (still waxing)
Mmm...you said that about a firecracker last summer too... and before that when the cow had dysentery you said Jesus was trying to tell us something.
As prep for the next scene, we hear SCREAMING (V.O.) FADE IN.
They are screams of both pleasure and pain...
11. INT. MAD BRENDA'S WORKSHOP - NIGHT
Brenda is punishing her husband/slave Harvey with pliers and tweezers. His nipples are bare and raw. He SCREAMS.
Trust Mad Brenda to provide you with gourmet pain...plus, at my low prices, each bruise is a bargain.
Through a b.g. window, we see the fireball ship streak past. Brenda and Harvey do not notice. A moment later we hear
Did you hear that, mistress? I think it's an earthquake!
Silence, simpleton! We're in Pennsylvania!
In exasperation, Brenda YANKS on the pliers and actually REMOVES one of Harvey?ipples. We CU on a G-rated, goreless nub of flesh held between the plier heads.
Harvey SCREAMS pathetically, yet playfully...like Beavis.
12. EXT. NUDIST COLONY - NIGHT
The ship is in the tail stages of crash landing. SPFX a Men-In-Black-type master scene of a giant nose dive into an agape crowd.
When it comes to rest, a NOXIOUS GAS is released from the torn hull of the alien freighter. The GAS has a personality to it, like when they opened the Ark at the end of ?ders...??nd all the spirits swirled around everyone?ead.
Wow! What the hell are all them doo-hickies?
I don?now, but it?ike an old Blue Oyster Cult concert!
Suddenly, the tendrils of gas get HOSTILE. SPFX them branching out and SHOOTING UP each one of the nude person?sses.
The bodies shake--as if charged by electricity--and become lifeless...
13. EXT. MAD BRENDA?ORKSHOP - NIGHT
Brenda and Harvey stand on their front porch, in full Dominatrix/Slave uniform, watching the GLOWING AFTERMATH of the crash.
I bet they're aliens. I bet they've never been dominated by a professional before...
Well what about me? Hey, wanna go to the bedroom-dungeon? ...I'll let you invert my toenails...
MAD BRENDA (weighing her options)
(sighs) I suppose it must do for now...but just wait until those spaceboys wander my way...
14. INT. AMISH CHURCH - SUNDAY MORNING
A solemn sermon is being delivered by Reverend "Jumpin' Jacob" Jimminy. (Solemn, that is, until the reverend gets on a roll...then he truly lives up to his name. But first, we build the scene...)
A barnful of black-clad, kneeling Amish people clutch Bibles and listen to Jumpin?cob.
Who here is without sin? Who has not coveted his neighbor's ass?
Yes. Yes! I am an ass-coveter!
Then it is shame you wear upon your breast, weighty as a ten-pound nipple!
I often play with myself and dream of Nubian women holding spatulas!
You sir are a sinner! The wrath of Jehova will pummel your testes into a maroon pulp which the righteous will use to paint their wagon wheels!
Now Jacob is on a roll. He begins his characteristic JUMPING as he speaks.
The fires of Hell will consume the wombs of our wanton women! Our children will be born blind and crawl up into their own fundaments until they have vanished! The spittle of God will fry our backs and the pigs will eat our toes as we sleep!
We begin a CU PAN of the faces in the spellbound audience.
The Rev. Jimminy continues his rant. We INTERCUT between the faces of the audience and Rev. Jimminy. His neck and head are RED, covered in SWEAT. His hair is DISHEVELED. Each time he jumps a bookmark comes flying out of his Bible.
I wouldn't be surprised if Satan himself had landed in our midst! Are you hiding him in your barn, Mrs. Astor? And you-- Jonathan Poober--are you cooking breakfast for the Lord of Hell? You, Mary Carmady, are you sharing your toothbrush with the Prince of Pain? Hmm? Are you letting the Devil scrub his horns with your precious toothbrush, you slut!
15. EXT. NUDIST WASTELAND - SUNSET
Hundreds of nude bodies that were once at frolic are now still and lifeless...sort of.
The ALIEN GAS released when the ship crashed is reforming and regenerating their cells.
Slowly, they stir.
What happened? Are we alive? (beat) What smells so good?
Mmm...it's the Amish. They smell like plump little sausages. Let's eat them.
As Joel and Janis begin to follow their noses, another, less-revived nudist stops them. His name is LESTER. Everybody is now semi-awake.
Hey guys...where are you going? At night the women are supposed to toss onion rings around the men's phalluses.
We're going to eat the Amish, Lester.
Hey wait...I?get cutlery. (to crowd) Anybody else wanna eat the Amish?
A chorus of nods and AD LIB sounds of approval ensues.
Appropriate music (such as Tom Petty?ersion of ?ething in the Air??tarts.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
A.) A legion of zombified nudists wearing lobster bibs and holding knives and forks advances.
B.) They cross the mountain which separates them from the Amish. A red, setting sun is in the b.g.
C.) They knock over a sign which reads: "Beware All Ye Unholy. This Property is Protected by God"
D.) Dead ahead in their sights, the sleepy community is resting from a hard day of work.
16. INT. ELISHA BOOKER HOME - EVENING
CU on a pair of BUNNY SLIPPERS. Pull back to reveal Elisha Booker, all ready for bed in his long nightgown and conical sleeping cap. Over his bed is taped a pin-up centerfold of a Betsy Ross-type Amish woman erotically churning butter. Several issues of a "nudie" Amish magazine called THE WANTON SHUNNED litter his nightstand.
Elisha kneels beside his bed and prays.
Oh great and granting Lord, who brings rain for the crops, may you find it in your heart to bring a little spice into this lonely man's world.
Elisha reaches into a drawer and withdraws a pipe. He lights it with his bedside candle.
Lord, I'm not a demanding man, but I haven't had a woman in twelve years! Even the hens are looking good to me! I ask you--I beg you--to save this soul and bring me some real, honest to goodness, homo-sapien, heterosexual sex! (gasp) Women, Lord, you have so many of them in your kingdom! Lend me a few of the ripe ones, dammit!
A NOISE FROM OUTSIDE interrupts his "prayer".
POV Elisha Booker:
The window curtain draws back and below, with the cross of the window panes like a blurred frame in front of us, we see
DOZENS OF ADVANCING NUDES
To one as horny as Elisha, they might appear seductive.
Mmm...women, and men too. Mmm. I'll try anything once... Thank ye, Lord.
17. EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Elisha comes out to greet his "granted wish". He is still putting his second arm in the bathrobe as he emerges from his door. A big smile of expectation engulfs his face.
Welcome! Did you come here straight from heaven?
Our first Amish. I can taste him now.
Hello there. Say, why'd you folks bring all the knives and forks? (VO as he thinks to himself) Hey, maybe theyre as kinky as I am!
Lie down, Amish sausage, and take those silly clothes off. We have to apply seasoning.
ELISHA BOOKER (sliding pants down)
Oh, I'm in season.
18. FIVE MINUTES LATER
The sounds of LIP-SMACKING and CHEWING overpower the crickets and the wind. We hear the CLINK of the cutlery being used, and see the BLOODY MOUTHS of the nudist zombies.
I can't believe it. I used to be a vegetarian.
Okay, who's got the pepper?
Could you pass me that other forearm?
You pig! There's only two forearms for everyone! Can't you just have a foot?
This is like a picnic. It's nice to be here, nude under the stars, enjoying our fellow man.
We'll make base camp here. Take over the house. Move into town tomorrow night.
19. INT. CHURCH - MORNING
Here the whole community is obliged to gather for Reverend Jacob Jimminy's mass.
I see that one of us is absent here today. Tell me, where is Brother Elisha?
Has he been injured in a freak farming accident? Has one of you finally given him the beating he deserves? Hmm? (he starts jumping) How am I supposed to present you before God if you all aren?ven here?!
Suddenly we hear a GRUMBLING outside the church doors. Heavy thudding footsteps approach.
Elisha, ye filthy sinner. Have ye been drinkin' thyself silly again? Come in and repent!
The doors swing open (like Old West saloon doors) and, standing in the threshold, the alien commander Karlzak is clinging to life. Weird tendrils of smoke trail upward from his head. His otherworldly body is obviously bruised and battered.
The congregation is shocked and astonished.
Flip hymmen jee blordo contek. Doo flep al uhjiwa Rognok 7. (he is telling the tale of his ship?isaster. He uses hand motions to describe the ship going down and the deadly gas escaping.) Alojo poki mor-abu! Doo diatek hiss-hiss! Diatek!
It's Satan! Kill him!
Members of the congregation arm themselves with pitchforks and hoes. They begin to chase Commander Karlzak, who, disabled, dodges blows and runs around like a panicked chicken.
Finally, he is captured and subdued.
Should we deliver the fatal blow, reverend?
Hmm. The lord has just blessed me with a better idea... It's time we call upon the services of our old shunned sister, Mad Brenda Hoffle!
20. MAD BRENDA?ORCH - AFTERNOON
MAD BRENDA (CU)
Trust Mad Brenda to solve all your tricky dominating problems.
What are you going to do with him?
First I might give him a taste of his kind?own medicine. (she pulls out what looks like a swollen pool stick with spikes) Let's see how aliens like the anal probe!
Although Commander Karlzak doesn't speak the language, he certainly understands, and his eyes grow wide with fear.
Mad Brenda and Harvey take Karlzak as prisoner and the Amish head back home. Already Karlzak?eird screaming can be heard as a line of Amish silhouettes cross back over to their side of the mountain.
21. INT. NUDE ZOMBIE CAMP - SUNSET
As darkness falls the zombies stir.
We hear ominous music in the background.
As the zombies awaken, we see a
SERIES OF SHOTS
A.) A hand slaps down a buzzing alarm clock.
B.) A hungry zombie fries eggs.
C.) The coffee pot is turned on.
D.) A zombie takes a shower. He whistles as he scrubs.
Our model nude zombie couple, Joel & Janis, sit at the kitchen table.
Ah, evening. More Amish to eat.
I can taste them now.
Enter Felix, a gay nude zombie.
Hi Felix. Sleep well?
That Amish we ate last night has all sorts of pornography in his bedroom!
Was any of it your kind of pornography, Felix?
FELIX (sits with them)
No, dammit. It was all straight. Just naked women...and some crude hand-drawings of naked women.
Mmm, yes. He had good hands.
You didn't save one for me?
22. INT. BOOKER HOME - NIGHT
Ahab and Ingrid Booker are having an argument before bed.
He's your only brother, Ahab. Shouldn't you go to his house and look for him?
It's night and he lives on the very edge of town. I spent the last of my worries on him, Ingrid.
23. INT. MAD BRENDA'S HOME - NIGHT
The dominating of Commander Karlzak is going quite well. The alien now wears studded leather restraining gear. A pink ball is strapped to his mouth and his limbs are shackled to the wall.
(takes ball out of Karlzak?outh) Harvey, fetch me my Dominating Translator! Whatever language this slaves speaks, the Translator will understand and interpret the universal language of pain! (to camera) Trust Mad Brenda to invent the most useful dominating accessories!
As Harvey hands her the device, Mad Brenda picks up her latest torture invention: the nine-pronged whip we saw her working on earlier.
One lash from this fearsome tool and Karlzak is blathering. His native tongue is in the background as the machine interprets:
I'll do anything for you primitive nincompoops!
That's better. But you must call me Mistress. (another whip stroke)
24. EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT
Fully active now, the legion of nudist zombies advances upon the home of Mad Brenda Hoffle.
This one doesn't smell Amish.
A warm-up snack then.
25. INT. MAD BRENDA'S DUNGEON
Oblivious to the outside turmoil, Mad Brenda and Harvey are polishing various steel instruments. Suddenly, a CRASH alerts them to intruders. They look up and see the floorboards creek and dust trickle down as many trampling feet head their way.
MAD BRENDA (to Karlzak)
Looks like your buddies are trying to pull a Rambo for you. Harvey, arm yourself!
Finally! I get to administer!
The zombies don?now what they?getting into as they invade Mad Brenda?ungeon. They spot Commander Karlzak, and some hidden code in the gas they inhaled can still identify him as their leader. Music begins.
LESTER (in a trance)
Yes. The gas destroyed my body but not my DNA. This primitive creature now houses my soul. The same with the others.
We are the remnants of your crew.
Then get me out of here, you foquing blockheads! Do something right for once!
The spirits of Karlzak?lien crew now come to the forefront of controlling the bodies of the nudists. They are determined to free their captain, and attack.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
A.) Harvey conks one of the zombies with a leather-tassled mace.
B.) Joel charges but then stops to admire the craftsmanship in one of Mad Brenda?omemade instruments.
C.) Felix has found Mad Brenda's anal probe and he asks one of the other zombies to use it on him.
D.) The other zombies are utterly dismantled by Mad Brenda and her fantastic new weapon. She is beating them badly, her nine-pronged whip easily fending off all atackers.
Ha! Nude zombie aliens are no match for a professional dominatrix!
Suddenly, Commander Karlzak breaks free from his shackles and gets Mad Brenda in a Full Nelson. The dominatrix is subdued and the rest of the aliens capture her and Harvey.
Shall we eat them now Commander?
No. They have fought bravely. Just shackle them here. Save the full fury of your appetites for the Amish!
26. EXT. AMISH COMMUNITY - NIGHT
As the peaceful little Amish village slumbers, the nude zombies advance. We see an overhead shot of them closing in, walking with slow and steady paces. One of the zombies scratches his ass.
27. INT. AHAB BOOKER HOME
Ahab and Ingrid are fast asleep. Ahab snores like Shemp.
Suddenly a loud THUD jars them awake.
It's the devil! He's raiding our pantry!
Ahab grabs the nearest available "weapon", which turns out to be Ingrid's large hand-held mirror. He tip-toes in his sleeping gown toward the bedroom door, cautiously opens it in the darkness, slips into the hallway.
The zombies are advancing single-file up the long staircase.
Ahab approaches the top of the stairs. He can hear their breathing and footsteps. He crosses himself.
Janis is in the lead and she reaches the top. Ahab lifts the mirror to strike, and in that instant Janis gets a good look at her reflection. She is stunned by the degeneration of her face and halts.
Holy shit. I need make-up.
Ahab WHACKS her on the forehead with the mirror.
Return to the bowels of Hell!
Comically, as Janis falls backward, she takes out all the nude zombies behind her like a line of dominoes.
Ahab rushes back to the bedroom to prepare for a hasty escape.
Was it Satan, or a raccoon?
It was an ugly naked woman and a bunch of her friends! Let's get out of here and alert the community!
They hurredly put on boots and open the bedroom window. Ahab crawls down and Ingrid jumps into his arms. Ahab collapses under the falling weight of Ingrid.
28. INT. AHAB BOOKER HOUSE
After them, you foquing blockheads!
29. EXT. TOWN SQUARE - NIGHT
Ahab and Ingrid hurry toward the center of town. There is a GIANT BELL in the middle of the plaza. Ahab rings it repeatedly.
Wake up, my brethren! Satan is here!
A light comes on in the bedroom of Reverend Jumpin' Jacob Jimminy.
The shutters open and Jacob peeks his head out.
Are you drunk?
Other lanterns are lit in homes. People stir.
BACK TO SCENE
I just swatted an apprentice of Hell with my wife's beauty mirror! Hurry! Hurry! We're under attack!
JACOB JIMMINY (sees something)
A legion of nude zombies approaches.
JACOB JIMMINY (jumping)
My god! It's true ! Satan! Everyone get inside the church! Run!
30. EXT. ZOMBIE APPROACH
Mmm. Plump Amish sausages.
JOEL (picking up pace)
First come first served.
The zombies are now trotting toward the Amish.
31. INT. CHURCH - NIGHT
Reverend Jimminy is leading his congregation in a desperate prayer.
O Lord, save these filthy sinners. Save Mrs. Astor, who was hiding Satan in her barn. Save Jonathan Poober, who was cooking breakfast for the lord of Hell. Save even Mary Carmady, the slut who shared her toothbrush with the devil.
32. INT. MAD BRENDA'S DUNGEON
Mad Brenda and Harvey struggle against the expertly made bonds which Mad Brenda herself created.
Harvey, pretend you've just had some PCP and shatter these chains as well as your bones!
Harvey wildly struggles for a moment, in vain.
It's no use, Mistress. You have crafted excellent restraints.
MAD BRENDA (to camera)
Trust Mad Brenda's workmanship to provide quality and durability...damn it.
33. INT. CHURCH
The faithful have stopped parying and are now looking for things to barricade the windows and doors.
Use the pews, damn it!
The pews are God's sacred receptacle for your bottoms!
God never intended for us to be attacked by nude zombies, Reverend Jimminy.
How do YOU know that?
34. EXT. CHURCH
The zombies are testing the barriers, trying to find a weak spot.
35. INT. CHURCH
As the pews are being disrupted, Jacob Jimminy feels compelled to give a lecture.
Those are the Lord's benches you're upturning! How would you like it if he came to your home and knocked over your outhouse? (starts jumping) How would you like it if you woke up one morning and the Lord had wrecked your house and shit on your pillows?
AHAB (ignoring Jimminy)
These won't last long. Blast! If only we had telephones!
Ingrid stops. She has never heard her husband wish for such a convenience.
Yes, telephones! And tv sets so we could watch Jeopardy!
I?ike to have a blender.
A microwave oven!
You are sinners! Jonathan Poober, you will be giving the devil a pedicure in Hell! And you, Mary Carmady, you slut, you will spend eternity on your back on the devil's mattress, being wantonly violated by beasts!
MARY CARMADY (dreamily)
Already flailing zombie arms are poking through gaps in the windows. The righteous Amish dutifully slap their wrists.
Wait! These zombies are nudists. They came from the nudist colony across the hill. If we could somehow get there, we could use their phone to call for the National Guard!
JACOB JIMMINY (fending off a zombie)
But who will go?
I think our spiritual leader should be the one to save our souls.
But...I must stay here, in the church, where it?afe. Preachers can't be warriors!
You've been claiming to battle the devil all these years. Well here's your chance!
Let's put it to a vote. All those who wish to elect the Reverend Jacob Jimminy as our apostle...
The entire church erupts with a YEAH.
But...How do I know that you filthy sinners won't succumb to Satan while I'm gone? How do I know you won't throw off your clothes and worship the nude zombies? (he begins jumping) What manner of insurance do I have against the total degeneration of my flock?!
Well Reverend, for one thing, if Satan wants me to succumb, he'll have to ask a whole lot nicer than this!
Don't delay, Reverend. Be on your way!
They usher a distraught Jacob Jimminy toward the back of the church.
AHAB (opens a hatch in the floor)
Good luck, Jacob. A Reverend as entertaining as you will be hard to replace.
He half helps, half pushes him down. The hatch closes.
36. EXT. CHURCH
The nude zombies have formed a mosh pit around the church. Commander Karlzak holds Mad Brenda's translator like a megaphone. His accent is decidedly German.
Come out, Amish piglets. Vee haff a score to zettle!
CRANE DOWN AND TRACKING ALONG
Nude legs standing in front of the raised foundation of the church. In the deep background, still under the church, we follow Reverend Jimminy's furtive moves.
JACOB JIMMINY'S POV
Jacob watches the surrounding legs and moves to a far corner, where there is a short dash to the cover of trees. His hands are shaking as he crosses himself.
37. INT. MAD BRENDA?UNGEON
Brenda and Harvey still struggle against their shackles.
I'm getting tired of this shit, Harvey. I'm...going....to get...MAD!
Oh no. Fight it! Stay calm! Remember the last time you got really mad...
We see an Incredible Hulk transformation scene. Mad Brenda's muscles bulge, her clothes rip, her skin turns green.
She RIPS the shackles out of the wall and pulls them apart. She reclaims her nine-pronged whip with malicious intent.
38. EXT. CHURCH
Jacob Jimminy DASHES out from under the church and into the cover of trees. One of the zombies spots him.
39. EXT. MAD BRENDA'S HOUSE
We see a shot of the exterior stone wall, peaceful and serene in the moonlight...for a moment. A cricket chirps as
MAD BRENDA COMES CRASHING THROUGH THE WALL
She growls, sniffs the air, and runs off into the night.
40. EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
Jacob Jimminy dashes through Nathanial Hawthornian woods, with the "hoofprints of Old Scratch" right behind him.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
A.) Jimminy clutches his Bible and looks all around as he runs.
B.) Dirty nude legs are pursuing him.
C.) Jimminy?OV as he darts between the trees.
D.) Jimminy trips, falls, gets up, sees the zombie closing.
JACOB JIMMINY (running)
Oh Lord, blast this fiend! Strike it down! I'll owe you a big one!
The zombie howls with bloodlust in the thrill of the chase.
Mad Brenda the Hulk howls with anger as she runs toward the Amish community.
41. INT. CHURCH
The Amish look quite stressed as the zombie attack continues.
AHAB (nailing planks)
We can't put them up as fast as they're tearing them down!
Do you think Jimminy made it?
Yes of course he made it. (moves to Ingrid in private) No.
42. EXT. NUDIST COLONY - NIGHT
We see an overhead shot of the nudist compound. Aside from many shacks and small buildings, we also see an abandoned volleyball setup and the remnants of the alien spacecraft in the moonlight.
Jacob Jimminy breaks from the foliage and darts through a clearing. He runs into the largest building in the scene. Camera holds. A few seconds behind him, the zombie lumbers into the clearing.
43. INT. NUDIST RESIDENCE
Jimminy pushes open the door and frantically begins searching through the room. He finds many things (rubbers, vaginal lubricant, sex toys, etc.) but no phone.
He throws down these toys of satan and moves down a darkened hall. From behind, he hears something shatter as the zombie enters.
Oh Lord, think of your poor flock. I am their only hope...
Finally Jimminy heads into a bedroom which has a phone on the night stand. He shuts the door, drags a dresser in front of it, sits on the bed, and dials.
We're being attacked by nude zombies!
There is a sound outside the bedroom door. Jimminy hurredly dials the operator again.
Get me the National Guard! We need firepower down here! Hurry!
The door is tested. The dresser moves an inch.
To hell with you, bitch!
We see him dial 9-1-1.
POLICE OPERATOR (VO)
This is Reverend Jacob Jimminy and we need help!
The dresser moves another inch.
What' the problem and where are you?
We'e being attacked. I'm in the nudist colony but I want you to send the cars to--
The dresser topples and the zombie rushes in. He pounces on Jimminy and rips the phone out of the wall. Jimminy backs into a corner.
Mmm. Plump Amish sausage. You are mine and mine alone.
JACOB JIMMINY (opens Bible)
Ecclesiastes Three, Chapter Three, verses Sixteen and Eighteen: "And moreover, I saw under the sun the place of judgement, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there."
The zombie pauses to listen.
"I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts..."
The zombie is touched by Jimminy?peech, and begins to weep.
Jimminy then makes the mistake of improvising.
And woe be unto you sinners who cast off your clothes and hunt your fellow man; for you are filthy and decrepit!
Zombie grunts, not liking that last passage.
And shame be unto you who cause thy holy brothers distress! (jumping) Caverns of piss shall be your pools! Your heads will be bowling balls for the righteous!
The zombie is getting angry again, but Jimminy is so "filled with the spirit" he can?ell.
JACOB JIMMINY (jumping)
We will tan your hides and fashion pup tents for the children of God! We will turn your filthy bones into little picket fences which will line the houses of the holy!
The zombie attacks Jacob Jimminy, whose last gasp is a bewildered one.
44. INT. CHURCH - NIGHT
The Amish are looking tired, beaten and fearful. They have exhausted their supply of nails and planks yet still the zombies attack. Very soon they will break through.
AHAB (to Ingrid)
I thought we would leave this world old and senile, asleep in our bed.
I love you, Ahab Booker.
Boards crash down and the zombies break through the wall opposite the altar. The Amish rush back but then, from the opposite wall, directly behind the holy altar,
MAD BRENDA THE HULK BUSTS IN
The Amish and even the zombies pause.
Get out of here, you silly Amish! This is a job for a professional!
Eager to follow her words, the Amish exit via the hole in the wall she made. Comically we see them fitting through an outline of her hulking form.
Mad Brenda brandishes her nine-pronged whip and addresses the zombies.
Come to me, slaves.
The zombies look at each other, on the verge of fright.
This one doesn't smell like food.
She frightens me.
MAD BRENDA (snapping whip)
Kneel before your Mistress!
There is a pause. Then, in unison, all the zombies FLEE.
Mad Brenda yells and chases after them, cracking her whip.
45. EXT. AMISH COMMUNITY
We see the skimble-skamble zombie exodus from the church. Mad Brenda chases them into town square, lashing them randomly.
Come back to my workshop! I will build a slave ship and assign you each an oar!
The zombies try to hide. Some dash into houses and some crawl into shadows. The ones left in the open are thoroughly whipped by Mad Brenda the Hulk.
46. EXT. WOODS
The Amish cannot return to their community. It is still quite unsafe. They are dismayed and gathered in the woods.
Mad Brenda Hoffle saved us.
Maybe we shouldn't have shunned her.
For all we know she killed brother Elisha.
No. The zombies got Elisha.
How do you know?
Never mind Elisha right now. Where do we go?
Don't the nudists have a community?
47. EXT. AMISH COMMUNITY
Mad Brenda the Hulk is running out of zombies to whip. Those she has injured are strewn on the ground, but many more are well hidden. We can almost see their eyes peering from behind dark windows.
Harvey enters the scene.
Gee hon, you really showed 'em!
Mad Brenda is getting less and less mad. Soon she will lose her hulk power.
As a ploy, one of the zombies, Lester (Lieutenant Kanak) limps out of a house waving a white handkerchief.
Your powers are too great. You have beaten us. We surrender to your superior strength...Mistress.
That does it. Mad Brenda smiles. We see a TRANSFORMATION take place. Her bulging muscles deflate. She is normal again.
MAD BRENDA (to camera)
Trust Mad Brenda to exterminate those pesky zombies.
From offstage, we hear a growl. It is Commander Karlzak. He enters the scene.
Well done, Lieutenant Kanak.
The rest of the zombies emerge.
48. EXT. WOODS
The Amish are slowly walking.
What would Reverend Jimminy say about us taking shelter in the nudist colony?
He wouldn't like it, but I think he's dead.
Suddenly they hear TWO CHILLING SCREAMS come from the Amish community.
My God...that sounds like Mad Brenda and Harvey.
Guess she finally came up against people she couldn't dominate.
They are all walking much faster. Just then they hear another sound--several growls--much closer.
Wacky music (perhaps The Benny Hill Show theme) begins as the zombies chase the Amish.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
A.) Amish leap over fallen logs.
B.) Zombies chase them and yell, "Come back, sausages!"
C.) To run faster, many Amish throw off their jackets as they run.
D.) Some zombies pick up the jackets and wear them.
50. EXT. MAD BRENDA?OUSE
The Amish have made it to Mad Brenda?mpty dominatrix compound. They know the zombies are close behind (they can hear them) and dash inside, bolting the heavy door.
Beyond the foyer, the encounter a COMPUTERIZED command control and security center.
In the name of Jehova, what are all these gadgets and doo-hickies?
INGRID (inspecting them)
It? security system, Ahab!
The zombies have reached the door and start to POUND.
Ahab produces a monocle from his pocket and peers at the buttons.
How on earth do we operate it?
51. EXT. MAD BRENDA?OUSE
The zombies gave grabbed an old log and begin to use it as a battering ram against the door...BOOM.
52. INT. MAD BRENDA?OUSE
Another BOOM at the door. Dust dislodges.
We don?ave much time!
Just press buttons! Something's bound to happen!
As another BOOM begins to splinter the doorframe, Ahab wildly and randomly presses buttons and flips switches.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
A.) A blender in the kitchen turns on and a voice asks, "Another bloodmeal milkshake, Mistress?"
B.) Water jets in a Jacuzzi activate.
C.) Frank Sinatra music is piped through the rooms.
Meanwhile, another BOOM loosens the door?inges.
Damn this machine!
Press that button, Ahab. The red one.
As Ahab presses the red button, all the appliances stop and an obnoxious WHOMP-WHOMP ALARM begins. The lights switch to RED.
This blasted contraption is trying to summon Satan!
It's summoning something...
53. EXT. MAD BRENDA?OOF
Automated tiles retract and several ARMAMENTS rise. A megaphone attached to a machine gun emerges from the chimney. A pre-recorded message from Mad Brenda plays:
MAD BRENDA (VO)
You need to be punished!
All manner of projectiles spray the area in calculated, criss-crossing patterns.
54. EXT. COMPOUND GROUNDS
The zombies are taking heavy damage and begin to retreat...but Mad Brenda has a surprise for them.
Covered by a thin layer of dirt and leaves, a series of "boomerang plates" surround the compund. Once activated by weight upon them, a vast tension is released and they CATAPULT their unlucky victims high over the treetops.
The zombies make their comical exit. SFX fading screams as we SPFX bodies flung into the distance.
54. INT. MAD BRENDA?ECURITY ROOM
The Amish watch a video monitor as the zombies are ejected.
It's a miracle!
No. It's modern invention. We should have more of that. We should be able to watch Jeopardy! Why do we have to churn butter and ride horses? Why can?e make a fresh, modern start?
Do the rest of you feel this way?
The Amish NOD.
Well, maybe we can make a few changes...
55. EXT. FOREST - PRE-DAWN
The navy blue of the sky is just beginning to lighten as we follow the Amish through the forest.
Our home is back this way, Ahab.
Not any more. The way I see it, we can't make a fresh start with those old surroundings. We're going to live in the nudist camp, Ingrid. The whole place is ours now.
56. EXT. NUDIST COLONY
The Amish emerge into the same clearing we saw Jacob Jimminy earlier run, except now there seems to be no threat. Aside from old footprints, there is no trace of zombies. The camp is peaceful and serene; although, in the background still, the crashed alien spacecraft serves as a reminder of earlier events.
They walk hand-in-hand over the grass. Everyone has cast off their jackets by now, and some are beginning to remove their shoes.
Ingrid stops, takes a deep breath of fresh morning air. Then, in decision, she begins unbuttoning her blouse.
It's only right. I feel like a new woman. (reveals breasts)
The rest of the Amish are struck, unsure of how to react to Ingrid's bold example...until another woman joins her.
MARY CARMADY (reveals breasts)
Ah. The open wind hasn't touched these things since I was a girl.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
A.) Jonathan Poober pulls off his pants.
B.) An interested squirrel watches them from a nearby branch.
C.) Old Mrs. Astor pulls her dress up over her head.
AHAB (ripping his shirt off)
Oh what the hell. HA-HA!
CRANE UP AND PULL BACK
We see a happy, blissful scene of disrobing Amish in the meadow.
57. EXT. AMISH COMMUNITY - DAWN
The sun is about to rise. The zombies that remain are beginning to transform back to human. Commander Karlzak is nowhere to be seen.
JOEL (stretches and yawns)
I had the weirdest dream.
Me too. And I've got a funny taste in my mouth.
Like you had the night of our third date?
I can't remember our third date. I... can't remember our first date. Where are we? What are we doing here?
They look around. The Amish community seems totally alien to them.
Lester walks into scene. He is also normal now, like the others.
Can anyone tell me which house is mine. I'd like to take a shower.
I'm not sure. (points) Why don't you take that house there?
Okay. Cool. (he walks off)
More people turn to Joel and Janis for guidance.
NUDE FAT MAN
I'd like a house too. Maybe even some clothes. How the hell did we all get naked?
JANIS (just realizing)
I don't know. Must have been a mistake. Maybe aliens...
FELIX (enters holding an armful of Amish clothes)
Hey guys, I found clothes. There's plenty more. Enough for everyone.
The nudists (who have forgotten they are nudists) begin to don the Amish attire. They don't seem to mind at all.
From offstage we hear a young girl say, "Hey there's horses here!"
Everyone is pretty pleased with their new home.
Shouldn't we be in church or something?
Yes. That's a very good idea.
We see a WIDE SHOT of the former nudists walking into the church.
58. EXT. WOODS - MORNING
We hear FOOTFALLS. Someone is trudging through the forest. Camera tracks a pair of tattered black pants. We follow on steadicam.
Pull back slowly to reveal JACOB JIMMINY.
Worn and beaten from the attack, the plucky preacher has nonetheless survived. He now heads back toward the Amish community and "his flock".
59. EXT. AMISH CHURCH - MORNING
The nudists have cleaned up and repaired the damage to the outside. Thay all now are gathered inside the church.
Jacob Jimminy enters scene. He is proud and happy to see his people have overcome the wickedness. He reaches inside his jacket and produces a Bible.
Yes sir. This is a proud day for God.
He confidently marches into church.
60. INT. CHURCH
As Jacob Jimminy enters his domain, he sees nothing amiss. Rows of black-clad men and prim and proper women await his words. He strides to the pulpit.
My dear people, this past night has been the most hellish on record. Our faith was sorely tested. Our nerves were shot with arrows from hell. (jumping) Our privates were first tempted then clawed at by the wickedness which came in the dark! But we have triumphed!
His audience nods, grunts, seems to congratulate each other.
(in full preacher glory) We have survived, the night, of the nude!
61. INT. NUDIST CAMP - DAY
The Amish are concluding a great feast in celebration of their transformation. The men, though nude, still wear their black hats, and their beards. The women, though nude, still retain their bonnets and their stockings. AD LIB conversation.
In the background, beyond a nearby window, we see the remains of the alien spacefcraft outside.
62. EXT. ALIEN SPACECRAFT
Faint wisps of fumes still trail upward from the crippled ship. All is quiet for a moment, then a RUSTLING comes from the bushes.
Commander Karlzak emerges. He limps toward the ship.
Damn those people!
He ENTERS ship.
Intercut between the Amish feast and Commander Karlzak inside the ship:
A.) Ahab helps himself to another slab of pie.
B.) Karlzak activates reserve power.
C.) Ingrid laughs and sips coffee.
D.) Karlzak presses buttons, starts a sequence.
E.) Jonathan Poober smiles as he drops his napkin on purpose and leans under the table to pick it up.
F.) Karlzak presses a final button, and more NOXIOUS GAS is released.
63. EXT. NUDIST CAMP
SPFX the deadly zombie gas creeps toward the Amish.
64. INT. NUDIST CAMP
The feast has just concluded. The Amish are unaware of what approaches.
So, what should we do now? How about nude Twister?
I don?now. If we were still Amish, we?be saying our bedtime prayers...
Everyone LAUGHS at the idea.
INGRID They take so much time. It?ust not convenient.
Suddenly the GAS enters the room. Everyone drops off like flies. They convulse comically for a moment (like Curly from the Three Stooges doing a circular floor spin), then become still...for now.
65. EXT. AMISH COMMUNITY - SUNSET
Joel and Janis are admiring the sunset.
We've had a good clean day.
Yes. It feels nice.
Enter Jacob Jimminy.
Good Evening. How are two of the newest members of my flock doing?
Fine, Reverend. And you?
Oh just blessed! I'm so glad I got away from that filthy zombie who tried to eat me. Now things can begin again.
What happened to the previous members of your flock?
I don?now, for sure. I just thank the Lord for replacing them!
66. INT. AMISH HOUSE - EVENING
Lester and Felix are bunking together. They are saying their bedtime prayers...sort of.
FELIX (finds Bible and reads a passage at random)
"And when the Phillistines heard that David was annointed king over all Israel, all the Phillistines went up to seek David. And David heard of it, and went out against them..."
What does it mean?
FELIX (drops book)
How should I know? Goodnight.
67. INT. NUDIST CAMP - NIGHT
The Amish zombies are beginning to stir.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
A.) A hand groggily reaches around for a black hat. B.) Someone mumbles, "I want breakfast."
C.) Ahab Booker rises. He awakens Ingrid.
68. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
The Amish zombies groggily stagger toward their former community. They are wearing a little more clothing now. Men have loose, unbuttoned shirts and women have black skirts, no tops.
Ahead, in the distance, we see the silhouette of the Amish Community against the moon.
Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.
INGRID (pats his arm)
Now you've said it too, dear.
Indeed I have.
We FOCUS on the community. It sleeps peacefully, as if nothing had happened. Crickets chirp. HOLD SHOT.
For all the worry and fright they've cost us. For my brother Elisha, bastard though he was. We shall give them a night to remember...
69. INT. AMISH HOUSE #1
Joel and Janis sleep soundly together.
70. INT. AMISH HOUSE #2
Lester and Felix sleep soundly together. Felix snores like Shemp.
71. INT. AMISH HOUSE #3
Jacob Jimminy cannot sleep. He is up, burping hideously.
We follow him from his bedroom down to his kitchen, where he begins to prepare some warm milk for his indigestion. Just then, he looks up and sees through his kitchen window the Amish zombies.
He drops the pan of milk and burps.
72. EXT. JACOB JIMMINY HOUSE
We have an Amish zombie?OV for a moment as Jacob Jimminy emerges from his home and walks up to his former flock.
It is you. You?survived! Jonathan Poober! And Mary Carmady, you slut!
We haven't time to piddle, Jacob. Our plan is to eat the nudists.
What? My new flock? But they've converted! They really have.
We're gonna whittle toothpicks out of their bones.
Put a shirt on, woman! Besides, the one you really should be after is that alien. He's behind all this!
I don't know, Jacob. You all seem equally tasty from where we're standin'.
Meanwhile this commotion in the street has caused several people to stir. We see lights turning on and hear muffled voices, silhouettes moving behind windows, watching.
But don't you see? These people have recovered from the alien's spell and come to their senses! You will too, but by then he may be gone... If you really want to strike at the cause of your troubles, strike at that ungodly alien!
Others have wandered outside now, quickly catching the gist of the conversation.
I remember my time as a zombie. It was like a freaky dream.
We know where the alien is and we'll help you.
73. INT. ALIEN SPACECRAFT - NIGHT
Commander Karlzak has never piloted a ship all by himself before-- never mind a crippled ship. He uses some weird TOOL to tinker with the electronics.
You can never find a damned mechanic when you need one!
SHIP'S VOICE (OS)
Flux Capacitor deactivated. Primary ignition disabled.
COMMANDER KARLZAK (bangs the tool)
74. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
The Amish zombies and the reformed nudists have joined forces to form a huge LYNCH MOB. They stride through the forest, quickly approaching the site of the downed spacecraft.
Ahab has a couple of questions as they walk.
By the way, what became of Mad Brenda Hoffle and Harvey?
We ate them. Sorry.
Yes. But I think he enjoyed it.
Yes. I suppose he would. He once told me of his desire to be eaten to death. Strange man.
We are following them on hand-held camera as they emerge into the clearing which contains the spacecraft.
75. INT. SPACECRAFT
Commander Karlzak is advancing in his repair of the ship when he is suddenly warned by the sensors:
SHIP'S VOICE (OS)
Warning. Large hostile presence detected.
Next we hear a series of hard THUDS as the ship's hull is beaten with rocks and sticks.
Commander Karlzak tries to release more zombie gas.
Gas cargo depleated. Cargo hold empty.
This is a moment of truth for Karlzak. He must decide whether to face a hostile force which will surely do nasty things to him, or to take his own life.
He pauses only briefly, then reaches inside a glove compartment-like stroage area and produces a GUN.
76. EXT. SPACECRAFT
More people are striking the ship. Joel calls Ahab over to one spot.
I think the door is here. We might be able to open it!
We intercut between Commander Karlzak inside and the lynch mob outside:
A.) More people come to the door of the spacecraft.
B.) Commander Karlzak regards the gun.
C.) Sticks are wedged into the sides of the door.
D.) Commander Karlzak raises the gun.
E.) Force is exerted and the door begins to yield.
F.) Commander Karlzak, about to fire, says in his native tongue:
Flip-vemmin, igo blurti estek!
Translation Subtitle: "I came, and was conquered by what I saw."
View from inside the ship as the door is pried open. Just as the people rush in, Karlzak FIRES.
The Amish and the reformed nudists are splattered with Karlzak?green, gooey blood. It has a strange effect on the zombie gas, and returns the Amish to relative normality.
AHAB (dripping goo)
Ah. I feel much better.
Me too. It?mazing how murdering a creature from another planet can brighten one?ay.
Joel breathes a sigh of relief and LEANS on the CONTROL PANEL.
A WARNING ALARM SOUNDS AS THE HATCH CLOSES.
Launch sequence activated.
What in the name of God have you done?!
I...it was an accident!
Ignition in five, four, three, two, one.
Karlzak has done sufficient repairs for the crippled ship to launch. To where, however, we do not know.
77. EXT. SPACECRAFT - DAWN
We see the rumbling take-off of the alien craft. It lifts away slowly at first, then gains tremendous speed and whizzes out of sight.
78. INT. SPACECRAFT
Everyone is pretty scared. They have no way to stop what is happening.
Maybe we didn't defeat Satan after all.
I need some Dramamine!
79. EXT. EARTH'S MESOSPHERE
SPFX as we follow the ship?peedy departure. It's propulsion system sounds faintly like a Jetsons craft.
80. INT. SPACECRAFT
A small amount of time has passed now and the people watch through a lone porthole as the craft traverses deep space. The stars are lonely pinpoints which move past like distant trees along a highway.
I wonder if there's life out there.
What a stupid question! How do you think we got in this predicament?
81. INT. SHIP'S CABIN
Ahab is away from the others, exploring. He locates a TRUNK and opens it. Many strange items are inside.
Hey! I think there's food here!
We hear the others approach as Ahab continues to rummage.
What have you found?
It seems to be a supply chest. There's printed material in here.
Ahab unfolds an alien nudie magazine. A grotesque creature is displayed seductively.
Anatomical maps, perhaps.
INGRID (looks at it)
My God. She has a teat on her forehead.
Ahab pulls out more WEIRD ITEMS, which the people inspect.
These are the devices of filthy sinners from another world!
Maybe there's weapons in here. We might need weapons if we land on a hostile planet.
Have you forgotten your Amish ways? To purposefully injure or kill another is forbidden!
Then we'll have to injure and kill them by accident.
From OS, Ingrid calls:
Ahab, everyone, come quick! I think we might be landing somewhere!
We follow on hand-held as the others rush through the corridors to the main bridge.
SPFX A HUGE PURPLE PLANET grows closer.
Into the belly of the beast!
I hope not. Maybe it's a lifeless planet. Or a planet filled with robot servants.
Just then a GIANT SCREEN is activated and they see an ALIEN CAPTAIN in a military suit address them.
Ech ibben Ex-Hu, ju ima bak?
Translation subtitle: "Vessel 447 Ex-Hu, have you returned with your cargo?"
It is obvious a response is required.
What should I do?
I don?now! Just type something!
Ahab uses a strange keyboard to send a message. We see the following printed on screen with translation subtitle:
Po jumin ex refuss milani tumo vek.
translation subtitle: We injured ourselves many times and killed your sister.
The alien captain becomes enraged and switches OFF the screen.
Hey, you got him to go away!
Somehow I don't think that's a good thing.
SPFX LASER FIRE at the ship. It comes from a battery of ground-based sources. Luckily, the inhabitants of Rognok 7 have poor designs and poor aim.
Good Lord! It's time to find out if there are any weapons on board!
What happened to the Amish ways?
Dying in outer space isn't part of being Amish. When in Rome...
82. INT. SUPPLY ROOM
The Amish and reformed nudists have gathered here to quickly rummage for ANYTHING that might serve as a weapon.
I found a big ladle with a spike on the end!
Good. Weild it well.
I found some really stretchy substance I can use as a slingshot!
Here, these balls of hardened goo can be used as ammo!
Ingrid, what have you got there?
INGRID (holding a fork-like object with a button)
I don't know. Seems to be a utensil of some sort...(presses button)
SPFX A TRIPLE BURST OF LIGHTNING come from Ingrid?eapon.
Hey guys, I think this room is filled with body armor!
SFX a DECELERATION from the ship.
Good. Because I think we?landing.
83. EXT. PLANET ROGNOK 7 - NIGHT
An ALIEN MILITIA FORCE has quickly assembled to greet the spacecraft. We see a great number of soldiers and machines surrounding a landing strip.
A HOVERCRAFT speeds to the forefront and the Alien Captain whom Ahab earlier insulted emerges. He stands on the front line, ready to satisfy his honor by dispatching the Amish. A SERGEANT follows at his side.
Tu Vemmo, ela burbo penya hublek?
translation subtitle: "Sergeant Vemmo, you?sure this is a hijack?"
Muli iso. Jiss mezzo fluja mibis al ruta zon.
translation subtitle: "Oh yes. We do not detect any of the original crew aboard."
We see the large ship LAND with a semi-graceful PLOP. It knocks over several metal trash cans as it parks.
translation subtitle: "So be it."
The captain readies his weapon and the militia follow queue.
84. INT. SHIP
A "Strike Force"-like music begins as we slowly pan across rows of armored Amish with determined looks. Jacob Jimminy, like a coach, gives them a pre-game prep speech.
Who are they to land on our planet and spread that deadly gas? They are infidels! And we are the right arm of God!
Everyone gives Jacob a resounding YEAH!
CU on the doors of the ship. They begin to OPEN.
85. EXT. LANDING STRIP
We see the aliens' POV as the wild Amish and reformed nudists stream out of the ship and launch every kind of hastily-made projectile they have. It does little more than confuse the soldiers.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
A.) An alien soldier gets hit with a wad of goo.
B.) Joel launches a slingshot pellet which clinks off a metal helmet.
C.) Jonathan Poober gives an alien soldier a Three Stooges two-finger eye poke.
D.) Janis stands at the top of the ramp and moons them.
E oppo mara di hess?
translation subtitle: "What are they doing?"
Jo calla he tuno pyrie coo.
translation subtitle: "Perhaps it is a greeting ritual."
BACK TO SCENE
As the patience of the aliens grows thin, so does the ammo of the Amish and the reformed nudists. Jacob Jimminy, realizing their energy is almost spent, rises to deliver wrathful indignation.
You filthy alien sinners! You had no business infecting our planet with your fowl scum! True, you did double the size of my flock, but the wrath of the Lord will not spare you! I cast a curse upon you! May your infants be born blind and crawl up into their own fundaments! May the teats of your women shrivel to prunes! (jumping) May your livestock pull a George Orwell and eat you in the middle of the night!
The aliens are nonplussed.
translation subtitle: "Fire!"
Just as the aliens are about to obliterate them, Ingrid withdraws the fork of lightning she found in the ship.
Up your ass, E.T.
ALIEN CAPTAIN (CU)
Ru fwak! Gu halla Nemo Tred!
translation subtitle: "Oh shit! She has the Fork of Lightning!"
SPFX a multiple burst of lightning swamp the aliens.
Ingrid fires several times until there is no resistance.
86. INT. ALIEN CASTLE - DAY
Ahab, Ingrid, Joel, Janis, and the others are reclining amidst a stack of pillows and a row of servants. They have adopted the local garb. Dressed in fashionable fineries, they seem quite comfortable now, despite being light years away from Earth.
Funny how things worked out.
It is proof that our God is greater than theirs. Amen!
I really don't think it has anything to do with God.
Just remember who's holding the Fork of Lightning, preacher.
That weapon is a gift from God! And your only path to salvation is to admit it!
Jacob, do you really think God gives weapons of mass destruction as gifts?
You too, Ahab? I am like Caesar before the murderous senate!
Speaking of government, don't you think we should have pressed them for some ruling power instead of accepting these token posts as ambassadors of Earth?
Work has never appealed to me. Besides, a political position would make us more vulnerable to people who don't agree with our cause. It's safer here. What harm can come to us?
87. INT. CASTLE HALLWAY
The Alien Commander leads a crack squad of heavily-armed troops toward the offices of the "ambassadors". We can tell at first glance that they mean business.
Flo hoobo mazza alta epuck ganwey otto glelum.
translation subtitle: "It?ime to send these uninvited weirdoes back to where they came from."
We follow them on hand-held camera as they BURST into the room and surround our group from Earth. No language is needed as everyone is caught off-guard and raises their arms in surrender.
88. EXT. LAUNCH PAD - DAY
The engines of the ship are firing and the vessel lifts off the ground as the Alien Captain, his men, and various natives and relieved officials watch.
Ek osso, tubo flylek!
translation subtitle: "Good riddance, ass monkeys!"
A great CHEER erupts and many people congratulate the Captain for his quick wits and daring.
END MUSIC BEGINS
89. EXT. OUTER ATMOSPHERE
SPFX as we follow the ship break past the atmosphere of Rognok 7 and head out into space.
So we're finally going back to Earth.
JACOB JIMMINY (VO)
Perhaps it is better this way.
I have no complaints. Earth is fine with me.
90. INT. MISSION CONTROL - ROGNOK 7
Nerdy-looking alien technicians are arguing over charts and courses. The camera sweeps over the papers they are disputing and it becomes clear they are unsure they correctly sent the ship on a course to Earth.
Finally the Captain appears and reviews their charts for a moment.
Tu aliosso! Tu mila etcho flug jee barro mar. Uva matte hoopa mi tay.
translation subtitle: "You idiots! You sent them to a solar system which has only five planets. Their home world has nine."
A nerdy technician stupidly looks at the charts.
translation subtitle: "Oops."
91. EXT. APPROACHING STRANGE YELLOW PLANET
We see a shot of the ship getting closer and closer to an unknown world.
92. INT. SHIP
No one is quite sure what is going on. They watch the strange planet near through a screen.
Earth sure has changed alot since we left.
I bet it was overrun by filthy sinners who triggered the damn apocalypse!
Maybe it's not Earth.
Theme music begins as we see a wide SPFX shot of the odd little ship approach the big yellow planet.
(C.)1999 by Francis DiPietro
all rights reserved