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Evan P Barnes

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Member Since: Jul, 2006

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Untitled
By Evan P Barnes
Thursday, July 13, 2006

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Not complete yet. Please add suggestions to the story can start to form! Suggestions and reviews would be greatly appreciated. :D

The boy watched the snowflakes as they slowly drifted down to earth. Charlie was a 13 year old boy who lived in the busy city of London. His dark hair was short, his bangs hanging to his eyebrows. He had a rosy tone to his cheeks and he was about 5 feet.
Charlie was a very intelligent boy and used to be at the top of his class until his school shut down due to financial debts. He had recently enrolled at a private school called "Honeywell Academy",
Honeywell Academy was a boarding school with very strict rules and a difficult corriculum. The academy had 3 big buildings. The first were the sleeping quarters.


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Reviewed by Susan Sonnen 7/15/2006
Evan,

This is a wonderful beginning to a story! I agree with Elizabeth about working on not being too abrupt in sentence structure...perhaps "and he was about 5 feet, with the confidence of a giant"...okay, that's kind of silly, but I hope you see what I mean!
Again, Evan, this is a splendid story introduction and I look forward to reading it upon completion!

Susan
Reviewed by Elaine Carey 7/14/2006
This is a great and very vivid start! Don't forget to dream up some good conflict for your character.
Reviewed by Barbara Sue 7/13/2006
Seems like you have a good start on your story. Description is an important part of any story-that is what you will probably do on your next writing--what thoughts are running thru his mind as he arrives at his new school--his room, the other kids, you will be writing the best part next-so enjoy it and make the boy came to live for you...

Barbara Sue 7-14-06
Reviewed by Elizabeth Taylor 7/13/2006
The next step would be to describe the buildings and what they would be used for. Remember too, don't be too abrupt in your sentence structure.
For instance your first paragraph...he was about five-feet tall.

In writing, you will always be rewriting and revising and working at your craft. And as you change and grow, so will your writing change and grow. Good luck, and thank you for your emails.

Elizabeth


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