AuthorsDen.com   Join Free! | Login    
USA Independence Day
   Popular! Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry
Where Authors and Readers come together!

SIGNED BOOKS    AUTHORS    eBOOKS new!     BOOKS    STORIES    ARTICLES    POETRY    BLOGS    NEWS    EVENTS    VIDEOS    GOLD    SUCCESS    TESTIMONIALS

Featured Authors:  Sage Sweetwater, iSara Russell, iAudrey Coatesworth, iErnest Paquin, iDebby Rosenberg, iJohn MacEachern, iFrances Seymour, i

  Home > Humor > Stories
Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     

Kimmy Van Kooten

· + Follow Me
· Contact Me
· Sponsor Me!
· Poetry
· News
· Stories
· Blog
· 287 Titles
· 4,031 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
·
Member Since: Aug, 2006

Kimmy Van Kooten, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.




Featured Book
Showdown Over Neptune
by Karl Morgan

Showdown begins the Dave Brewster Series. Follow Dave as he travels into the future and restarts mankind's reach into the stars...  
BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members


A Little Jimmy in the Corner, Eatiní Cheese
By Kimmy Van Kooten
Saturday, September 29, 2007

Rated "PG13" by the Author.

Share    Print  Save   Follow

Recent stories by Kimmy Van Kooten
· Little Jimmy Converses With the Mother
· WoodLane Farm
· Where Will You Spend Thanksgiving Now?
· Thanksgiving Day, ďVanKooten StyleĒ
           >> View all 5


The Cave Creek Poetry Recital might be cancelled. . .

. . .Edvard the Elder was reading a bedtime story to Brother Jersey Devil Ed . . .

Once upon a time, as many as a thousand years ago, Cave Creek Elders gathered, as we do today, but they were smoking Fuente Fuente Opus X cigars, playing cards and expressing themselves freely at the expense of polite conversation.

"A moment in Stone Age history!", they announced proudly in unison,"It is now a new cave rule that if women enter, they can't complain about our behavior"
and they continued, ". . . if they want to come to our Creek Cave Poetry Recitals. . . from now on, they must attend hairless, bald, and downright smooth!"

Well, aware not, A Jim,
(Do you know what that is brother Jersey Devil Ed?
"What?" Pay attention, Brother, thatís half your problem! (Edvard the Elder hit him with his club)
"No, No! I donít know what it is" (
. . . rubbing his head)
Well, A "Jim"is a "woman" and a woman will define herself to you one day, usually over a glass of wine and some smelly cheese. Thatís it! . . . thatís all you need to know . . . nothing scary about it now, but, . . . gradually, Brother,   you'll become very frightened and it wonít be a bedtime story, no. . . youíll never want to wake up. . . just ask,  Pee Wee!
Any who, where was I?)


Well, aware not . . . A Jim, with a bottle of Eau de Cavern and her accomplice, Jim, who had a mouthful of Provolone, so happen to overhear the cavemen elders ugging all this stuff.
They got really huffed and gathered many more poetic cave women and such . . .

Jimmy the Conga cave Women came into the picture, saying, "Every caveman needs his cave, egh? Iíll give um' a cave!"
She was sipping on some Ch
teau d'Yquem 88 and munching on some Pecorino Toscano to cry for!
(. . .and "The Beat Went On")

"This is a ploy!", Jimmy the Conga cave Women exclaimed. . .
"These recitals and all, . . . feeding us on all these rich fat cheeses and expensive wines, toying with us, poetesses. . .  wanting
us
to shave baldly and tell us how to act . . . she continued ranting . . . saying,
. . . "Iím mean, in one breath a, Mr. Pee Wee Ed said, that he liked hairy women, but in the next breath,  he was handing out assorted razors for door prizes and acting like it really wasnít his idea. I donít trust him!",
(she pointed right in his face! )

"AND . . . Jersey Devil Brother Ed, Brother Jersey Devil Ed. . . . "

(that was your great-great-great grandfather, by the way. . . )

". . . With a name like that he doesnít need to know what a "woman" is . . . he has way too many aliases, and too flat a head for any of us to ever even want his ass!
"Hi, my name is Jimmy! Do you like congas?" she added.
(. . .and all the cave women rolled on the cave floor, laughing their hairy butts off . . . )

Then this door prize hander-outer guy, a Walt Hardester, presented their pretty Bella Rouge, the little Cavetress Supreme, a razor . . . right?
(You know whatís going to happen donít you, Brother Devil Jersey Ed?. . . (no reply. . .)

Bella Rouge refused to accept the razor!
She was shouting . . . "If we all end up bald, theyíll succeed at making us walk to them and meet them at their stones!
Or even worse, they could drag us by our legs!"
Jimmy asks, "So, why DO cavemen drag us cave women by the hair instead of by our
legs?"

"So we wonít fill up with dirt! , Ladies! Hello?"

"Iíve been dragged by my hair all these years, and Iíll be damned if any modernized tactic of "civilization" puts one over on me!"

Jimmy the Conga cave Women got Jim going, and another Jim going, and she couldn't help it,  but,  she began to play her congas in the back ground . . .


dum dum men are dum dums
dum dum men are dum dums. . .

She shouted out! . . . "Weíre up for being more civilized and all, donít get us wrong . . .
Oh! Thatís another thing, smelly men, like that, Georg the Neanderthal Elder guy, eating these same smelly cheeses, ( . . . She throws her Gouda down),
drinking this overly expensive wine . . . (she opens a bottle of Mad Dog instead),
wanting to mingle with bald women . . .
Ya know . . ."

Then Jim jumps in. . . . "I heard they were really directing a David Provost Cave Builders commercial, and that this "recital" really isn't a real recital, afterall. . .
They're just trying to get copyright privileges from all our poetic carvings, and a place to store all their stupid wine, and have an excuse for these stupid wine and cheese parties. . . they so feel,  they need,  
and, and. . . and,  at the sametime, they're luring us, . . . to disrespect us, us hairy cave women, 
getting us to eat their smelly cheeses, in order to cover up their bloody stenches!"

"But, that Neanderthal! . . ." ,Jimmy adds,
" . . . oooh!  heís possibly the most carnivorous form of human ever to have lived, Ladies. . . heís not really eating the cheese!"

(Edvard the Elder, was our great-great-great grandfather,  and he initiated this quest to contain a tribe of only hairless cave women in our family, but, he never succeeded. . . and neither did his son, nor his sons,  son and so on . . . itís our turn now, Brother Jersey Devil Ed, itís my turn . . .)

Brother Devil Jersey Ed had fallen asleep after he heard the word, "cheese"

He fell into a deep, deep, sleep, dreaming about half-naked Barbie Dolls . . . dancing to ZZ Top at some Larry Grunewald, grape stomping Harvest Festival . . .

all the while. . .Little Jimmy, the Conga cave Women,  was in the corner, eatiní cheese. . . 



                                      
Copyright 2007
Kimmy Van Kooten

   
                                               











                                                     yum yum,dum dums


                                                                  :)
  
                 
 
 
 


Want to review or comment on this short story?
Click here to login!


Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!


Reviewed by Jeroen Van Kooten 6/29/2008
hi,

sorry I had to post my email adress oon this story. But I can't post twice on your thanksgiving story.

haha funny about that T shirts :). My family in Canada can't pronounce my name either so haha its hard for an english speaker I understand. I actually had problems speaking dutch when I returned from Canada so...

This is my email address jeroenvankooten@gmail.com. There is also a dutch website with a familytree which I could email you. It goes all the way back till the year 1700 with the first van kooten which is Aert Jansz. van Coothen.

groeten,(dutch for greets)
Jeroen van Kooten
Reviewed by Cody SEA 12/17/2007
haha what a dazzling imagination you have! very funny, and great womanly
power :) I enjoyed reading this story.
Reviewed by Mary Coe 11/26/2007
Hillarious! LOL! A fantastic story.
Reviewed by Poetess of The Soul Sheila G 10/26/2007
YOu bowl me over (laughing) with your cheesy etc. poem Kimmy!
Love your humor, you tell em' and good luck succeeding, their fiesty hee man!
Warmly, Warrior Lady Sheeeoox
Reviewed by Mr. Ed 9/30/2007
"Iím mean, in one breath a, Mr. Pee Wee Ed said, that he liked hairy women, but in the next breath, he was handing out assorted razors for door prizes and acting like it really wasnít his idea. I donít trust him!"

Alas, few people do! But he's really a very nice cave man, no matter what Jersey and Edvard say!

And I love your epic tale. Are you related to the Ed Family??!!
Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 9/30/2007
Laughing my hair ass off here.......this too bloody good..MORE PLEASE!!

GO get Them Dum-dum-men Jimmy!!

Love Tinka
Reviewed by Georg Mateos 9/30/2007
Are you crazy, woman? no way you exorcize smelly demons with Eau de Cavern no matter how you try, and for you information the idea of hirless ones came after getting too many of the curly ones between the teeth.
Throw the cheese and lets conga-conga!
Georg
Reviewed by Walt Hardester 9/29/2007
Absolutely hillarious Kimmy...Uh, Jimmy.
You may enter and bring them conga's with ya...me and Fee will be playin "sweet home alabama"....What a cheesy story...Love it!!

Walt
Reviewed by La Belle Rouge Poetess Of The Heart 9/29/2007
LOL no one will top this one Kimmy! What a hoot. Great story.
Reviewed by Felix Perry 9/29/2007
Ahhh but keep in mind all you lovely Jimmies, just two floors up in the pentcave advanced cro magnon man Fee welcomes one Jimmy and and all to come up and share my hot tub and sauna...and I have no hair prejudices looking forward to leisruely discussions over wine and brie...

Fee
Reviewed by Kathy Armijo 9/29/2007
Oh, Kimmy - um, I mean Jimmy, this is absolutely wonderfully cheezy.

Jimmy's of the world - UNITE!

Kathy
Reviewed by Joyce Bowling 9/29/2007
What a story, my friend...and the cheese stands alone! You tell it well! Enjoyed!
Blessings,
Joyce B.
Reviewed by Jeanette Cooper 9/29/2007
...and the beat goes on with the cheese eaters in the cave. Great humor.
Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado 9/29/2007
Kimmy, you tell a good story! Very well done; brava!

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :D
Reviewed by Ann Scarborough 9/29/2007
ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!!!! Kimmy, you have got them pegged!! Good going!!
Love,
annie

Popular Humor Stories
1. Better Late Than Never. ...
2. A Reluctant Father Christmas
3. Father Rob
4. Shoes
5. Duped Net: The Interrogation
6. The Seer
7. Nude-Night-Naughty 6
8. The DMV Funnies
9. A Man and His Dog
10. Duped-Net: Undercover Blues

The Dead Winter Mountain Murders - Part Zero: The Runaway by Mark Sutton

Do serial killers wear loud, hand-knitted jumpers with pictures of fluffy kittens sewn into them? Are they sometimes obsessed with trains? And buses? Is it normal for a serial kill..  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

The Dead Winter Mountain Murders by Mark Sutton

They say that Stephen Hartley is one of the United Kingdom's worst serial killers... perhaps... but he's definitely the most nerdy...  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Authors alphabetically: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Featured Authors | New to AuthorsDen? | Add AuthorsDen to your Site
Share AD with your friends | Need Help? | About us


Problem with this page?   Report it to AuthorsDen
© AuthorsDen, Inc. All rights reserved.