By

E. Fierro

“When you left, my world ended.”

He sat on the park bench and looked back at the car parked under the shade of an elm tree. It was early afternoon on a cool day and the windows were open a bit. Kids playing ball, skateboarding, and riding bicycles were close by along with adults strolling alone or as couples. Others were sitting on the grass talking quietly or just watching the world go by. The lawn was freshly cut and green, the landscapers had just left. He had seen the City Maintenance truck pass him by a few minutes before, the rich sounds of Mexican music sounding from the cab of the truck, windows open with three men inside looking tired after a long day of physical labor.

Inside the car, his children looked out the window and waited for him. The oldest, Sara, was very helpful with the twins, and, they minded her most of the time. Luckily, today was one of those times. He knew they were a hungry and anxious to eat, but he had told them that they would not be there for very long; he just had to see an old friend for a few minutes.

“I came home from work expecting to find my wife and kids waiting for me, the same as they had for five years. I remember the night you left, it was Friday night: Pizza-and-bookstore night. The kids loved pizza-and-bookstore night; so did I. And I thought you did, too. I guess I was wrong.” He couldn’t bring himself to look at her, but the perfume she wore assailed his nostrils and he liked it.

“You know what I found instead? An empty house and a note on the pillow in our bedroom. Do you remember what the note said?” He hoped for an answer, but the blank look told him all he needed to know. “I’ll tell you what it said. ‘They’re at Evangeline’s house.’ Period, that’s all. Nothing else.

“No ‘Good-bye’. Or a ‘See you later’. Not even a ‘Go To Hell!’”

“ ‘They’re at Evangeline’s house.’ Evangeline! Of all the people to trust our kids with, you had to send them to the biggest drunk on the street! Not to mention that she’s a whore! Who knows what diseases are in her house!

“So I go to Evangeline’s and I find out that my kid’s have been there all frigging day, since 9:30 in the morning.

“9:30! Even now, after all this time, the thought of them at Evangeline’s house all day sickens me!

“I mean, I leave for work at 7, get home at 6 at night, and they’ve been there since 9-damn-30. They’re filthy, hungry and stink to high heaven. Sara is still in her P. J.’s and her hair isn’t combed. The twins, Gabby and Ray, are wearing the same filthy diapers that are full of so much crap it’s indescribable. I’m surprised I didn’t find worms inside them! It turns my stomach to this very day just thinking about how they looked and who might have gotten his disgusting hands on them. I only hope they weren’t violated by some pervert.”

“You don’t know if anybody…” She started to counter.

“And you don’t know they didn’t! She’s got all these guys in and out of her house all day long. Anybody could have done whatever they wanted to do to them. Do you really think that one of her john’s is going to tell himself ‘Oh, I’d better not, these are just babies.’? Let me tell you, they won’t! Their gonna see three kids that ain’t nothing to them and they’ll do whatever they want for as long as they want. Evangeline ain’t gonna stop ‘em. All they’ve gotta do is give her some booze or drugs and she’s all right with anything.”

“I guess I never thought of that,.” She said, trying to look confident about her long-ago decision.

“No, I guess you didn’t,” he countered angrily.

He got up from the park bench and walked into the sun for a few minutes, just long enough to clear his head. After a few minutes, he turned and looked at the woman he used to love. She was sure he still cared for her, but the love was gone.

She sat on the edge of the bench and felt uncomfortable in the business attire and matching pearl jewelry set. Suddenly, they seemed too much of a display.

“You wanna know what hurt the most?” He waited for her to respond but knew that she wouldn’t. “When they started with ‘Where’s our mommy?’. I had no answer for that, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them that you had just up and left us, that you loved them so little you just abandoned us, that you acted no better than a traitor.

“So you know what I did? I made up a sad story; a tragedy. I told them that you had died – don’t look at me like your horrified, what did you think I would say? I even took them to a grave I had made for you. It has a headstone and everything. But they’ll never know that it’s empty of the one person they care for more the most. Do you have any idea what I feel like when I take them there to visit – at their insistence – and they cry for you? All three of them cry for you. Ray has a picture of you in his room, right next to his bed, and he kisses it and tells it goodnight every night. It makes me jealous to see them love you more than you deserve.

“But I’ll tell you one thing. That grave isn’t completely empty. When I dug the grave, I filled it with every single lie and despair your love left me with. Yeah, it’s empty but they’ll never know. They’ll go on thinking you’re in there.

“And now, you want to come back into our lives. What do you suggest I tell them? Do I tell them that their mother isn’t really dead? That she was just gone for a while and now she’s miraculously reappeared? Is that what I tell them? How can I tell them that they can bring back to life the mother who died so many years ago?”

“You shouldn’t have lied to them.”

“I shouldn’t have lied to them? Are you serious? What about your lie to them? How about your lie to me?”

“I’m sorry. It’s just that I can care for them now.”

“What? Care for them! Are you completely crazy?

“You were always able to do that. I had…I have…a good job that provided for your every need. Anything your heart desired was yours. There’s nothing I couldn’t have gotten for you. Nothing.”

“But I wanted my own job, a career, an identity.”

“Fine. You didn’t have to leave the way you did. And you sure as heck didn’t have to hide all these years. Why didn’t you just say so back then?”

“I’m not sure. It seemed like the right thing to do.”

“The right thing to do? You had everything you could ever want, right here. A husband who loved you, three beautiful children…wasn’t that right? Did you just fall out of love with me, is that it?”

“Yes…no…I don’t know. I was confused and not sure of myself.”

“Confused about what? There was nothing to be confused about. Who was is that filled your head with all that confusion? Was it your cousin, the crazy one, the one who doesn’t come around anymore? What was her name? Margaret? Remember what she used to say?”

“No.”

“ ‘I sure love those kids!’ That’s what she said everytime she came over. But once you left, not once did she call to see how they were doing or if they needed anything. Mind you, they didn’t need nothing, not from her or anyone else. But if she loved them so damn much, you’d think she would’ve called once or twice.”

“No, she didn’t fill my head with anything. Nobody did.”

“Them why the confusion? Make me understand.”

“I was just…I couldn’t…Look, I wanted my own identity.”

“So being Mrs. Martin Calderon wasn’t an identity for you?”

“No. I mean, yes. Yes, it was an identity, but it wasn’t mine.”

“Well, if it wasn’t yours, then whose was it? I don’t remember being married to anybody else that was known as Mrs. Martin Calderon.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Not that simple? How hard is it?”

“It isn’t hard, it’s just that…”

“What? What is it?”

“No. I did not fall out of love with you. You were suffocating me. I couldn’t do anything for myself. I had to find my own way.”

“I don’t understand. You had a house, your own car, credit cards, money…what else could you have wanted? There wasn’t nothing you couldn’t do for yourself? All you had to do was point and it was yours.”

“And that was the problem. I didn’t want to have to point. I just wanted to do, or not do.”

“You had that freedom. I never made you do anything you didn’t want to do. Admit it…you fell out of love with me. It’s okay for you to admit that.”

“That isn’t it.”

“Unbelievable that you can’t admit something so easy. You can get up and abandon us like that, but you can’t admit the obvious. Look, we’ll just go round and round and and you’ll never admit it.

“But as far as the kids go…No. No. For you to return from the dead would be upsetting and confusing for them. No. I, I can’t allow it.”

The pain and anger was too much for both of then. She knew he was right in everything he said. She never should have left: there was no reason for it in the first place. But her selfishness  never let her consider that she would lose the kids, her husband, and most importantly, her dignity.

She had had everything a woman could ever want. He had been, and was, a good man who had treated her well. He showed her love and respect the entire time they were a couple. He worked to support his family and came to home them every night to care for them. He was not a proponent of boy’s night or girl’s night out. As far as he was concerned, he had done enough carousing and partying before he married. Once he married and became a father, his place was at home with his wife and children. That was one reason he had appealed to her when they dated; she convinced herself that she felt the same.

He was also an excellent father whose main concern was the health and welfare of the children. They attended a good school, enjoyed the love and support of their parents, felt protected at all times (in his house, there were no monsters in the closet or under the bed because he did not allow them in their house) – in short, they had everything they needed or wanted. They were well-behaved and respectful kids because his cousin, Alma, told her so. She and Alma talked every now and then, but Alma had  sworn to never tell Martin of their conversations. And she hadn’t, until Barbara, his ex-wife, asked her to arrange a meeting. The news was a complete surprise to him and he didn’t make arrangements for a couple of weeks.

Looking back, Barbara realized that her life with him had been complete and fulfilling. Yet, she couldn’t wait till he left for work and gave her 8 hours away from his idiosyncracies. All he ever wanted to do was stay at home and do family things. He didn’t like to go to parties or dances or night clubs, and he definitely didn’t like to do crazy things – everything had to be structured and logical. And though there was nothing wrong with that, it wasn’t right for her. So she left, swearing to do things her way so that she wouldn’t want to have to answer to anybody for anything. And for five years now, she hadn’t. But it wasn’t until now, this moment, sitting here at this park bench and having this conversation with her ex that she realized how wrong she had been. She could have stayed, enjoyed their kids, and been happy. But because she wanted to do what she wanted to do, with no thoughts for anyone else, her life would be lonely and empty.

She saw that if she really loved her children, she would sacrifice and let them continue to live believing that she died.

‘They can visit my grave and cry for me,’ she thought to herself. ‘I will never see them or know of them, but I do know one thing: They love me. I know that now. Though I don’t have them, I have their love. And that love will sustain me.’

“You’re right, Martin. I never should have left. But I did and I accept my punishment.”

Taking a deep breath, she brushed hair away from her face and stood up. He looked handsome in his jeans and Polo shirt. The moustache was new, but it fit him.

“I’m so sorry for everything. Please forgive me.” He was too angry to do that now, but she knew that he would because he had a good heart and was a fair man. “I’ll admit to not seeing the kids. I can do that. But I’d like to be able to send them something from time to time.”

Reaching into her purse, she handed him her business card.

“Please, call me now and then so that I can ask about them and find out how they’re doing. Is that okay?”

Hesitantly, he took the card and dropped into his shirt pocket without looking at it. They looked at each other again and she saw that he still cared for her, as she did for him. But there were no more words that could be spoken. Everything had been said and nothing could be done to fix the pain she had caused.

Offering her hand to him, he took it. She remembered the strength and warmth that had always been there for her and she felt it again. Her body screamed to feel his arms around her once more but knew that it would never happen.

He turned away slowly and walked back to the car where three heads poked out the windows. They were too far away to be seen able to see them – or for them to see her – properly, but she could tell the twins from their older sister. She waved and they waved back. Then she took a crumpled tissue from her coat pocket and wiped her eyes.

“Who was that lady, Daddy?” asked Sara.

Martin looked at her sadly and placed his arm around her 13-year-old shoulders.

“Oh, sweetie, she’s someone I used to know a long time ago and she came to visit but she couldn’t stay long.”

“Why did you meet in the park and not at home?,” asked Sara. “She looks like Mommy.”

“Well, that’s because she’s on her way to the airport. I guess we felt that if she went to the house she’d be late for her flight.” He ignored the rest of her statement.

“Oh. Dad, she looked pretty.”

“Yes, honey, she is very pretty.”

“Was she your girl friend?”

“No. No, honey, she wasn’t.”

“Daddy?” asked Ray, “Is that Mommy?”

He looked at his son and swallowed hard, trying not to break down. Ignoring it the first time was hard enough. This time, though…“No, son, it isn’t. She’s just an old friend who was very special to me a very, very long time ago.

“Hey,” he asked, “who wants pizza?”

The End