AuthorsDen.com   Join | Login  

     Popular! Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry
Where Authors and Readers come together!

SIGNED BOOKS    AUTHORS    eBOOKS new!     BOOKS    STORIES    ARTICLES    POETRY    BLOGS    NEWS    EVENTS    VIDEOS    GOLD    SUCCESS    TESTIMONIALS

Featured Authors:  Craig Hartpence, iDanae Wilkin, iStan Law (aka Stanislaw Kapuscinski), iLiana Margiva, iLawrance Lux, iBill Johnson, iGeorge Carroll, i

  Home > Humor > Stories
Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     

Marcus Dino

· Become a Fan
· Contact me
· Books
· Poetry
· News
· Stories
· Blog
· Messages
· 70 Titles
· 43 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
·
Member Since: Sep, 2006

   newsletter

Subscribe to the Marcus Dino Newsletter. Enter your name and email below and click "sign me up!"
Name:
Email:
Marcus Dino, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.



Featured Book
Journey through the Power of the Rainbow: Quotations from a
by Aberjhani

Journey through the Power of the Rainbow: Quotations from a Life Made Out of Poetry demonstrates the ability of social media such as Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and Google..  
BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members


Featured Book
PADDLE TAIL
by Hank LeGrand

Paddle Tail is the first story, in the exciting series of stories, about the adorable little beaver born without a tail, but Paddle Tail--the main character--learns, and ..  
BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members





Share    Print  Save   Become a Fan


A visit to FIFILAND
By Marcus Dino
Saturday, October 04, 2008

Rated "PG" by the Author.

Share this with your friends on FaceBook

A land far far far away in another galaxy where everything is perfect

 I get up in the morning and notice how quiet it is outside, only birds chirping, no noisy cars, no noisy kids, no noisy cats, no noisy people.......I change my clothes, head to the bathroom, head to the kitchen and make myself a toast and coffee.  When I open my refrigerator to get the bread I just notice it's packed with food, AND GOOD FOOD AT THAT.  I assumed my roommate Marissa bought all this fancy food because I sure as heck couldn't afford food like that.  What made me a bit upset is that I woud have to pay for half of this food since Marissa does most of the shipping.  Marissa being a paralegal can afford to buy a little fancy food BUT I BEING A STRUGGLING WAITRESS/ACTRESS CERTAINLY CANNOT.  The nerve of that girl spending all that kind of money on fancy food and not talking to me about it.

ANYWAYS I knock on Marissa's door and get no answer, she's probably at work.  I'll have a thing or two to say to her when she gets back in the evening.   I put the boobtube on for a few minutes to get the feeling of being so upset out of my brain and notice that there's nothing but good quality entertainment, you know good movies and TV show like they used to show 40 or 50 years ago and real good quality educational shows.  No dumb reality show where a bunch of bubble headed bleach blondes are talking about what party they want to go to tonite, no people who don't have any singing talent whatoever making another silly video, no politician blowing hot air out of his mouth talking to a talk show host with a peanut sized brain and who has way too much makeup on her face, movies and TV shows that actually have a story.  I shake my head, Must be one of those fluke days in which the programmers actually did their job, I think to myself.   I finish my breakfast, leave my apartment and head towards my truck, anticipating another lovely enjoyable day working as  a coffee shop waitress, people snapping at me for quick service, wolves and other creatures leering at me, my lovely boss Petros constantly barking orders at me..............

As I'm heading towards my truck in my carport I notice all my neighbors smiling and greeting me, the handyman who works at my apartment smiling and greeting me, my landlord smiling and greeting me, these people never gave me the time of day and of course I never gave them the time of day.  THIS CAN'T BE LA.  PEOPLE AREN'T FRIENDLY TOWARDS THEIR NEIGHBORS IN LA.  DID I MOVE BACK TO IOWA?

Now the real strange and bizzare happens, as I'm approaching my truck a little bee flies by me and smiles and greets me and a pigeon flying overhead smiles and greets me.  Now I know I can't be on Earth or I have to be in one of my silly dreams as animals don't talk and besides on Earth a bee would be buzzing in my ear and maybe trying to sting me and a pigeon would be dropping......you know his or her 'stuff' on me.

When I get to my truck........I'M SHOCKED TO SEE IT'S NOT THERE.  OMIGOSH THESE DARNED HOODS AND CROOKS OUT HERE IN VAN NUYS........As I'm feeling so upset and my mind is so clouded and I'm deciding whom I should contact first, the police or my insurance company, I feel a tap on my shoulder.  A tall distinguished looking middle aged fella with a goatee says "Ms Larouche the limo is waiting for you outside by the curb, your truck has been taken away because it is no longer needed."

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY TRUCK?" I scream.

The gentleman smiles.  "Please Ms Larouche, the limo is waiting for you."

I grudgingly go to the street and notice a big beautiful blue limonsine waiting for me at the curbside.  As I get into the limo I squint and look at the sun.   I notice it's  greenish looking not yellowish looking like Sol.

The driver greets me with a smile and a lovely English accent, "Good morning Ms Larouche."

I look at the distinguished looking fella sitting next to me.  "So are you people like in the Mafia or something?  You know with your fancy limos and your kind of taking me to some dank dark office where I'll meet your boss and your gonna negotiate with me to get my truck back.  Well I'll tell you people now I know Tae Kwon Doe and you're not gonna get any information out of me, whatever that information is.  Maybe you want to know something about Marissa because she works at the county courthouse or her boyfriend is a hotshot public defender?   Anyways I'll scratch and bite and put up a fight before I give in to you."

The distinguished looking fella laughs.  "We are not the Mafia young lady.  Don't thing such unpleasent thoughts.  As a matter of fact as you probably noticed your not even on Earth.  Marissa is not here.  Her boyfriend Alberto is not here.  You're on a planet in the middle of the Andromeda Galaxy which is over TWO AND HALF MILLION LIGHT YEARS FROM EARTH.  Our plant we call Xoba.  Our Sun we called Illiopis.  It has a radiance about equivalent to 2/3 of your star Sol.  That's why it's greenish looking and it gets rather cool at night on our planet.  We also have three beautiful moons that you will see this evening."

I smirk.  "Xoba, Illiopis, SOUNDS A BIT LIKE ILLINOIS.  BEES TALK, BIRDS TALK.  SO YOU XOBIANS TRAIN YOUR BIRDS AND YOUR BEES HOW TO COMMUNICATE.  ALSO HOW AND HEAVENS DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW ENGLISH SO WELL?  HOW DID I TRAVEL SO FAST TO YOUR PLANET?  I MEAN WE'RE OVER 2 MILLION LIGHT YEARS AWAY.  I DON'T BELIEVE, YOU KNOW ,MAMMOTH ELEPHANTS AND THAT APE MAN AUSTRALOPITHECUS HAD RADIO ANTENNAS BACK THEN.  AS A MATTER OF FACT EVEN AUSTRALOPITHECUS WAS NOT AROUND BACK THEN......." I went on and on.

The gentleman smiled and put his hand up.  I stopped blurbing away.  "One thing at a time.  First we are a very very very advanced human race.  We are millions ahead of your race technology wise.  We understand about 'folds' and 'wrinkles' in the universe where light can cut across vast vast distances in an extremely short amount of time.  So even though your planet is such a vast distance away from us, because of these wrinkes we are able to pick up radio and television singles by our sophisticated antennas just a few of your Earth days after they are transmitted.  That is why we know your English language and the way you dress, in addition we have operatives on your planet."

"You mean you have people on my planet who can travel thru these like black holes in little space ships?  How do you survive the crushing gravity?"  I asked inquisitivly

The gentleman laughed.  "I didn't say we went thru 'black holes.' That's quite impossible.  I said we could travel thru time space 'warps 'in the Universe to reach your planet.  I also didn't say nothing about ship.   You see we have a knowledge of changing from matter to light and back plus a knowledge of astral travel which many humans on your planet also have a knowledge of.  In the astral state time and matter mean little and humans can travel great distances thru space and be reassembled into a regular body."

"You mean you have a knowledge of.......?"

The gentleman smiled, "I said we have some knowlege of how life is formed, I didn't say we knew everything, only a powerful being greater than us knows that or as most scientific people on your planet and my planet would say only 'Nature' can do that.  We are still way behind understanding the powers of nature.  When the time comes for our people, we still have a limited knowledge where our 'energy levels' or 'spirits' go..."

I got a little defensive.  "Thank God you people aren't taking over His job.  You people in those Astral Bodies will be seeing Him just like the people on my planet will be seeing Him when the time comes.  I don't think He'd be happy you're trying to you know like' build' people and take over His job.

The gentleman chucked.  "No Fifi we are not trying to take over His job if indeed 'He' even does exist.  Anyways one of our operatives on your planet disguised as a beautician sent  some of your hair samples thru our matter/light  'processors' to our planet and when we received your hair samples we were able to 'clone' your body as we now knew your 'genetic' structure or your 'genome' looked like because we had your DNA."

I looked at myself.  "YOU MEAN THIS IS A SECOND BODY AND MY OTHER BODY IS STILL ON EARTH?"

"Yes, your body on Earth is in a sleep state.  Your astral body was trasported thru one of highly advanced machines by one of our operatives thru those time space wrinkles I mentioned before into the body you know have on our planet.  Believe it or not because one of the time space warps is located near your solar system the time involved only took a matter of a day or two......."

"AND MY REAL BODY ON EARTH?  DO PEOPLE THINK I'M IN A COMA?"

"Remember you went camping by yourself in a  cabin near Big Bear?"  The gentleman anwered quietly.  "You asked Biff and Alocki and several other people if they could come but they said they were busy.  So you went by yourself.  That gave opportunity for one of our operatives to get close to you.  You are just taking a very long two or three day nap and you will be back in your body on Earth in a couple of days.  I just wanted you to spend a day with us on our planet so you can see what we are like.  All the other people you recognize have a genetic structure extremely similar to the people you know on earth, like your landlord."

I just shook my head at the gentleman and chuckled.  "You sneaky son of a gun, taking my body like that to your planet. I thought the people on Earth were sneaky......By the way what happens to my body here when I go back?  Also I never got your name and are you really 'human' looking or are you in disguise.  I mean do you have like 10 heads and mandibles and big eyes......?  Finally how do you get those DARNED BIRDS AND BEES TO TALK?"

The gentleman laughed.  "You ask a lot of questions don't you young lady.  My name is Aptos.  Your body will be put in 'deep freeze' when you leave as it will not age and you have a chance to come back to it again when you visit us.  Yes we are human looking just like you.  No one is in disguise.  The animal, plant life, and evolutiuonary natural processes on my planet is almost identical to your planet.  That's why we are so interested in your Earth.  Again we are light years ahead of you and understand the brain functions of animal life here and we are able to teach them human characteristics including speech and reading.  Even though the brains of say birds and bees are small they are still quite complex and able to make simple speech and do simple tasks involving reasoning.  Remember your fellow Earthlings are able to teach myna birds and parrots how to speak.   We are able to teach many more animals including insects human speech."

I stroked my chin.  "Oh yeah I forgot about those darn myna birds.  POLLY WANT A CRACKER?  POLLY WANT A CRACKER?"  I mockingly told Aptos.

We drove all over a beautiful valley situated in between large snow capped mountains.  I mean there were a just few houses around my reconstructed apartment and then we were in the wilderness.  "Sure is a beautiful planet that I supposed is sparsly populated?"
 

"Xoba has a population of approximately 10 million."

"OMIGOSH," I stammered.  "THAT'S LIKE HALF OF LA.  AND DO YOU HAVE PEOPLE OF ALL COLORS, SHAPES AND SIZES LIKE EARTH?"

"Our people are racially diverse just like your planet as we follow a similar migratory/evolutionary process as Earthlings."

I strectched on my plush seat.  "So I suppose you just wanted to make things up for me so I would feel comfortable, you being a bunch of 'advanced aliens.'"

"We do," Aptos answered.  "Actually we are advanced where our real method of transportation are small jet nuclear fusion powered engines that we have inside the soles of our 'protective shoes,' made of an advanced material that protects our feet fromt he engine exhaust.  We are able to control our rocket powered shoes by our eyelids, as the controls are implanted into eyes when we are small children.  The engine is capable of lasting our entire lifetime and as it is nuclear fusion powered it has an eternal fuel suppy."

"And how long is this lifetime?"  I questioned Aptos.  "Maybe 40 or 45 Earth years?"

Aptos laughed.  "How about 1000 of your Earth years.  Like I said before we are far advanced to you when it comes to genetic research.  For instance you you could pass for your mid twenties say for the next two hundred  years."

"OMIGOSH I WOULD LOOK 25 FOR THE NEXT TWO HUNDRED YEARS.  I'M SORRY BIFF, MOTHER , FATHER AND ALL OTHER LOVED ONES ON EARTH, I'M STAYING HERE FOR A WHILE.  BY THE WAY WHO'S YOUR LEADER?"

Aptos put his head up and chucked.  "YOU ARE my dear. Our planet is named Xoba but for a few days you might as well call it 'Fifiland.'  We are inviting a number of Earthings to tour our planet and you may to stay with us if you wish, of course you would go back and tell your relatives you'll be going away to a far away place for a long time.  They'll understand.  Our operatives can freeze your body for many years so that later on you may travel 'back and forth.' between the two planets.  We have constructed buildings to look like your 'Van Nuys' and 'Sherman Oaks' unlike our highly sophisticated living quarters which is located in our upper atmosphere.  Living in the atmosphere is better for our people's lung capacity and is part of the reason for our extremely long life span.  Water and food are grown and transported from our planet's surface.  Anyways our planet is for you to temporarily rule.  You will be granted your every wish.  We have unlimited amounts of fresh water, the finest organic grown foods, the finest livestock of cattle and poultry if you wish to eat meat, the most advanced technogies for you to use that make your 'cell phones' and HDTVs look like something from the Stone Age, plentiful amounts of the most precious minerals such as gold and silver that our jewlers make into the most beautiful jewelry for you to wear, and no shortage of highly intelligent eligible men for you to meet and be with....."

I looked up in the air and did see people flying around with little rockets in their feet flying into large floating homes.

"That means you people have 'space septic tanks?"  I jokingly told Aptos.

Aptos look down to the ground.  "I told you we have made such great advances in medicine and genetics that we don't have to worry about that problem your talking about.  Let's just say we've been able to transform both the 'liquid' and 'solid' stuff into our sweat glands and we just 'sweat' a little more than you Earthlings do.

"OMIGOSH," I shouted.  "WHAT A HUGE ADVANTAGE RIGHT THERE COMPARED TO LIVING ON EARTH.  I'LL TAKE A LITTLE MORE DEODORANT SPRAY OVER USING TOILET PAPER ANY DAY OF THE WEEK."

I looked at Aptos.  "Anything I wish huh?"

"Yes," Aptos answered.

"MY WISH IS FOR YOU TO TAKE ME BACK.  AGING SLOWLY.  A BEAUTIFUL SPARSLY POPULATED PLANET WHERE I YOU HAVE FRESH AIR AND YOU CAN SEE FOR MILES AND THE SKY IS BLUE OR GREEN OR WHATEVER IT IS.  A GREEN SUN.  NOONE GOES TO THE BATHROOM.  PEOPLE FLYING ALL OVER THE PLACE.  EVERYTHING BEING EASY FOR ME.  ALL THE LUXURIES I WANT AND I DON'T HAVE TO WORK FOR IT.  NO FAILED AUDITIONS.  I'M SURE YOU WOULD MAKE UP A BASEBALL TEAM FOR ME THAT WINS EVERY GAME UNLIKE THE CUBS WHO CAN'T EVEN WIN ONCE IN A CENTURY.  PEOPLE SMILING AND BEING FRIENDLY TO YOU.  NOBODY PUTTING IN A HARD DAYS WORK, NO GREEDY LAWYERS, NO STUCK UP GOLD DIGGING BIMBOS, NO MONEY HUNGRY WALL STREET TYPES.  EVERYBODY IS HONEST.  TAKE ME BACK TO EARTH.  THIS PLACE JUST ISN'T REALITY."

"But Fifi we're just here for a day, don't you want to see more of my planet and isn't this what you want?  Everything to go your way unlike on Earth?"

"yEAH BUT NOTHING GOES EASILY FOR ME BACK ON EARTH AND YOU'RE GIVING ME THE WORLD OF THE PERFECT PERFECT?  WHAT AM I SOME KIND OF 'EARTHLING EXPERIMENT' FOR YOU PEOPLE TO STUDY?  BESIDES I'M NOT SURE IF I WANT TO LIVE A THOUSAND YEARS.  THAT MEANS I WOULD HAVE TO LIKE WORK 900 YEARS OR SO.  I'VE ONLY BEEN WORKING AS A WAITRESS FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS AND I HATE DOING IT, I CAN'T IMAGINE WORKING AS A WAITRESS FOR OVER 900 YEARS.  SO ANYWAYS I'LL JUST GROW OLD, ENTER THAT ASTRAL REALM IN MY ASTRAL BODY WHEN THE TIME COMES AND WHEN I COME BACK DOING ALL THIS NONSENSE OVER AGAIN WITH A NEW FATHER AND MOTHER.  YOU KNOW STARTING OUT AS A CRYING LITTLE BABY DOING CACA IN MY PANTS, AND THEN BEING A  BRAT KID AGAIN, AND THEN BEING A SMART ALECK TEENAGER, AND THEN WHAT.........BEING A WAITRESS ALL OVER AGAIN TRYINGTO MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD ON AN EARTH WHICH MAY HAVE A POPULATION OF A 100 BILLION AND I WOULD HAVE TO LIVE IN THE AIR BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE GROUND OR MAYBE THE LORD WILL SEND ME TO YOUR PLANET AND IF I WANT TO HAVE A KID I CAN WAIT TILL I'M 300 OR 400 YEARS OLD.  ANYWAYS LIFE IS TOO EASY ON YOUR PLANET, TAKE ME BACK TO REALITY AND TO EARTH, NICE KNOWING YOU."

"As you wish," Aptos answered me testily. "And what should we do with your cloned body."

"GO AHEAD AND FREEZE DRY IT," I answered.  "I MAY COME YOU KNOW WHEN I'M 80 FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS OR SO JUST TO FEEL WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A YOUNG BODY AGAIN."

"I doubt if we'll do that", Aptos angrily muttered.  The next I know things got kind of misty and I FEEL A BIG JOLT BUT WAKE UP IN MY CABIN ROOM.  I touch my body.  "I'M BACK ON EARTH.  YIPEEE BACK ON EARTH."  I shout to my self.    I'M NO LONGER ON 'PHONY PLANET.'  BACK ON GOOD OLD EARTH WHERE EVERYTHING WILL BE TOUGH AGAIN.  NEEDING TO USE THE BATHROOM AGAIN.  THE CUBS WINNING LIKE A HUNDRED REGULAR SEASON GAMES AND GETTING SWEPT IN 3 STRAIGHT BY THE DODGERS IN THE PLAYOFFS.  FAILED AUDITIONS.  MY FATHER ANGRILY CALLING ME UP EVERY FEW DAYS AND TELLING ME HE HAS A BANKING JOB AVAILABLE FOR ME AND I'M 'WASTING TIME' TRYING TO MAKE IT AS AN ACTRESS.  PEOPLE WALKING BY ME LIKE I DON'T EXIST.  MY BOSS PETROS CHEWING ME OUT.  PROBLEMS WITH MY BOYFRIEND BIFF.   LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING OLD IN 20 OR 30 SHORT YEARS NOT 200 YEARS.  DIRTY SMOGGY LA SKIES.  AIR THAT'S TOUGH TO BREATHE.  DIRTY TAP WATER.  CHEMICALLY PROCESSED FOODS.  CRAZY WEATHER CAUSED BY ALL THE GLOBAL WARMING.  WALL TO WALL TRAFFIC.  LONG LINES EVERYWHERE.  SCAM ARTISTS CONTACTING ME BY PHONE OR EMAIL TRYING TO STEAL MY MONEY.   HORRIBLE REALITY SHOWS AND STUPID TOILET HUMOR MOVIES ON TV AND AT THE THEATERS.  A BRIGHT NORMAL  YELLOW SUN.  OUTRAGEOUS GAS AND FOOD PRICES..........YIPEEEEEEE.......YOU STUCK UP XOBIANS NEED TO COME TO EARTH AND GET A LITTLE TASTE OF WHAT A HARD LIFE IS LIKE.

 

Since my physical body didn't eat or drink for a few days I never realized how thirsty and hungry I felt.  I was getting dressed up to go to a nice place to eat whenI hear a knock on the door.  I'm greeted by a tall park ranger.  "Excuse me young lady, just want to know if everything was right.  I noticed your truck parked outside but some of the neighbors out here in Big Bear that they haven't seen you the last three or four days.  Is everything OK?"

"Everything is fine, everything is fine, I've been just resting and sleeping.  I mean I have a stressful job and need a couple of days just to relax" I told the ranger.  "Tell those noisy neighbors not to worry about me."

The ranger tipped his hat and smiled.  "Glad to hear that, are you by yourself?  No boyfriend?  No husband?"

I smirked at the park ranger.  "Mr Park Ranger.  Yes I'm by myself.  I am independent girl and do not need to be with a 'boyfriend' or 'husband.'  I can take care of things myself."

The park ranger smiled and started to walk away. "Hope you enjoy the rest of your trip."

"MR PARK RANGER I'VE ALREADY HAD THE MOST AMAZING ENJOYABLE TRIP ANYONE CAN EVER IMAGINE," I shouted to him as he walked away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Want to review or comment on this short story?
Click here to login!


Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!


Reviewed by m j hollingshead 10/5/2008
enjoyed the read




The Miracle Man by James Skivington

Miraculous events in a tiny Irish village bring out the best - and worst - in everyone...  
Featured BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members


Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part III by Jay Dubya

Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part III is adult satirical literature that parodies thirteen famous short stories...  
Featured BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members

Authors alphabetically: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Featured Authors | New to AuthorsDen? | Add AuthorsDen to your Site
Share AD with your friends | Need Help? | About us


Problem with this page?   Report it to AuthorsDen
AuthorsDen, Inc. All rights reserved.