From 'Diary of a Mad Gen Yer'
Reprinted from November 2008 with changes for 2012
GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE
A GENYER TRAVELS BACK IN TIME TO 1621 PLYMOUTH MASSACHUSSETTS
I'm rubbing my shoes I'm rubbing my shoes I'm rubbing my shoes and the next thing I know I wake up on this like 'beach' and it's like cold and foggy and everything. I have no idea where I am. It's seems like in any dream I'm having it's always foggy. My right brain constantly likes to play tricks on me. Frankly I'm getting a little tired of all these 'dreams' too. Especially these silly dreams where I dream I'm a rich and famous actress and I'm winning all kinds of awards and then I wake up in my chilly Van Nuys bedroom (I'm sorry but heating bills are expensive) getting ready for my lucrative job as a waitress and realize that yesterday I just got turned down for a minor role for some dumb stupid gen y Teens B movies (Aren't all the movies made in the Teens B movies?). On top of that I read where MS ‘MEDIOCRE QUEEN OF THE TOILET HUMOR FILMS ACTRESS' WHO ONLY GOT A BIG ROLE BECAUSE SHE 'KNEW' SOMEONE is buying some fancy mansion in Bel Air because the ‘Social Networkers’ are buying tickets left and right to see her crummy films. I mean my four brains and my chakras and my spiritual guide need to help me get my big break not keep on putting me in these silly dreams.
Anyways I kind of forget in a few minutes I'll wake up to be a struggling actress and squint my eyes at the fog trying to figure out where I am when I see a bearded well dressed man in medevial garb and a beautiful top hat walking towards me. "YOUNG LADY THOU ARE NOT PROPERLY DRESSED FOR THE FEAST," the man yelled while looking at my 21st century garb of a blouse and jeans."
"I'M SO SORRY," I answer. "I'M QUITE WELL DRESSED FOR THE YEAR 2012. I BELIEVE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS DRESSED FUNNY LIKE. ARE WE AT A COSTUME PARTY AND WHAT IS THAT BEACH OUT THERE? MALIBU BEACH?"
The man started at me for a few minutes. "THOU IS FROM ANOTHER TIME PERIOD?" He pulled a crucifex out of his coat. "BE GONE THY WITCH BE GONE."
"OHNONONONONONONO........." I shouted. "YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE CALLING ME A WITCH. I'M AS 'CHRISTIAN' AS ALL YOU PEOPLE PUT TOGETHER. I MEAN I'M JUST IN A SILLY DREAM....SOMETIMES I MAY BE A BYYTCH BUT NEVER A WITCH. SO NONE OF THAT BURNING AT THE STAKE NONSENSE OR I'LL WAKE UP AND GO BACK TO MY CHILLY VAN NUYS APARTMENT RIGHT NOW. AND WHAT YEAR MAY THIS BE?"
Again the man stared for a few seconds and said nothing. "It is the Christian year 1621. It is a place called Plymouth and we are pilgrims. Thou may call me Miles Standish."
"Omigosh Miles Standish the fella who ran the Plymouth Colony and this must be like the first Thanksgiving. So you're having a big feast with turkey and stuffings and all the trimmings eh? Thanksgiving also happens to be tommorrow in 2012. I and a few friends of mine were going to get together and eat some 'bird' too......but now I'm at the place where it all started....."
I saw a small little rock on the beach. "So that's Plymouth Rock?" I ask Miles.
"It is Plymouth Rock."
"And where's the Mayflower?"
"It has gone back to England. Thou speaketh funny. Thou are not possessed by evil spirits? What is thy Chrisitian name?"
"You know I'm getting a bit fed up with your attitude Miles." I snarled. "You may be a well respected man and I know this is but a dream but again I'm no witch and the only 'evil spirit' possessing me is when I hear some bimbo with half the acting talent I have getting a leading role in a big budget film, then I feel like doing evil things.....you know my primitive brain gets upset......my chakras turn all red......my....."
"Enough dear girl," Miles made a 'stop' sign with both his hands. "Thou hath convinced me that thou is not possessed by evil spirits. Thou is just 'different' and thou did not answer my question. What is thy name?"
"My name is Cheryl, but you Miles my dear, can call me Fifi, like everybody else does."
"What a strange name. A pagan sounding name......'Fifi'.......Thou should be called a proper English name like 'Cheryl'........”
"GIVE ME A BREAK MILES," I sneered. "CHERYL WASN'T EVEN USED IN YOUR TIME. I MEAN I WOULD BE CALLED SOMETHING LIKE 'REBECCA' OR 'MARY.' OMIGOSH MARY MARY SO DULL QUIET AND CONTRARY. I'M SORRY FIFI ........FIFI. THAT'S ALL I CARE TO BE CALLED."
A girl in Puritan dress around my age came out of the fog in and gave me a curtsy. "My name is Priscilla Mullins. I am pleased to be of aquaintance of thy Woman called Fifi."
"Priscilla is to be wed next year to John Alden and where is thy husband Woman who calls herself Fifi?" Miles growled.
"I'm sorry Miles and Priscilla but I'm from 2012 and marriage is something I may consider like a decade from now. Obytheway I just want to mention Priscilla I happened to audition like a year ago for a role where I played you in a movie about the Mayflower. Of course I got turned down."
Prisilla looked at me strange like....."One does not understand what thou is saying....."
“Yes Priscilla she speaketh funny,” Miles said. “Tommorrow she will attend church and perhaps the good minister will cure her of these ills, meanwhille she is to be properly clothed and then she may help you and the other women to prepare for the feast. Woman called Fifi please follow Priscilla...."
I just stared at Miles, arms folded.
"COME FIFI," Priscilla said. "I WILL TAKE YOU TO MY HOUSE TO BE PROPERLY DRESSED."
"NEANDERTHAL WAYS DON'T CHANGE," I muttered to myself as Priscilla led me to her thatched hut. "OF COURSE IT'S 1621 AND I SHOULD EXPECT TO BE IN A MALE CHAUVENIST WORLD. COOK AND CLEAN. COOK AND CLEAN...ACTUALLY IT'S STILL NOT REALLY ANY DIFFERENT IN 2012. IT STILL IS A MAN'S WORLD......"
Priscilla looked at me as we walked toward her house. "Thou still speaks to thyself as thou is possessed Fifi. Thou should be afraid of people who may be frightened......"
"I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYONE," I growled at Priscilla.
Well a few minutes later I leave Prisiclla's hut all dressed in an uncomfortable Puritan dress when I'm led to like a big feast at several large tables where I all these Pilgrims and all these Native Americans sitting together.
Miles, sitting at the head of the table,got up. "COME DEAR LADY, JOIN US. NOW YOU LOOK PRESENTABLE. THE WOMEN HAVE MADE OUR FEAST SO YOU MAY HELP THEM CLEAN UP AFTER WE ARE DONE EATING. PEOPLE THIS IS THE WOMAN CALLED FIFI."
A handsome young brave stood up. "I am Squanto. I like the name Fifi. It sounds like one of our Spirits."
A distinguished looking Native American chief rose. "I am Massasoit. These are my people. So you came in the great White Man's ship last year from the great land called England Woman who is called Fifi?"
"NAAHHHH I CAME FROM THE LAND CALLED VAN NUYS. THERE'S NO BOATS IN VAN NUYS. MY RIGHT BRAIN IS CURRENTLY PLAYING TRICKS WITH ME AGAIN. I'M HAVING A DREAM."
A woman whom I would described as an 'Indian princess' rose. "I am Wetamoo."
"I thought you were Pocohantas," I jokingly said.
"Pocahantas went to the spirit world last year," Wetamoo said quietly.
"Oh I'm sorry."
Well I sat next to a handsome pilgrim who rose as I sat next "My name is John Alden Woman called Fifi."
"OMIGOSH PRISCILLA SURE DID WELL. YOU ARE A FIND."
John laughed. "Thou speaketh funny but I like Thou."
It was like the most delicious you could imagine. Onions and spices and maize and puddings and venison and wild fowl and all kinds of sweet puddings......and wine and water to drink. As I sat next to John I saw wooden spoons and bowels. "You people don't have any forks?"
"Forks?” John answered, a curious expression on his face.
Then I realized that this was like the Middle Ages or whatever and people didn't have forgets and UGGGGGH NO NAPKINS, PEOPLE USED THE TABLE CLOTH TO CLEAN THEIR HANDS. I looked around the First Thanksgiving dinner party AND OF COURSE I RECOGNIZED SOMEONE RIGHT AWAY DRESSED IN TRADITIONAL NATIVE AMERICAN COSTUME WHO ELSE BUT........ALOCKI?"
"OMIGOSH ALOCKI," I shouted at Alocki who was sitting at the other end of the table nears Miles Standish.
"YES FIFI," Alocki laughed.
"YOU WOULD BE IN MY DREAMS AND OF COURSE YOU WOULD BE DRESSED IN 'NATIVE AMERICAN' GARB WHILE I'M ALL DRESSED HERE PURITAN LIKE. OF COURSE I'M A 'PURE GIRL' SO THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME LOOKING LIKE A PURITAN."
John looked at me and chuckled. "Thou are quite entertaining."
Miles stood up. "A prayer to our Christian savior before we enjoy the feast. Woman called Fifi who is also Christian. Will you lead us all in prayer?"
"Of course," I answered and looked down. "Bless us Father for these gifts we are about to receive and.........LET'S ALL DIG IN."
Miles smiled. "INTERESTING PRAYER WOMAN CALLED FIFI. BEFORE WE START MY FRIENDS LET US AKNOWLEDGE OUT TWO NEW GUESTS, WOMAN CALLED ALOCKI FROM THE LAND KNOWN AS ZATORIS AND WOMAN CALLED FIFI WHO LIVES IN THE CHRISTIAN YEAR 2012 AND IS FROM THE LAND CALLED VAN NUYS,,,,,,"
We all started eating and I noticed John eating a large fowl leg. "So what is that? Turkey?" I ask John.
"YOU KNOW GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE."
"Thou are humorous," John answered.
"You people don't know anything about that Thanksgiving Parade with all those big flying floats and of course NFL football where the Lions always play on Thanksgiving. I mean that's what I think of when I think of Thanksgiving."
John just ignored me.
Well the next thing I know the wine was like kinda getting to me and my head was spinning all over the place......spinning.......spinning........and I'm waking up in my Van Nuys bedroom. I hear Marissa my roommate yelling at me......"FIFI FIFI.....WAKE UP....ARE YOU HAVING ONE OF YOUR DREAMS AGAIN. THE TURKEY'S ALMOST DONE. BIFF, ALBERTO, ALOCKI, AND HELOS WILL ALL BE HERE SOON. YOU NEED TO GO BUY THE WHIPPED CREAM FOR THE PUMPKIN PIE AND TOMATOES FOR THE SALAD..... YOU NEED TO QUIT DAYDREAMING FIFI."
I shake the sleep out of my head and get up, "Back to Van Nuys in 2012 Woman called Fifi. Back to the real world Woman called Fifi," I chuckle to myself.