Reprinted from 'Diary of a Mad gen Yer..'
Another old Holiday favorite...And why not? I'm just as funny as all those Christmas 'cartoon characters' you see rehashed year after year....
I know....It's my ego....my ego
A CELEBRATION OF YULE
TO CELEBRATE THE FESTIVAL OF THE 'WINTER SOLSTICE.’
I'm rubbing my shoes I'm rubbing my shoes I'm rubbing my shoes......and I wake up and I'm like in this big 'town hall' sitting at a large table with all these people dressed in like 'medieval clothing' and in front of me plates and plates full of delicious food.
Well of course sitting next to me are my good friends Alocki whose from the planet Zatoris and is the smartest person I ever met and my on again off again boyfriend Biff.
"OK you two what kind of crazy dream are we in now? Looks like medieval England with all these men walking with their beards and wearing heavy woolen clothing and all these women wearing these heavy woolen dresses."
Alocki smiled at me...."It is more like medieval Scandinavia Fifi. We are celebrating the festival of Yule...circa 1011 AD."
"YULE you mean Christmas."
Biff, who was wearing kind of a scraggly beard, shook his head and chuckled at me. "Nahh Fifi, this is the Pagan ritual of Yule, before they mixed it up with that fictional birth of a mythical Jesus and called it Christmas."
"All right Biff, there you go again with your atheist 'naturalist' views. I don't want to argue religion with you tonight. We do enough of that and we can do that some other time. It really looks like a nice feast, even though it is Pagan."
"This is where Christmas came from Fifi," Biff explained. "Yule is the festival of the Winter Solstice; you know when the Earth's axis is furthest away from the sun around December 21. All the traditions the Christians 'took' came from the Yule ceremonies celebrated by these people, I think they're Swedish, centuries before Christmas became a Christian holiday. Like that big tree behind us, the Yule Tree which we now call the Christmas tree."
I looked behind me and I saw like the largest pine tree you could imagine and it was decorated with candles and holly and mistletoe and all kinds of stuff.
"Omigosh that's the largest Christmas tree I've seen outside of Rockefeller Center in New York."
"A big 'Yule' Tree Fifi," Biff corrected me.
"Biff you atheists and pagans can call it Yule. I call it Christmas" I growled.
"So why aren't these men looking like Hagar the Horrible with their horned Viking hats?"
Biff and Alocki laughed. "Fifi we're inside," Biff said. "The men probably have their helmets outside."
A large man with a red beard who so much looked like Brian Cox, you know the actor, headed toward us.
"Welcome my good friends, I'm King Olaf of Oslo. Welcome to the celebration of Yule. After dinner we will all be exchanging gifts under the tree? And whom might you all be and where are you from?"
"Well King Olaf of Oslo I'm Fifi of Des Moines." I answered. "This here is Biff of Los Angeles and finally we have Alocki of Zatoris. We're from the year 2011 and we're kind of in a dream so we can go back in time. We wanted to see what people lived like in 1011. So you have all the same traditions that we have when we celebrate Christmas huh?"
King Olaf gave me a curious stare. "I'm sorry my dear Fifi of Des Moines. I never heard of the term Christmas."
Biff snickered at me. "I told you Fifi."
King Olaf gave a jolly laugh. "All in good nature, all in good nature, please all of you enjoy your feast. In a short time we will exchange the gifts." He walked away to mingle with others.
The succulent smell of all the foods was just tantalizing to my nostrils. I looked at what the people were eating. There were different kinds of fish, haddock and salmon and mackerel. There was goose and beef. There was cabbage and wild berries and mushrooms. Servants constantly came by and put food into my plate.
"I'm used to having ham during Christmas," I muttered to no one in particular.
One girl came by carrying a plate holding a large boar including its head.
"Boar anyone?" She smiled at us.
"There's your ham Fifi." Alocki jokingly said.
"Funny Alocki, ah no thank you."
I looked down at my wooden plate full of delicious food and noticed something was missing. NO SILVERWARE AND NO NAPKINS.
"Where the heck is my fork and knife and I don't see any napkins?"
Biff and Alocki looked at me while they were eating, smiled and shook their heads.
"Remember Fifi this 1011." Biff answered. "People didn't use silverware. They used their hands. As for napkins, well....they used their clothes.”
"So absolutely disgusting and unhygienic." I growled as I picked up some haddock with my hands and ate it. "No wonder why these people lived only about 30 or 40 years. Thank God I'm living in 2011 instead of 1011. But then again these people don't need to worry about the world coming to an end in a year like we do. They got a thousand years to go."
"Yeah we're living in great times," Biff responded. "We're putting billions of tons of pollutants in our air and oceans daily. At least they had polar ice back in 1011."
I snapped at Biff. "I said we'll talk politics later on Biff. I want to enjoy this meal."
I looked at my cup and noticed it was filled with a dark brew.
"What kind of stuff is that?" I snarled. "It has such a strong pungent odor."
A lady sitting across from me who looked like she could play fullback for the Bears and looked like one of those 'Valhalla' opera stars laughed.
"It is our Norweigian yuletide ale. Please drink.”
"All right bottoms up." I
drank the brew real fast and grimaced. "Phew that stuff is strong. My face started to burn."
Biff and Alocki looked at me and laughed. "Fifi you look like a red tomato, you're a real teetotaler."
Everything started to spin and get fuzzy like. "OMIGOSH I'M GOING BLIND," I yelped.
The next thing you know I'm waking up in my warm Van Nuys apartment bedroom with my heater spinning back and forth, back and forth.
I sit up on my bed and rub my eyes. "So when Christmas comes and I we do all these traditional things...I'll know what it's all about." I go back to sleep