"Tiptoe Through the Tulips"
by Ted L Glines
Don't you get tired of authors who refer to ETs as being thousands of years more advanced than mankind? I do. After spending almost seven decades studying the history and culture and religion of various kinds and types of humans, I do not see men as being much more advanced than the primitive cave-men. Lots of new technology but the same old crude power trips. Heck, man is advanced enough to use kleenex instead of blowing snot all over the kids. Neato. Then he goes home and knocks the wife around just to prove ... something ... advanced.
The most intelligent thing that power-moguls ever did was when the rulers of the Holy Roman Empire conned the people into having faith in "things unseen;" that was a master-stroke. It meant that their sheep did not even have to look for God anymore; they could just believe in their Priest. Cool. That was pretty advanced. Or was it simply a sophisticated way of empowering age-old control-issues.
Man is so advanced that he is slowly turning our planet into one huge toxic landfill. "Oh, it's awful!" someone cries out,†"They should fix this!!!" After one ugly caveman beat the other ugly caveman half to death and established who was boss, sure enough, a more-meek caveman said, "That's not fair. They should fix that." From that time until now, no one has ever figured out who "They" is. To prove the point, you can travel all the way around DC's beltway and you will never find anyone who is responsible.
ETs are mostly thought of as being evil and predatory and wicked and greedy and downright impossible to get along with. Oh, don't forget ugly. Sounds a lot like what I see on CNN every night. Fill up Utah with ETs, and fill up New Mexico with men, and let the papparazzis sort them out. Both of them will turn out to be a thousand years more advanced than mushrooms. I think I prefer the 'shrooms for company. And for soups and gravies. Most cannibals agree that men will do in a pinch, but they really do not taste too scrumptious. KFC is better.
"Advanced" is the wrong word to describe humanity. Let's try "expedient" - which might fit better. It is expedient to promote love at the point of a sword. It is expedient to waste the lives of our soldiers in a non-war which can never be won. As far as the thugs ruling our own inner cities with drugs and crime and killing, it is somehow expedient to assure them the right to bear arms. Behind closed doors, even as we speak, sequestered members of Congress are discussing matters of dire expediency. Sort of like Tiny Tim totally ruining a perfectly lovely little song. I cannot listen to "Tip-Toe Through the Tulips" without laughing. It was expedient for Tiny Tim to do this to us; it made his day (career?).
But back to ETs being thousands of years more advanced than us -- consider that classic, "War of the Worlds," or "Godzilla" (great Japanese sense of humor), or Dean Koontz's deadly encounter in "The Taking" -- were the ETs doing anything that man has not done to man all down through history? Nope, just "Life According to CNN" on a grander scale. If real ETs ever come here to conquer us, the solution is simple; sic Tiny Tim on them. That will surely send them back to Arturus to complain to The Great Cthulhu. Cool beans† :-)†