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Dave LeGates

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Member Since: Apr, 2007

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Hey Barky!
By Dave LeGates
Sunday, April 29, 2007

Rated "PG" by the Author.

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           >> View all 7

When all you want is a cheeseburger, be careful who you ask!

You know when you're in college, its important to network.

Because resources are generally slim, students are forced to find innovative ways to get the essentials of being in college. The FAD Principal.

Food..Alcohol and Drugs.

Its all part of the educational process really, it teaches you a lot.

Economics..Supply and Demand, monetary value as well as team building skills, leadership, management.

Math..How to make $3 last a whole week and still get enough FAD.

Psychology...why people do the stupid crap they do.

The possibilites are endless, its a vital part of your degree.

Strangely enough, the hardest part of the FAD triad to obtain sometimes is the most legal.

Food is money when you're in school. Weed and drinking are things you do for fun, but food arguably is necessary.

They don't just hand the stuff out really. You are more likely to get someone to give you a free beer and a hit off a blunt than you are a 49 cent cheeseburger. Grab a beer from the cooler, no problem. The blunt comes your problem. Reach into the McDonald's bag and the dirty looks start.

The school gives you SOME food on your food plan, but the person who wrote the plan still thinks you're 3 years old.

That is why college kids always need to have food resources. Friends in high places who work fast food. You never knew how important that BK working friend was did you? He's higher than the president to you at that point.

Me, I had a fast food job, I worked at Subway. I was already a highly sought after friend. Not only did I have a fast food job but I had one that was open at 2 am. I was like Emperor for awhile.

The problem is even the Emperor needs to eat and one can't live on subs alone. I too needed someone. That special friend willing to drive the extra mile and make my fast food dreams come true . I had money, but I was saving for my education!

Then he walked in the door! It was like you could tell a romance was ready to start.


I was making subs and a young guy in a suit walked in the door looking like he was about to break out a Bible and minister to me. I was right sort of..he was going to minister to me, but his Bible was an Amway catalog.

He spends about an hour in between customers recruting me and how he needs a partner for his Amway business. At that point in my life, I didn't know anything about these things, so it sounded interesting.
Besides, I really saw some real potential for this guy. If he really wanted this, he'd have to anti up.

So I made him an offer.

"Ok dude, I'll tell ya what. If you drive down the road to McDonalds and come back with 3 cheeseburgers, I'll join!"

He introduces himself as Greg Barkley and he says he'll be right back. I thought he said "Barky" for his name, so that's what I started calling him.

A few minutes later he came back with the cheeseburgers and I joined up. So we exchanged phone numbers while I ate and he said he'd call me tomorrow, so we could start having "meetings".

I found out he was only my age at the time (19) and he had a pregnant 16 year old wife. I guess he needed to find out what it was like to put a kid thru college.

I started calling him at will.

"Hey Barky! I think we need a meeting tonight!" Meaning I was looking for food.

"Oh." He replied, "Ok, you think so."

"Absolutely, bring the cheeseburgers down to the shop tonight and we'll meet."

"Ok." he replied. Dutifully he'd show up with a few cheeseburgers and we'd talk about nothing. He'd call his wife if he was gone more than 10 minutes. Eventually she'd get mad and he'd have to go home.

"Tell her you're making her rich." I said, "Chicks dig that!"

He'd call his old high school drop out factory working friends and tell them he was coming over to talk to them about something. He'd go into this hour long schpeel while I sat off to the side munching burgers.

Finally they would ask him what he's getting at and he'd say, "I want you to join me in Amway."

It was hysterical to watch his old friends throw him out of the house. One guy picked him up and tossed him out on the porch.

"You're real popular man." I told him in the car, "This business is fun!"

However I couldn't understand why the mere mention of the word "Amway", would flick a light switch in his otherwise friends and turn him into an enemy.

Eventually I started calling him up at work and his boss would answer,

"Hey! Where's Barky!?" I'd holler out. His boss would start yelling at him for getting personal calls. Greg would get on the phone.

"You're gonna get me fired!" he'd say.

"SCREW him!" I said, "In a year, you'll be rich and own that guy, right?"

I called there once and the boss answered the phone.

"Hey! Gimme Barky!" I yelled.

"Greg" he replied, "Its the Hamburglar from that CULT you're in!"

CULT? That's interesting. Now I was in college and much like Skippy from Family Ties, no fraternities had contacted me for membership, but several cult groups were interested. That's why this guy liked me. I had that personality that cults like.

So I told him we needed to have a meeting, I had questions. Bring the cheeseburgers of course! He'd pick me up and the McD's bag was on the car seat.

"You're saving your receipts for these, right?" I asked him, "Its a tax write off."

"Well there's only one in there" he answers, "You're on a diet!"

"Naw man, this is no good." I tell him, "I can't POSSIBLY have a meeting on one cheeseburger." He got pissed off and said, "I only had a dollar!"

"I'm sure your wife has some money."

He goes home and gets money from her. We went back to the golden arches and loaded up. He saved the receipt.

Finally I had to ask him..

"OK, explain to me how were going to make money here."

"Well" he replied, "We need to get more meetings with others and get them signed up."

"Ok" I answered, "And this will make us money how?"

"Well, they'll get more people to sign up."

"Uh huh, and this will do what?"

"Well it keeps going on and on."

"Dude" I replied, "I'm not stupid. I go to school and I work in a place that makes money. You have to SELL something to make money. Getting more employees just means splitting the profits more."

"Don't worry about selling anything." he answered.

"Dude" I answered amused, "Thats how you make money." I was now suspicious of this guy and he knows it.

"My brother can explain it better to you." he tells me.

Ahh the cult leader! The Rev Jim Jones of this! He looked like he had an evangelical side to him. A fat little guy dressed in a black suit with shiny glasses.

He sits me down in his kitchen where there are Bible passages, pictures and letters from Save the Children sponsored kids on his fridge. He opens the fridge door and says, "Want a glass of juice?"

Hmm now I've seen this movie before...don't drink ANYTHING!

"I'll pass." I tell him.

Then he gets all fire and brimstone on my ass and starts yelling.



He got a nasty little wormy look to him and said, "You know, I don't think you're quite cut out for this."

I looked at him and said, "You know oh mighty one, I think you're right."

He gives Greg a dirty look and says, "Gregory, take your little friend home. And don't pass by any McDonald's on the way."

He followed his instructions and took me home. He never called me up again and he didn't take any calls from me at work.

A few months went by and all of the sudden on a rainy night he appeared at the Subway shop.

"Hey Barky!"I said, "Came down to hang out? Go get us some burgers man!"

"No, I can't, Sue is in the car." I look outside and the wife is still obviously pregnant in what I thought should be WAY after her due date.

"She didn't have that kid yet?" I asked, "Is she having a human?"

"That's not funny." he replies, "Can I use the phone?"

I give him the phone, he makes a call and he just says "Yes" about 5 or 6 times then hangs up.

"I gotta go." he says.

"Where you going?" I asked.

"My brother says God told him everyone has to move to Florida. I don't know why."

"Oh ok. Hey how's the Amway business?"

"WE WERE NEVER IN AMWAY OK?" he says emphatically. "YOU NEVER MET US!" He went back out into the rain and disappeared.

I never saw him again. I came to the realization that they were really a cult of some kind.

All I wanted was damn cheeseburger.

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