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Ann Scarborough

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Member Since: Jun, 2007

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An E-Mail I Got Today
By Ann Scarborough
Thursday, August 16, 2007

Rated "PG" by the Author.

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I am not the author. The original author is unknown to me or any of the 45 others who got this e-mail.

How to Give a Cat a Pill

Please forgive me Mr. Ed, it's just too funny.

1.     Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.     Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.     Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill  away.    

4.     Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.    

5.     Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden

6.     Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.    

7.     Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.    

8.     Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.     Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.   

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.   

14.  Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

15.  Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

How To Give A Dog A Pill    

 

1. Wrap it in bacon.    

2. Toss it in the air. 
 


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Reviewed by Regis Auffray 12/11/2007
That is the reason I do not have cats. Love you for sharing this though. Love and best wishes,

Regis
Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner 9/29/2007
Mrrrrrrrrowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Ever pill a cat? I have, and had the scratches and bite marks to prove it! Smart little guy: would hide the pill in his food, he'd eat every bit except the part concealing said pill; mashed it up, mixed it in with tuna: the cat, who LOVED tuna, suddenly wanted no part of it. Grrrrrrrrrr. Finally, when I was worn out, I left it on the floor: sucker went right over, batted it a few times, then ate it! LOL Durn cat. :)

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.
Reviewed by David Perry 9/24/2007
Darn cats, I mean if somebody 100 times bigger than you tried to force you to swallow some unknown and unwanted stuff, you'd comply without a fuss right? :)
Reviewed by Michael Guy 8/25/2007
on #15 I would have simpley instructed: "get rid of cat" but we are trying to be humane here, and there are far too many stray cats.
Now about that Lasix my vet gave me last week to give to my 16 year old cat with HBP? She's 16, I'm not renewing the prescription! (And I need some more Bactroban) You're funnier than most poets!
Reviewed by Mr. Ed 8/21/2007
HO HO! And you should see my arms some days, and the ER bills. I've even had Cat Scratch Fever! But I always end it at Number 14, and I drink Bourbon, not Scotch!

And on the Dog One, I don't even need the bacon. Whatever I toss in the air, goes right in the dog's mouth - and it's inhaled - SWOOOSH!
Reviewed by Walt Hardester 8/19/2007
Been there done that

Walt
Reviewed by LadyJtalks LadyJzTalkZone 8/16/2007
I've had cats but i have heard of these kind...got to post this one myself. Lady J
Reviewed by Felix Perry 8/16/2007
Okay, I am laughing like hell, sorry cat owners but I could picture all of this happening in my mind for some reason or other. LOL

Fee




The Shorter Version by Kathryn Perry

New excerpt from The Shorter Version---page 148..  
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