Phydoux and the Bark Collar
By Larry R Linville
Things are getting crazy around here. Just because I can communicate by typing on a computer, that doesn’t mean they should make me stop barking. Barking is natural for dogs. English is my second language. Barking is my first language. Do you suppose they are angry with me for learning to type English on the computer?
Anyway, the other day Federal Express arrived and my owner opened the box and there were three collars, one for each of the dogs who run this house. They were pretty and each had a colorful trinket on it. It’s about time we were able to modernize our fashions around here. Our Mommy tenderly put the collars on each of us. She smiled – or maybe she sneered. She spoke tenderly to us and then she went to the sofa to sit down.
I thought it would be polite to bark a pleasant “thank you”, but when I did that silly trinket sent out a strange vibration. All I was able to say was, “Ba….” I was startled. I tried again and it got me again. Mommy said, “Good Boy!” She even gave me a treat. The other dogs tried to bark and they were met with the same trembling feeling in their neck.
I looked at the box and it said it was a “bark collar”. It is used to train your dog not to bark. Now that’s a low blow. I know we bark a lot but we are dogs. It is unnatural for a dog not to bark. Perhaps they should put collars on the birds so they won’t “chirp” and on those cats so they won’t “meow”. Have you ever seen a cow with a collar so they couldn’t “moo”?
All you dogs who think this is cruel and unusual punishment – raise your right paw! It’s unanimous! Get this stupid collar off me. I can’t stop barking cold turkey!
I hope someone comes to the door that wants to sell you something you don’t need, because I’m not going to bark to scare them off. I don’t know what the mailman is going to do without my barking. Please excuse me now. I’m going to crawl up in the corner and pout.