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P. Gordon Kennedy

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The Toilet Filter
By P. Gordon Kennedy
Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Rated "PG13" by the Author.

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The crazy quest to change that annoying clogged toilet filter.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named John and John really needed to use the John, if you know what I mean. He walked into the bathroom only to discover to his horror as he stood in front of the bowl that the toilet filter was hopelessly clogged and needed to be replaced immediately.
He hopped on his bike and rode to the hardware store where he stood before the display case with hundreds and hundreds of different models and sizes of toilet filters.
He punched the name of his toilet’s manufacturer into the display’s computer and then he entered his toilet’s nickname, its date of manufacture, his mother’s maiden name, his great grandfather’s date of birth, and the number of stars in the Milky Way galaxy.
The computer glurped away and came back with an answer in its glurpy mechanical voice, “You need filter number six-six-six.”
John located the proper filter of which the store only had one and three quarters units in stock. Needless to say, he bought the one and not the three quarters.
John biked home with the shiny new toilet filter. Upon returning to the bathroom, however, he discovered that the old toilet filter was nearly impossible to reach. It was located under the flusher, behind the pipe, and hopelessly tangled up in the air conditioner. John realized he would have to completely disassemble the toilet…how annoying!
Upon getting the toilet apart, John found he needed no fewer than six wrenches, two screwdrivers, a paint scraper, and two Twinkies to extract the old toilet filter, which was completely filled inside with something brown that smelled bad.
John unpacked the new filter and attached it to the toilet using another six wrenches, two screwdrivers, a paint scraper and two more Twinkies. Unfortunately, he forgot how to put the toilet back together again. So as a last resort, he read the instruction manual, a telephone book, and the complete works of William Shakespeare in the faint hope of being able to figure out the toilet’s complexity. Finally, he decided to put the parts back on in the order opposite of the order in which he took them off. Surprisingly that worked, though he did have three and a half parts left over.
Happily, John pulled the flush handle, the blinds, and the pull chain. The toilet gurgled and rumbled, but all of the water and all of the not-water in the bowl ended up on the bathroom floor. The seal broke and the new toilet filter popped loose with a soft clink.

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