Anna who was in that coffin, if you are really my sister like you say you are, then do something or say something that my sister would know. I am just so confused I want to believe what you are saying, but the truth is your acting strangely.
“Mom Ahab wants to know if we can go down the trail again?” Anna came in and asked. They were really taking to these hiking trips and it gave them exercise and got them out of the house, which would give me time to figure things out about Anna. I was going to start with her journals, and notebooks she had filled with poems she loved.
“That’s fine Anna, but don’t separate I want everyone together. Mechela is with her Mom, so go ahead and take Jasmine with you too. Just be careful that you guys don’t get separated, but have fun okay.”
“Thank you Mom.”
“You’re welcome sweetie.”
Vania had gone into town with her Dad, I wondered if she was going to gain the courage to tell him of her decision yet, but the truth was I did not know. It was good that they were getting that one on one time together though, and Mechela had gone with Anna, Sophia and Jelena were gone for a little while as well, so I had a little time to kind of snoop though those old journals and notebooks and walk down memory lane. Anna had loved Emily Dickinson poetry.
I turned to one of her notebooks, reading the familiar writing, wondering if my sister truly had come back to us, or if she was not at all who she said she was. She acted the part to an extent but something told me I needed to look at the whole picture. I was beginning to wonder if I should have been more cautious about Anna coming with us, but if she was telling the truth and she were my sister, I did not want to hurt her that way. I opened the lavender notebook first and read this poem by Emily Dickinson.
My river runs to thee-
Blue Sea! Wilt welcomes me?
My river waits reply-
Oh Sea-look graciously-
I’ll fetch thee Brooks
From spotted nooks-
Say-Sea- Take Me!
The poem reminded me of the summer when Ana was about five or so, and Sophia and I were teenagers, Anna was so little then, but she loved that lake and would sit outside for hours reading her story books. At five she was already a proficient reader, it was no wonder she would take to poetry so much.
Lord are the answers in these journals? Am I going to find out what I need here? I want to believe Anna is who she says she is, but I thought I had buried my sister years ago, but she’s here with us now, I want to believe it’s my sister, but I do have my questions Lord, and I want my children to be safe. I know what I am doing is dangerous, but they understand I need to do this, I just hope my father takes the bait soon, so we can get on with our lives. I know the kids miss home and we all need to get home as soon as we are able to, I miss home and my friends as well and the precinct. I want to take my spot back as Captain.
“Mom we can’t find Ahab, we tried to get him to stay with us, but we turned away for only a minute and he was gone.”
We have to go and find him.”
“I know Mom, but if he left the trail you might not be able to go, I will go.”
It was moments like this the fact I was in chair hit home. I was not one to dwell on what I could not change, but when I could not do something to help my children that was when it hit home. My children had not been here when I could walk, and the pain of what happened no longer consumed me, but when my child was missing and I could not do anything to help him then it hit me hard.
Lord help us to find Ahab let him be okay. He can’t hear us if we call him, so let him find his way back or us find him soon. In a couple of hours it will be getting dark, and I don’t know what I will do if I face loosing Ahab, I nearly lost Ana when she had that stroke,. Keep Ahab safe Lord. Place a hedge of protection around him.
“Ana we will look on the trail and if we still can’t find him, we will cross that bridge but we need to find him before dark.”
“Mom before Ahab went missing I thought I saw Aunt Anna.”
Could my sister take my son? I had done nothing but help her, but the truth was now I questioned who she was.
“Maybe we should go back to the house and see if Ana brought him there. “ I said trying to think positively about the whole situation. I did not want to believe that Anna would do anything to bring harm to my children, but the truth was I did not know.
I wanted to believe that my son was going to be waiting for us at the cabin, but somewhere deep down I knew that was wishful thinking. I was going to check at the cabin and see if Ahab was waiting for us, just on the off chance he was there but I am going to do the best I could to make sure Ahab was safe. I had to keep positive, Ahab was going to be found. If Anna took him, maybe she just took him somewhere fun.
Why would Anna take Ahab and not let anyone know it just did not make sense.
What if Anna was working for our Father?
What if she really was someone else, not the baby sister I had believed dead, and then brought back to us, kind of like Lazarus but my sister came back to us after twenty some odd years.
What if Anna really had died in that coffin, or if she is Anna what if she is helping our Father.
I was going to do my best to give Anna the benefit of the doubt but these thoughts kept coming in my head, and I found myself wondering whether or not Anna was being completely honest. If she had taken Anna I had to believe he would be okay, she did so well with Mechela.
“Mom are you okay? “ Ana asked.
“Sorry Mom, that was a stupid question.”
“It’s okay sweetie, I am glad that you and Jasmine are okay.”
“I feel like this is all my fault.”
“Ana I do not blame you, you are good big sister, and Ahab is old enough to know that when he is told to stay with you and Jasmine he needs to stay.”
“I know but Mom I still feel I could have done a better job keeping an eye on him.”
“Ana feeling guilty is not going to bring your brother back.”
“I know Mom, I just feel so bad.”
“Sweetie it’s not your fault.”
Lord I don’t blame Ana for this, why does she keep blaming herself? Help my Son be safe and his sisters all be safe. I love you Lord and I praise you. Please help us to find Ahab.
We got back to the cabin and looked thoroughly through the cabin to find no trace of Ahab, and Anna and Mechela were gone as well. I did not know what to think, but this was beginning to frighten me. My son had be safe. I could not imagine things another way.
Lord I am going to get through this, I know that you want us to find Ahab, lead us to Ahab and keep him safe. I love my son, I love all my kids and I do not want anything to happen to them. Lord sometimes I feel like our family has been through more tests than we can handle but you are always here Lord and I know that.
It didn’t take to long for us to go back down the trail, the pathway was wide enough for my chair, but I knew that I could not get off the trail, it was just physically impossible for me, and the truth was I did not want Ana going out there either. Jasmine stayed behind me holding onto the handles of my chair, not really pushing just needing something to hold on to, and I knew this was scarying her. A little over a year ago it was her who was taken and who had to face being hurt by the men who worked for my Father. I only prayed Ahab wouldn’t be hurt or worse if someone had got him. I had to believe that they would keep him safe. I just did not know how much more our family could take. I was going to keep praying and keep looking. I was not about to give up on my son, but it was getting dark out and we were going to have to call someone in to help us search.
Why was this happening?
Why would someone take my thirteen year old son?
I am a cop, I know the statistics I know the danger, but I can’t let myself give up hope.
Ahab’s going to be found, he is going to be okay.
“The sun had set and it was growing dark when Ana, Jasmine and I headed back. Ahab was not with us though, but Vania and Jacob were back as were Sophia and Jelena. I had to talk to Jacob maybe he could find him when we could not. I wanted to believe that Ahab would be fond.
What if my Father took him, he killed Eliza! I did not doubt that he was capable of killing a child, even his own grandchild. To him It was like some kind of sick game but it was real. My Father was a monster who prayed on anyone he could hurt, or intimidate, but I refused to be intimidated by him, the fact that my son was gone was a bit intimidating though. I did not know where he was at.
Jacob didn’t waste anytime getting flashlights, and going to search for Ahab, I was so grateful he was back, but Anna and Mechela were still gone. Where did they go?
Did Anna have Ahab?
“Isha we are going to find him. Ahab is going to be okay. We are going to find him.”
I wished I could believe what Jacob was saying but the truth was I was little frightened. My son was gone, he could not hear, the danger that might be looking, if he wandered off and was in danger, he could not know if someone or something snuck up beside him. I felt helpless to help him as well.
“Mom it’s going to be okay.” Vania said trying to encourage me, but at the moment I did not know if I could be encouraged. I would not feel better until Ahab was home safe. I could not go through this again, my family had been through so much.
“Vania I want to believe that, but truthfully I need to get through this and I need your brother home safe and sound. Ana and then Jasmine and now Ahab. I worry about all of you Vania, because I do not know if I am putting you in more danger.”
“Mom it’s not your fault that Ahab went missing, and it wasn’t your fault that Ana was poisoned or Jasmine was taken and hurt, but everyone is okay now, even Ana is doing much better you can hardly tell she had a stroke except for the limp she walks with, but we are all okay Mom and that is because you fought so hard for us. We know what you would do for us, what you have done for us, and we don’t blame you because evil exists in the world. Your Father is evil but you are not, you choose to live for the Lord, and you raised us to do the same. And because you gave us that foundation I believe Ahab is being protected by the Lord.”
“Thank you Vania I am glad you think I do well as a Mother, and I really want to protect you guys from the evil in the world.”
“Mom you know that’s impossible.”
“I know, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“We do love you Mom and we know that you and Dad want the best for us.”
“I do and that is why I feel like I have failed Ahab, I could not leave the trail, because this chair is my legs, I normally don’t let it bother me, but when any of my children are in danger and I can’t help them then I start feeling guilty.”
“Mom it wasn’t your fault you were shot, we weren’t around when that happened, but I know it had to be hard, and I know that you did a wonderful job being a Mother to us, you did not ever let the chair stop you from being the best Mother you could be some Mothers with two good legs don’t do the things you did for us Mom. We love you and we appreciate you, and we know you are doing everything you can to make sure Ahab is found.”
Lord you are so good to me, and I know that you love me but at moments like this when my son is missing, alone in the dark, or with someone who may want to hurt him I do have my questions. I know you are infinite in your wisdom Lord but I do not see why this is happening to us. I feel like lately our family has been put through trials and tribulations beyond imagining. I know you will help us through this. but it’s hard. I don’t know if I was coming or going.
“Mom Dad is going to find him, don’t give up hope.”
“I’m trying not to.”
“Ahab needs you to be strong right now Mom, we all need you to be strong right now Mom. Please don’t give up.”
“I’m sorry Vania I just do not feel very strong right now.”
“I know Mom and I am sorry too.”
Lord why is this happening? Why is my son missing? Why am I going to go through this? Nothing makes sense right now Lord, I just need to make sense of what is happening and right now I do not know if I can. I love you Lord and I thank you. You are good to me Lord and I do know that, but right now I just don’t know what I am going to do.
I hated waiting and not knowing. Jacob was still searching for him, I felt helpless just sitting around the Cabin waiting for my sister to come back, wondering if Anna could have really taken my son, or somehow been behind this in some way. I did not want to believe she was, but right now I had more questions than I had answers.
I shouldn’t have agreed to smoking my Father out, this is just to dangerous. I can not believe I would allow myself to be in such danger.
Be still and know that I am your God.
Lord I am trying but the truth is I am lost.
I will guide you my child.
I love you Lord, but right now I am struggling.
Lean on me, look not to the world for understanding, look to me.
I feel like I have failed Lord.
I do not measure success and failure in the way the world does.