I did not understand all that Star had endured. How could I?
I had lived a life of luxury and ease compared to what Star had lived as a little girl. Now we were trying to share our lives with Star. I was trying to show her that there were good people in the world, and that I wanted to be a good sister and a good friend, but at times reaching out to her was like running head first into a brick wall.
Lord give me the strength I need to help Star, and Lord help Stars heart soften.
Even after being with us for months Star was still frightened I would find her curled up in the fetal position on her bed at night, or laying by the sliding glass door, just shaking. Always afraid that the littlest things were going to get her in trouble. No matter what we did to encourage her to tell her we would not hurt her, that fear still remained.
Lord I am doing my best to reach her. I do not know how to get to Star.One night I heard Stars muffled cries, and went into her room. She was drenched in sweat, and I knew something was not right. Star was sick and yet she was still afraid she would get in trouble for being sick. I knew that as hot as she felt something was not right, so Mom and I ended up taking her to the hospital, she was still far to frightened to be around Dad. Dad would never hurt her, but she could not understand.
“Something is not right Mom, Star is sick and scared.”
“We’re going to get her to the doctors, she’s burning up. I’d call an ambulance, but I’m afraid it would just scare her.”
“Do you really think it’s that bad?”
“I don’t know.”
Lord let Star be alright. She’s been through so much already.“How can one person go through so much Mom, how much can one little girl endure?”
“I don’t know Hope, but we are going to have to pray for Star do our best to be there for her.”
“Mom I am believe me I am.”
“I know you are Hope and I am glad Star has a sister like you.”
“I am glad to have Star for a sister too, I just wish I knew how to reach her better.”
“Hope you are reaching her in ways that no one else has been able to.”
“I just feel so helpless Mom, how could anyone hurt a child like her family hurt her? How could her own Father do the things he did to her?”
“The sad fact is there are some sick people in this world.”
“I know Mom, but why do little kids have to be the victims?”
“That’s a question I don’t have the answer to Hope.”
I was grateful that I had Mom and grateful that Star was safe with us now, but she was sick not only in body, but in spirit, and I just did not know how to help her. Star deserved better than this. And yet she was now in the hospital, being poked and prodded, probably feeling like she was being punished again. I could not understand how anyone could think that hurting a child like this was ever okay, that leaving a thirteen year old so scarred and scared, she just did not know how to deal with life was acceptable.
Lord how much more can Star take.It wasn’t until the nurses and doctors were doing their exams that I truly saw Star’s scars. Her legs, her arms, her back, all covered in deep horrific scars that no child should ever have to endure. Star had been through so much and here she was still suffering. None of it seemed fair.
Lord help Star overcome this. Help me to be able to reach out to her. Show her that she is worthy that no child deserves punishment like this. This was not punishment but torture Lord, and she was only a little girl.I only half listened as the doctors were talking to Mom, about Star, but by the look on Mom’s face I could tell the news was not good. What was Star going to have to endure now?
Lord whatever is happening to Star, whatever she is having to endure please help her through it. She has been through so much already I don’t know how to help her.“Why did they hurt her like that?” I asked Mom knowing she had seen the scars.
“I don’t know Hope, but I did not know how bad it was. Star has an infection, its bad, if something isn’t done she will probably die.”
“No, please we have to do something.”
“They want to amputate her leg, that’s where the infection set in, they are not sure how she got it, but considering all she has been through, only God knows.”
“Does Star know.”
“I think so, but she thinks she’s being punished again. I am starting to wonder if this is more than we can handle. I knew Star had been abused, but I did not know how damaged she was.”
“Mom we can’t think like that, Star is with us for a reason, we need to help her.”
“Sweetie we are, and don’t worry I love Star, I am just really upset at the moment, but Star is a blessing.”
“Mom you need to tell her that, she needs to hear that.”
“I have told her Hope, but I am not sure she believes me.”
“Just keep telling her, and please Mom don’t give up on her.”
“Don’t worry sweetie, we are going to do everything we can to help her, but she wants to see you.”
I headed to her room where she was being settled, thinking in a short time she’d be in surgery, having a part of her removed. I knew she must be scared, the fact was I was scared for her. I hoped she would not be resentful of Mom’s decision, but this was the only way to save her life, I hoped she understood that.
“How much more can she handle Mom?” I asked. “She’s been through so much, now they are taking a limb from her? How much can one little girl handle?”
“I don’t know sweetie, but we have to be there for Star.”
“I know Mom but sometimes that doesn’t feel like it’s enough.”
“Sweetie it has to be, that and prayer.”
“Prayer goes without saying.”
I had seen the fear in Star’s eyes when she was being told about the amputation fear and sorrow. As if she wondered what she had done wrong to deserve this. I felt bad for my little sister, I wanted to protect her to shield her, the way I couldn’t before she had come to us, when she was little, before she was ours. I couldn’t help her now either, at least not the way I wanted to, I couldn’t undo the damage done to her body, but more than that to her spirit.
Lord I do not understand how one little girl can go through so much? I am only four years older than she is but sometimes it seems like she is the older one, a child who was made to grow old before her years. I can not believe that one person could ever go through so much, one little girl, but it happens Lord, it happens far to often, and now my sister could die, please don’t take her from us just when you brought her to us.I found myself pacing the hospital floors, praying everything would go okay. Praying it was not late, that removing my sisters leg was going to be enough, praying that the infection had not spread throughout her body. I did not want to think of loosing Star, she was my sister, whether or not we came from the same womb was not the question, the fact was she was my sister.
Lord let her get through this. I know she is scared and alone, and she does not really understand why all this happened to her. I don’t either Lord, but please, please get her through this.“Mom do you think she is going to get through this?”
“I pray she does Hope.”
I could not help but worry about my little sister though, the sadness in her eyes, the years of pain she was hiding behind. The scars told horrific stories, and now she was going to face something bigger the loss of her leg. I knew it did not have to mean the end, that people could live fully functioning life with prosthetic limbs but I wondered if Star knew this understood this, where she had been born people who were born different, were often discarded like unwanted animals.
Star deserves better than this Lord. She deserves so much better than this.“I guess I should have done better than this I should have done more to help her.”
“Mom this isn’t your fault. Star doesn’t blame you for this, none of us did.”
“I know but I still feel so helpless.”
“So do I Mom.”
“It is only God that can help us help her through this.”
“I know Mom.”
“That’s what I am afraid of.”
“I know sweetie.”
I was grateful that my sister was getting the care she needed. Grateful we had a good hospital and good doctors, but she should not have to be in the hospital having her leg amputated from an infection that she was afraid to mention. She should not have to live in fear like this, we were not the monsters who had her before. But she was to afraid to trust anyone. She was afraid of being hurt. I could not begin to grasp living your life in that kind of fear, but that is exactly what Star had done.
Lord help her through this. Help Star make it through this. She is so scared, and she doesn’t deserve to live in this kind of fear. No one should have to live in this kind of fear.After several hours we were finally allowed to go in and see Star, who was in recovery. I did not know what to do or say to her. I wanted to do something to make her believe everything was going to be okay. But Star was not going to buy that easily, she was so hardened to life. My sister deserved better though and I was going to do my best to care for her to show her that people really did care. I knew deep down she wanted to believe that, but she just did not know how to experience anything but pain. Such a sad way to have to live life.
Lord we take so much for granted here, so much of everyday things. I feel stupid for every time I got mad because I could not have the latest cell phone, or computer, or whatever, when Star was simply struggling to survive. Forgive me for being so self centered. I can not believe I cried for such petty things when Star was wondering if she was going to be hurt again, when she wondered if they would allow her to eat. I feel so selfish Lord, forgive me for being that way. I guess we don’t appreciate what we have until we have someone come into our lives who knew nothing but heartache and pain.
“Yes we will. I think we should call Dad and tell him Stars out of surgery. “ Star had been to afraid to have my Father near so he had respected that. In time I prayed she would see what a good man our Father was.
“We will do our best to get her through this.” Mom said finally breaking the silence.“I don’t know Hope, I pray she doesn’t, but she might.”“Do you think that Star is going to close herself in again after all of this?” I asked my Mother.