Stars Blog/Facing Fears
I feel like I just woke up from some nightmare. I almost closed down this blog because of it, but my family told me I should keep it going. It could put them in danger but they are willing to risk it, because they feel God is calling me to tell my story. It’s not an easy story to tell, and in some ways I feel like I am living it all over again.
The monster I thought was dead, is likely alive.
That’s right, my birth father is alive. I did not expect things to turn out like this, but the “Aunt and Uncle.” Who came to visit me is not who I thought they were at least I don’t think they are. In fact they up and took off with Feresheteh, in the middle of the night, no one saying anything, and their actions were just weird.
Now I am getting strange threatening emails. I haven’t told anyone about those yet, but it’s out now.
I just wish this was all a nightmare, but it’s real. I am not going to wake up from this no matter how hard I try. I have to have faith though, faith that no matter what the good Lord is here, but sometimes I am so scared. I don’t know if I am coming or going. I do not want to live like this, I want to live for Jesus, and I don’t know how I am going to do that if I am continually living in a fear.
I guess I just need to stop letting the fear eat me alive. I have to remind myself that I am not that little girl anymore who can be bullied by a monster. He doesn’t have that control over me anymore. I know that now, but still I am afraid of him. I guess I have reason to be seeing the things he had done before.
I know it’s horrible to say, but I wish his death hadn’t been a lie. I wish he had really died that day I came home to find everyone gone, and army men there telling me my parents had died. My life would be so much easier if that were true , but no matter how hard I try to believe I am having some elaborate nightmare I know it’s more than that.
As a little girl I was so afraid of him, but as a little girl I didn’t have Jesus in my heart. I have more power now knowing that I have a Lord who loves me no matter what.
And no matter what the Baxters are my parents, and Hope is my sister. I do not care that they did not give birth to me they are the best parents a person could ask for. Hope is a wonderful sister and no one is going to take that away from me. I know he will try though, he will try to hurt them and make me watch.
Them being hurt scares me more than anything. I do not want my family hurt, and they are just that too my family. I mean they were the first people who showed me love, told me that I was worthy. They did not think I was dirty from all that happened to me, and they made me see none of this was my fault.
For a long time I had blamed myself for the things that had happened to me. I had thought I was broken, damaged goods because of what had happened to me. Now that I find out he’s alive those feelings try sneaking back, but I won’t let them come back. No child, no person deserves to be treated the way I was treated. I know that now.
I can’t let him make me think I am dirty, because God does not judge me that way, and my faith is in God and Jesus. I have more power in knowing that than I do in this monsters lies, and I have to believe that the Lord is going to protect us. I could not stand to see my family hurt.
Yet I am frightened, and I fear that weakens my faith. I haven’t felt this frightened since I was under his grasp. Always when I wasn’t being hurt, sitting in the corner of a dark dingy room, waiting for what was going to come, wondering if he would feed me. I was lucky to eat, and when I was fed it was often the slop even the animals would not eat.
No wonder I was made to feel unworthy. I was treated like an animal by this monster, and when a child is told that they are an animal when they are treated like one, they tend to deserve they deserve it.
No wonder it took me so long to believe that I was worthy. I was told over and over again by the Baxters, by my parents, by my family that I was worthy. It took them a lot of positive reinforcement but I finally stopped believing that I was to blame what happened to me in the past. It took me a while to see that no child deserves this, and I am not going to allow myself to go back to that place. He is not going to get that control over me anymore. I am not going to let that happen.
I just worry about what this monster will try. I cannot let this fear have the power over me though, because if it does I might be letting the monster win.
I guess I better go…