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After The Pain is Gone....
By Veronica D Williams
Monday, November 12, 2007
Rated "R" by the Author.
Shyria short story is the beginning of a book to be born. Her story will tell you of the many challenges and obstacles she has faced in her quest to find self fulfillment and peace in her life. Shyria will share with you her tales of pain and heartbreak, learning and living and her tales of looking for love in all the wrong places. Shyria will take you on a journey into a world that many young, African-American woman share, and excite you with her strength to press on and find the ultimate love of her life.
After The Pain is Gone….
Shyria set on her bed and glared at the ceiling. “Life” she thought aloud, “can be so overwhelming and the battles never seem to come to a cease”. Where is the Peace? How do you find it, she wondered? In Church the Pastor often speaks of seeking Peace within God. This is what Shy found so truly unique about religion, the seeking answers, not asking questions and trusting in His Word. At church just that morning, the Pastor spoke and said, “Seek and find God—only then will you have the Peace you seek within.” With that being said, Shy questioned herself, “then why the storms, why the battles, why the constant fight for everyday life, why so much pain, heartache, suffering—where do you find the calm? Where are you Father, I am calling, do you hear me?”
Three Years Earlier
It was Saturday morning and Shy was turning over in the bed to a mean hangover. Shit got wild at that club last night and she had not gotten in until sunup. Inside of her head, over the pounding of too many vodkas, she heard a small voice reminding her of her fun on the night before. “Wow, last night was a blast!!” Smiling to herself, she thought aloud, “Oh, shit..I met this nigga last night….mmhm…he was looking goood! Did we…na, but I was riding that thang like it was mine, damn, he was hangin! Mama, tried to warn me about those country boys.” Shy laughed, her Mom was always so funny when it came to talking about men, sometimes Shyria thought her mom was some type of former pimp in disguise, but she new better, she watched Mama go through some stuff with men—hell, it was where Shy learned it all from. “Mama, don’t take no mess!” Ha, neither did daughter!
Shy rolled out the bed and decided it was time for her to shower and get ready to face the day. “Damn, she thought, I got to go in and they gone be looking at me and shit, I know they gone be all up in my face.” Shy knew her Supervisor had been watching her, she had been coming in late on Mondays for the past month or so. She knew that she was on the point of being fired, but of course this would not be the first time. Shy thought to herself how many jobs she had lost in the past year. Shit, being in college full time and working full time was a bitch. She had managed to hold on to this job for four months, and she wasn’t trying to lose it. Shy knew she had big dreams and was trying to accomplish her goals but at the same time, she had to get her groove on, sometimes. That was her problem, she liked to get her groove on, a little too much.
As she stepped out the shower she glanced in the mirror. She admired her body, and thought about Dude from the club last night. She felt a tingle between her legs, and smiled, then she popped herself on the forehead and said real loud with a hunger in her voice, “What the hell was his name, I forgot.” Shy fell on the bed and let out a wail. She was beginning to feel some of the pressure ease off of her head and she could remember more of what went down last night at the club. He was sexy, I mean sexy with two xx’s, he was tall about 6’6, slim but toned in the right places, he had beautiful eyes, like a doe’s, with the longest black eyelashes you ever seen. Mm, shy thought aloud, “Them motha fuckin eyes” Shy knew she was a sucker for a man’s eyes if they spoke to her, and bra’s eye’s were screaming at her! She knew she wanted him from the time she seen him across the floor. He was standing there chilln’ with his boys, smiling and cheesen like life was good. Yeah, and Shy wanted a taste of his life. He was just her flava, his clothes were right, his fade was right, his smile was right, and judging by his jewels, his pockets were damn straight! Shy gave him her “Special Smile”, the one reserved for the few men she meets who really turn her on.
“Damnnnn…I cannot remember his name!” Shy let out a growl, and bounced off of her bed to get prepared for work. Shy turned on her closet light and glanced around the closet to see what she was wearing that day. “Today feels like a pantsuit day”, she mumbled. Shy was feeling sexy after last night, and the lust from Dream Guy caused her to need something touching her curves on her body. Shy selected a pale blue House of Dereon two piece pantsuit. She had gotten it in Atlanta when she went down for a big TI concert. Although her pockets were screaming don’t, the suit was so damn nice, she could not refuse. And she is happy that she didn’t, cause Girlfriend was wearing that thang like it was designed especially for her. She chose a royal blue silk Guess blouse, and her royal blue patent leather belt, bag and shoes courtesy of Prada, and accessorized with pale blue pearls and bracelet. She decided she would pull her hair back into a bun, with a few wisps hanging in the front, not a good hair day, but definitely suggesting something to the brotha’s passing buy. Hmm, she looked in the mirror and felt damn good about herself, now if this brotha’ just call me and tell me his name!
When Shy arrived at work it was about 10:15, she slipped past her Supervisor’s door and snuck into her cubicle, she hated that she had to pass the bitch’s desk to get to her own. As she was just about to boot her pc, Ms. Snooty Boodie appeared. She just stared at Shy with a “late again” look on her face. Shy, who was not shy at all, rebutted with a, “What’s up Sherrie?” Sherrie looked Shy up and down and responded “Meet me in my office, Ms. Harris, now.” And turned and switched away. Shy got up from her seat hesitantly, thinking to herself this is the third time this month she has said something, she was about to give me the ax for real. As Shy followed Sherrie down the hall to her office, she could not help but to look at Sherries back side. The bitch truly had to be miserable, no shape at all, no ass, no hips, no curves, just one, big back. “I know that is why she is so edgy, she ain’t getting none from nobody”, Shy mumbled to herself. Shy couldn’t help but to laugh inside. Sherrie was funny, always mean mugging Shy and Taffi, Taffi was the Office Manager, and her and Sherrie did not get along at all. As Shy took a seat, Sherrie was already seated glaring at Shy with a look to kill in her eyes. Sherrie started off by pushing a letter in front of her and asked Shy to review it. As Shy was reviewing the letter she realized she was being given a written warning for excessive tardiness, and by not adhering to company policy and notifying her immediate supervisor if she was going to be out of work or late. Sherrie had even went as far as to put, if Shy was late again or failed to contact her personally, no voice mail messages, but personally, she would be terminated. Shit….Sherrie was giving Shy another chance…to blow it that is, but Shy signed the letter anyway and made a mental note to buy the Sunday’s paper on her way home that evening, she would be needing another gig soon. Shy asked Sherrie if there was anything else she needed and Sherrie said no, with no smile. Shy excused herself and returned to her cube. As she went to put her things away she noticed she had missed two calls on her cell, but there was no message. She looked at the numbers and they were listed as caller unknown. She thought to herself who could that be and she sat thinking for a minute. Then she heard her girl Taffi walk up behind her, “What’s up, hoe?” Shy turned around and seen her friends smiling face and they greeted each other with a hug. Taffi was laughing under her breath pointing at Shy as if Shy should be shamed by something. Shy asked Taffi, “What, what I do?” in a low tone, that only sistahs share when something has went down and they need to tell one another in their code. Taffi pointed at Sherrie’s office and covered her mouth up, laughing, whispering, “She was mad at you.” Sherrie then cleared her throat, and said aloud, “You want to go get coffee?” Both ladies picked up the cue to escape the office so they could talk, as they did they grabbed their bags so they could have a smoke while out. When they got safely in the elevator, Taffi started “Bitch she was heated, everybody came in late, even the damn lady who runs the courier service. She was so fucking heated, I think she was more mad at you though, cuz least we got here before nine-thirty, yo trifling ass didn’t get here until 10:00, no 10:15, you crazy hoe, I swear you do not want to pay yo bills!” Shy couldn’t help but to ask Taffi about last night, Taffi had went to the club with her and did not get as wasted as Shy did. Taffi exploded with laughter when Shy asked her because she could not wait to tell her friend how loose she had gotten with Dude from the club. Taffi told Shy how her and old boy looked like they wanted to get a room and go eat each other up. Taffi also told Shy that she thought that dude was really feeling her, Shy rubbed her breast and laughed softly, whispering to Taffi in a suggestive voice, “I know, I was so feeling him, even this morning when I woke up, I felt his touch, but I can’t remember his fucking name!” Taffi laughed and said, “Que, dumb ass, you don’t remember us laughing like hell in his face when he told us his name, Que, Mr. Big Baller Que.” Taffi looked at her friend and seen the glow in her eyes, she did not have the heart to tell her friend what she really thought of Que, he was definitely a no-no nigga. Taffi had dated a guy like him before, and it wasn’t nothing but trouble, he was the biggest liar and cheater she had ever met, and she did not care to meet one of his caliber again. Taffi did not want to sound like she was hatin’ so she kept her thoughts secret, and said, “He is fine as hell though.” Shy agreed, and asked Taffi what she thought for real about Que. Taffi responded and said she thought he would be a good dude to date and get to know, she could not resist but to give her friend some advice and threw in a “but be careful Shy girl, take your time, there are other fish in the sea.”
Shy laid on the couch and reviewed the help wanted ads. She circled a couple of prospects and promised she’d fax them her resume. She was tired from the night before and just wanted to shower and relax. As she got up to prepare for bed she heard her phone ringing, she had told Taffi to call her later, but she did not feel like talking right now, she vowed to call her friend back after she got settled in bed. As she took her shower she replayed last night again in her head, wow, his name is “Que”, why, did he tell me he folk’s called him that? She couldn’t remember much in the way of conversation, so she just focused on the physical attention he provided to her. She was caught up already, what if they started dating then what? She promised after Rakeem there was not going to be another that she loved. Shit, Rakeem was enough. He rocked her world, but he was immature and liked to fight. Shy was not into that whole men beating women stunts, an argument here and there she could tolerate, but fighting, na, that was for weak minded woman. And Shy knew one thing, her mind was not weak, at least that is what she thought.
Shy could remember how Ra would come home and just pick a fight. Shy thought the man had real mental health issues, because he would always want to have sex after they fought. Ra was a Playa. He had no respect for women. Shy learned this too late in the relationship though. By the time she figured out that Ra had the issues he did she was already “dick-ma-tized”. The man had it going on in the bedroom, but when it came to being a real man, that is where he fell short. Shy realized that Ra had serious issues paying bills and keeping his word. This is where the fights came in. Shy was an independent woman who took care of herself. She was raised with the knowledge that there was nothing that she could not do for herself, and that was handed down by dear ole’ Nana. Shy had no problems with paying her own way, but when Ra moved in she thought that this gave her an opportunity to save some money and get her credit together. Her dream was to buy a house in the country, but she soon realized that this dude was on another page. Shy found herself still paying all the bills, buying the groceries and taking care of Ra’s ass. Shy and Ra were always arguing over money. Ra would come in dressed fresh to death with new shoes and new gear, and always asking to “let me hold something till tomorrow.” At first Shy would lend Ra money, but he never paid her back and took for granted because she was independent with a good job, she did not really need it. This was bad. This caused Shy to have to start borrowing money from friends and family, what she did not like to ever do, and caused her to begin to go into debt.
Ra had a funny way about him that turned Shy off. Shy loved Ra, but she knew he was immature and did not like to accept responsibility. Ra would start arguments when he knew he was wrong and blame Shy for things that were not true . Shy grew to resent Ra and even his lovemaking began to make her sick. Their relationship was hard to end, and Shy blamed herself because she had gotten so used to him being there, it was hard to let go, even though she knew that the relationship was unhealthy. Ra never really hit Shy, but he liked to rough her up and hold her down. This was still domestic violence and it was disrespectful to Shy as well. Shy felt as if she were a Queen and she knew she deserved the highest regards and respect. She always felt so unappreciated with Ra, and she thought he took advantage of her kindness. Many nights after he would rob her soul, she would lie in the bed and cry, wishing she knew how to separate the lust from the love. Shy didn’t end it until one evening Ra did not come home. Shy tossed and turned all night, loosing countless hours of sleep. Shy kept calling Ra’s phone and he did not pick up at all. Shy left messages on his voice mail and texted him several times, but there was no response. Not picking up his phone was nothing new, but not coming home, this was something he had never done before. Shy felt terrible inside and cried all night. She cried more out of anger and frustration with herself than at him though. Shy felt used, and she hated herself for ever loving Ra at all. She blamed herself for giving up her body, soul and mind to someone who was so not deserving. She had sensed that he cheated and even had caught telephone numbers and messages on his phone, but he always convinced her that they were just “girls” and assured her that she was the only one for him. Shy never really fell for it, and she promised to always stay on her toes with Ra, but this was different, he had came home many late nights, but never all night. Shy knew deep inside that it was over. She wanted answers, she had so many questions, the one that screamed in her head the most was “why”, but didn’t she already know that answer? She had allowed this to happen, she did not demand the respect she should have received from him, it was her fault, that was the answer to the “why”, she did it to herself. But she knew she was done with Ra, he had taken disrespect to another level, and this was something he would not be able to talk his way through.
When Ra came home the next morning, it was about 8:30 am. Shy was at the kitchen table drinking her morning coffee and reading scriptures from the Bible, this was always her morning ritual, to begin the day with her Father, this was her anecdote for peace and positivity in a never ending negative world. But Ra could not even look her in her eyes. He came into the room and mumbled something like “what up”, and went to the bedroom. Shy sat for a moment and gave thanks to God. She wanted so badly not to get upset and she wanted to be a pioneer and just not say anything, but his non-chalant way of coming in without saying more than, “what’s up”, agitated her to invite him to a challenge. When Shy entered the bedroom, Ra was laying across the bed watching the morning news, he still had his shoes and jacket on as if he knew he was going to be leaving again. Shy asked him what was up and he kept looking at the TV, and mumbled “not much”. Still without looking at her. Shy then asked him again, and he did not respond, this was pissing Shy off and she wasn’t feeling like playing no games with him, she felt her blood pressure rising and she knew she was about to blow. Shy sat on the edge of the bed, and she looked into Shy’s face, he kept his eyes focused on the TV and would not look back at her, he glanced up every now and then, but his look was more like he was looking through her and not at her. Shy knew it was over, and instead of asking any more questions, that is exactly what she said, “Ra, it’s over, I want you to get your shit and get the fuck out of my crib.” When she said this, Ra gave her the look again and said, “Fuck You, I aint going no where.” Shy could not believe her ears, she stood up and put her hand on her hips and went into bitch mode. She told him to leave immediately and called him every low down nasty name she could think of, but still nothing. Ra just lay on the bed and stared at the TV like Shy was not talking to him at all. Shy went to pick up the phone and told him she was calling 911 to have the police to put him out, as she dialed the numbers, Ra got up and snatched the phone from her hands and hit her in the mouth. He began screaming and went into a rage tearing down shelves from the walls, breaking precious artifacts that her family members had brought to her from trips around the world. Shy began to cry and scream at Ra, but he grabbed her and held her down on the bed and told her he would kill her if she ever left him. Ra put his hand over Shy’s mouth and all Shy could do was cry, tears streamed down her face as the pain raged through her body, feeling as if her heart and soul were being torn out by his demonic spirits. Ra stared into Shy’s eyes and told her he loved her and only her and that he was never leaving. Shy shook her head and said no over and over again, she felt as if she was fighting for her life. But she was immobilized and did not have any strength to move him off of her. She laid there, lifeless, and he just lay on top of her holding her in silence. Shy seen tears fall from his eyes and he laid his head on top of hers and kissed her on the cheeks and forehead, saying “I love you” after each peck. Shy cried uncontrollably, all she wanted was to be free from the bondage Ra had put on her heart and life, she no longer loved or wanted his love, she just wanted him to go. Ra laid on Shy for what seemed to be hours, and eventually he asked her what she wanted him to do? He removed his hands from her mouth and she said, “Just leave.” He got up and got his duffle bag out of the closet and began to pack his things. Shy watched him and cried from the agony of heartbreak and deceit. It hurt Shy more that things had to end this way, with lies cheating and deception, instead of Ra standing up and being the man that he should have been long ago. It hurt that this black man was incapable of loving and receiving love and that he had no respect for himself or anyone else. It hurt that somehow, he seemed ok with leaving after he had violated the woman he said he loved and adored. It hurt, that this was not the first time that Shy’s heart had been broken, not the first time she had given herself to a man who lacked appreciation and respect for her genuiness and loyalty, it hurt that this was not how God said love should be and that this man had no remorse for his actions. It hurt that he could walk out and that she could not, because she was independent and this was her home and it contained all that she had worked for in her life. It hurt that he had ruined beautiful art that her family had carefully selected just for her, and that she would probably never get them back again. It hurt because it was love gone bad. It hurt because it was supposed to. It hurt because this is what men can do and get away with it.
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