I miss having my baby boy here.  I miss his laughter, his smell, his very exsistance, but caring for him got to be too much for me to handle, so Manjeet (husband) and myself made the painful decision to have him placed into a home for severely disabled children.

Sanjeet is no longer a baby: he is a big boy of seven.  If  he were able, he would be enrolled in school, but alas, his brain is too damaged for him to allow such luxuries ... instead, he whiles his days away at the Home, where others tend to his needs (bathing, dressing/undressing, feeding, changing him).  

Six years. Six years since The Accident that changed our world (and especially Sanjeet's) forever.  It just doesn't seem possible ... 

How I wish we could have the old Sanjeet back: he would have probably been a budding scientist, math instructor, or even a champion speller ... instead, we have a child who is unable to do anything for himself but move his head, blink/roll his eyes, wave his arms and legs, and smile (or grimace, depending on mood).

To see Sanjeet this way is like a new stab to the heart; I especially grieve for my child because I remember how he was prior to the Accident, and I know that my little boy will never learn to sit up, walk, talk, throw a ball, write, or even read.  He will never learn to drive a car or experience things like his first date, his first kiss, graduating from high school, joining the military, getting married, or having a family ....

It makes me sad because I think I could have done something to prevent the accident from happening; I still blame myself six years later.

It is nice, though, to have time for my husband (when he's not working that is) and daughter, and to do things together as a family, but not having Sanjeet with us makes us feel only partially complete; it is not the same without my son.  I still carry these bags of guilt and shame and really have no way to rid myself of them.

I have not yet made the commitment to accept Christ as my Savior.  I have thought about it, but it's still rather confusing at times.  I want to accept Him, but the truth is, I'm just too scared to.  I'm afraid my family will disown me if I accepted Jesus into my heart; my family (as well as Manjeet's) have always been very strong in their Hindi beliefs.

If I could take away Sanjeet's pain and suffering, oh, how I woul do so in a heartbeat!  I want my little boy back, the laughing, singing, joyful, jumping, active little child he was prior to his accidental hanging!!  Is that just too much to ask???

~Aasha.  :(