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Paul Francis Mc Cann

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Fibber And The After Life
By Paul Francis Mc Cann
Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Rated "PG" by the Author.

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Story of how things could be on the other side

Fibber And The After Life

By Paul McCann

It was a cold rainy afternoon and Fibber had just got paid . After counting up his out goings on his fingers and thumbs he subtracted that from his pay and worked out what was left . With the extra hours he had done Fibber had some extra money this week so he decided to call into the department store on the way home and buy a new coat . As he walked along the footpath he stepped around puddles left by the rain . Stepping inside Eze Breeze Super Store Fibber tried to avoid the small army of shop assistants who immediately came to welcome him into the store . All to no avail however Fibber was cornered by six over friendly underpaid shop assistants in the menswear section .

He gave in and allowed one of them to bring some coats for his approval .

In the end Fibber was glad of the help because the staff managed to find him a coat that was reduced to half price of the original cost which was Forty Pounds . After paying for the coat he thought to himself ,

Yes , I’ve enough for a pint at Mc Gees and they can all see the new coat .

He made a fast exit out of Ezi Breeze store and was soon walking through Mc Gees front door . He walked slowly to the bar like a fashion model on a catwalk where he ordered a pint and then went to a centre table where he could be seen by everyone in the bar . He placed his glass on the table and slowly took off his coat hanging it on the back of the chair , Then he gave the barman a shout ,

“Topper . Keep your eye on my pint and new coat .I have to use the toilet.”

Topper gave a lazy wave and Fibber went to the toilet .

After a few moments Fibber returned to discover his drink had been drunk and the coat was gone .

“Hey Topper, what’s going on ,I told you to watch my pint and my new coat ,.”

“I did but you’re woman came and took it home for you and finished your pint .

Fibber was somewhere between distraction and disbelief and said .

”What woman ?

Topper replied ,

“Your wife .

“I have no wife ,she divorced me years ago .“

Topper looked to the ceiling and said

“Well how would I have known that .Fibber , sorry about that .
“Your sorry , how do you think I feel . You know what , see I just forked out half a weeks wages on that coat .

Fibber put the head down and walked out of Mc Gees . On the way home he went to the gas company to pay his gas bill . The salesman greeted Fibber

“What’s wrong Fibber , You look upset , Is everything ok ?

He replied ,

“Some dirty good for nothing thief of a woman has just stole my new leather coat . I’ve just bought it no more than a half an hour ago . It cost me twenty pounds . How am I ever going to keep warm and dry now ?”

The postal worker responded ,

“Fibber do you believe in God ?“

“Of course I believe in God but what’s that got to do with it . How’s that ever going to get my coat back ?”

The postal worker looked into Fibbers eyes and said

“I want you to go home and write God a letter . Tell him exactly what happened and how much you spent on the coat and if you believe in God , you’ll get your money back .“

Fibber thought for a moment and said

“Well I suppose I have nothing to loose . Ok , I’ll do what you said .”

That night before going to bed Fibber started to write a letter .

“Dear God ,

Its me , Fibber and I’m just after loosing my new leather coat that cost me twenty pounds . Some sleazy sneaky woman had just walked into to Mc Gees bar there as I was relieving myself in the toilet and she just grabbed my new coat from the chair . How can I ever keep warm on the cold nights ahead .

Can you please get me the money back I spent as soon as possible .

Thank you God ,

Yours Sincerely ,

or maybe I should say yours faithfully ,

Fibber Fusco McFadden .

He put the letter into an envelope and wrote To God in bid letters on the envelope . Then before going to bed Fibber walked to the post office and dropped the letter into the box .

That night as the mail sorters were going through the postal articles one of them came across this letter addressed to God and as he was from the well to do side of the city he decided that he would to open it .

As he read the contents he shouted out to all of his work colleagues ,

‘Listen to this everybody , Fibber McFadden had his new twenty pound coat stolen this afternoon in Mc Gees . That’s a terrible thing to have happened .Why don’t we all put something in and see how much we can collect and on my way home from work I’ll drop it off in that envelope , I know where Fibber lives . I’m sure that’s bound to cheer him up “

Everyone agreed and 18 pounds was raised between all the postal workers . So as promised on the way home , the post office worker slipped the letter with thirty eight pounds in it under Fibbers door .

When morning came Fibber got out of bed and on his way to the kitchen he saw the letter lying there at the front door and rushed over to open it up .

He could hardly believe his eyes when he counted out 18 pounds and shouted

“Thank you God for getting me my money back ,“

that morning Fibber went back to the gas company to tell what happened .

The salesman there greeted Fibber again before saying ,

“Good morning Mr McFadden , did you do what I told you ?”

Fibber smiled and then replied ,

I did and sure enough this morning I got 18 pounds back .“

The worked looked a little concerned and said ,

“But didn’t you say it was twenty pounds that the coat cost “

Fibber replied ,

“I did , but you know what those thieving bastards in the post office are like :”

With that he left and made his way back to Ezi Breeze Department store where to his surprise the same coat was reduced again to ten pounds .

Now with his new coat again and enough for a few pints Fibber walked back to Mc Gees where he again slowly paraded the new coat as he walked up to the bar where he ordered a pint . He could feels the eyes on him as he stood waiting for the barman to fill his glass . After taking a seat and sipping on his beer he took a coaster from the table a wrote down a message ,

“this coat belongs to me . Do not touch it .

Signed - Champion boxer , Fists McFadden‘

Then he told the barman to keep an eye ion his coat and drink while he went to the toilet . When Fibber returned from the gents he saw that his coat was gone and his glass was empty and on the other side ot the drink coaster somebody had written a message

“Thanks for the coat .“

Signed – Champion Runner – Flash Flanagan .

Fibber screamed out to the barman ,

“Hey Topper where’s my coat and drink gone . I told you to keep an eye on them .“

The barman replied ,

“I was Fibber but this woman came in and took your coat .She said she was your Mother In Law and that you knew she was taking your coat as she had to do some alterations to it and that you could pick up your coat at her house later on.. She’s just after leaving out that door just a second ago . ”

‘I’ll fix her game .“

screamed Fibber who rushed out the door . As he stood on the pavement he had a scout around , then he seen them . He could hardly believe his eyes for there they were . The two of them just across the road waving . It was his Ex-wife Fiona and the Ex-Mother in law , Sour-Face Flanagan .

Fibber couldn’t control his anger as he seen them both wearing his leather coats . In a fit of rage and without looking , he ran straight on to the road and right in front of a number 89 double Decker bus that collected and killed him instantly .

When Decker opened his eyes he found he was sitting there waiting with lots of people he knew outside the gates of Hell . Two of them were wearing his leather coats . He looked angrily at his ex wife and his ex Mother in-Law and before he could speak , they said

“It was just a joke Fibber we never meant any harm . When we saw you were hit by the bus we came running to see if you were ok and both of us ran straight in front of a truck that took us both . So here we are the three of us .“

Fibber was just about to give then a piece of his mind when old Nick approached them with his pitchfork and the Hades admission book . He looked at the three of them and checked his book , then asked them all for their names .

They all spoke at once I’m Fibber , I’m Fiona his Ex and I’m Mrs Flanagan his Ex Mother in Law . Nick checked his list a number of times and said .

“I’d like to welcome you all to the pits of hell where you are going to spend a lot of time

weeping and gnashing your teeth .“

Mrs Flanagan replied ,

“But I don’t have any teeth .“

Old Nick replied .

“Teeth will be provided .“

Fiona began weeping and wailing ,

”Oh Mr D , you wouldn’t like it when I start weeping . I would put your head away . Just ask Fibber he’ll tell you . All our married life I made his life Hell

if you excuse the pun .“.

Fibber then said

“ Never a true r word had she ever spoke Nick . The thing is Mr Beelzebub , there must be some mistake , could you check your books again . I’ve never done anybody any harm and maybe somebody has put my name by mistake in your books . I’m not the only Fibber m there’s lots of Fibbers in the world could you just check once more time , my name is Frankie Junior , Alias Fibber Fusco McFadden . “

Old Nick looked at the three of them and stuck his pitchfork into the ground and opened up the book again . He ran his finger up and down some opf the pages and after a few moments he said .

“I don’t know how this has happened but going by the information in this book there seems to be a small discrepancy between the temptations I send and the amount of sins you all actually committed . You have all been given the right to one interview at the Gates up there instead . So there is just a slight chance that you might not have to stay here with me forever , which I’m not very happy about . However if Peter , who has the keys to the other place decides to send you back to me , then I’m going to really turn up the heat .“

Mrs Flanagan , shouted ,

“So you mean we’re free to go .“

Nick took his pitchfork and pointed to a door and said .

:”Go through that door , and take the lift to the second floor , but remember , I’ll be here waiting for you top return .“

Then Nick disappeared in a puff of smoke .

The three of them made there way to the lift and with the push of a button the door of the lift opened and there they all were standing outside the Pearly Gates .

“St Peter stood there holding an admission book to Heaven and said .

“What is your name and what do you want ?”

Fibber spoke first ,

“My name is Fibber and I want to come into the Kingdom where I can live peacefully forever more .“

St Peter replied

“That’s a great answer Fibber but there is a few things you need to do before that can happen . First go through that narrow door over there . The door with Men’s Only section and wait there with the rest of the men .“

“Right then OK , St Peter . I’ll do that “.

Then off went Fibber .

St Peter looked at the two women standing there and opened the book ,

Then he said

“Nice leather coats , tell me where on earth did you get those ?“

Fiona spoke

‘They actually they were a gift from my ex husband St Peter .“

Mrs Flanagan also seconded that ,

“That’s right St Peter they were a gift .“

St Peter replied ,

“In the record of events here it says that both of you took the coats without permission . is that true ?”

“Well it is and it isn’t n see St Peter . Himself and I were married for many years and all that time he had promised to buy me a new coat and he never did . He also promised my dear Mother here exactly the same . So we were just , taking what we were promised .”

Mrs Flanagan nodded in agreement

“And people should never make promises they can’t keep , so we were actually doing him a favour . We never wanted him to have to carry the debt of a broken promise .“

ST Peter smiled at them both and said

“Well come with me .”

He took the keys from his pocket and opened up the pearly gates .”

The two women made their way through the gates and stood there upon a very long road that seemed to stretch for an eternity .

Mrs Flanagan looked up at St Peter and said

“Is this heaven , Are we the only ones here ?”

St Peter pointed to the road and said ,

“It’s a long walk to the Kingdom . Watch the ducks .”

Then he left them .

The both started walking along the road .

Fiona said ,

“What did he mean about watching for ducks ? “

Suddenly a little duck ran straight in front of them and Mrs Flanagan stepped on it and killed it . That very instant St Peter appeared and said .

“I told you to watch the ducks . Now look what you’ve done . That’s a dead duck there .“

Mrs Flanagan replied

“Sorry about that but it was an accident . Promise it won’t happen again .“

St Peter gave a loud whistle and along came this horrible looking monster of a man with an unshaven face and reeking of smelly odour . He had boils on his face and water dribbling form his nose and mouth . St Peter produced a set of golden handcuffs and put one on Mrs Flanagan wrist and the other on the hideous man creature and said ,

“I told you to watch the ducks so for not doing as I asked you too , I am going to chain you to him for an eternity . Off you go .“

So off along the road went Mrs Flanagan and her awfully unattractive partner on the road to spend an eternity chained together .

After that Fiona was so frightened of stepping on a duck she carefully took each step slowly and surely along the road making sure to keep an eye out

for the ducks .

Mean while back in the Men’s Only Section at the Pearly Gates , Fibber was standing among a multitude of men waiting for their instructions .

St Peter stood in front of all the men and said ,

“Ok I’m going to ask all you men that were henpecked or nagged by their wives or girl friends to all stand over there to the far left . “

Every single man , bar one, moved over to the left .

St Peter was intrigued and pointed to the lonely figure standing there saying ,

“Hey what are you doing there standing all on your own ?”

The man there nervously replied .

“Well , you see , the wife had told me to .“

St Peter answered ,

“I see . Ok . Well now is your time to stand in line with all the other men . So move over there to the left . “

After he did that St Peter address all the men saying .

“One by one all of you must go into the room I will show you and inside the room you’ll find a black board and some chalk . So what I need you all to do is to write down all your sins on the blackboard for me to double check from the list I have , Then after carefully considering what can and cannot be forgiven , some will be erased from the list .

The next process after that , will be the short list selection of the chosen few who will be permitted to walk the road to the Kingdom . All those selected will have a stamp of approval placed on their foreheads to separate them from the rest who might try to sneak through the Pearly Gates to Paradise Road .

So the first man went into the room to write down all his sins .

It took him a long while however eventually he came from the room and St Peter asked him ,

“Well have you finished writing down your sins ?:”

The man replied ,

“No I need another piece of chalk .“

So St Peter provided more chalk and the man returned to the room .

After another long wait the man retuned and said ,

I’ve finished now .“

St Peter called the next man forward , who happened to be Fibber .

St Peter looked at him and said ,

“ Ok . Your turn now . Go write down all your sins and come back . “

Fibber went into room and took even longer that the first man . When he finally came out of the room St Peter said .

“So do you need another piece of chalk ?”

Fibber replied .

‘No I need another blackboard .”

St Peter took Fibber to another room and said

“Ok go in there . You’ll find another blackboard and some chalk in there .

Just continue to write down your sins and when you’ve finished come out and let me know . It took a long time but at last Fibber finished writing down all his sins . St Peter looked at him and told him he was unconditionally approved for a forehead stamp . So he could now return to the Pearly Gates and wait .

Meanwhile back on the road to Heaven Fiona was still very carefully walking along the road to the kingdom of Heaven . Looking for ducks before she took each step . Suddenly St Peter appeared before her and whistled out .

Along the road came this beautiful six foot tall blue eyed , well toned muscular man with and brown tanned skin and smelling of sweet perfume . St Peter produced a set of golden handcuffs and put one of them on Fiona and the other on this Adonis like creature and said ,

“Ok well done . You’ve been very careful and watched for the ducks . So as a reward you are going to be chained forever to this handsome man for an eternity . Now off you both go on the road . ”

With that St Peter disappeared .

Fiona stood there on the road looking up at her beautiful partner . She was goosepimply and googly eyed and said to him ,

“So what did you do ?“

He looked down at her and said .

“I stepped on a duck .“

Then off they both went walking along the road to heaven .

After a long while walking on the road Fiona and Mrs Flanagan were not making much progress . Shackled by the wrist to their partners every step was a struggle and the complaining never ceased . St Peter had been watching from afar and could see how unfair it was to chain the unhappy couples for eternity and he had a change of heart and decided that it might be best to remove the handcuffs and set free those who were not matched ; much to the relief of those hard done bys who would have never been happy in Heaven with a relationship bound by the wrong kind of ties .

Back at the Pearly Gates , Fibber was approved for the forehead stamp and was soon on the road to heaven . Along the way there Fibber met an angel who said he could answer any questions he might have . Fibber asked the angel what the difference was between Heaven and the other place . So the angels took Fibber to two rooms . One had a sign Heavens Dining Room and the other had a sign , Hells Dining Room . The angel asked Fibber which of the two rooms he wanted to see first , so Fibber said the dining room in Heaven .

Inside Heavens dining room people sat at a very long table with lots of food on plates . The strange thing was that no cutlery was provided and the people at table fed each other as they talked quietly to one another .

When the angel opened the door to the dining room in Hell , there were a lot of people sitting together and in front of them , sat various plates with all kinds of food . The same scenario presented itself there with no cutlery . The difference was that all the people at table sat there staring at the food and arguing with one another .

The angel looked at Fibber and said ,

“So as you can see the difference is that in Heaven everyone helps each

other and gets along well where in Hell no one is happy and they cannot help one another . Does that answer your question ?”

Fibber replied ,

“It does .“

“Have you any other questions ?”

The angel asked .

Fibber replied

”Will I have my own house when I get to heaven .?”

“The house that you will have waiting for you all depends on the good things you did on Earth and how much help you have given to others in need .“

The angel brought Fibber back to the road and wished him a safe journey to heaven . Up the road ahead in the distance Fibber could see the Kingdom of heaven . At this point the wind began to whistle and blow and it suddenly began to snow . The temperature dropped well below freezing point and walking against the bitter icy wing became difficult . On the side of the road Fibber heard somebody calling for help .

It was his ex-wife Fiona calling ,

“fibber please help , its freezing and I can’t take another step .The Kingdom is not far away . Can you carry me the rest of the way ?”

Fibber answered ,

“Sorry I’m tired as well and have hardly the strength to lift my own feet never mind carry you .”

He passed her by and kept walking shuffling his feet as he walked .

After Fibber there was another man walking slowly , shivering with the cold and covered in snow .

Fiona called out .

‘Please help me , the Kingdom of heaven is near and I can’t take another step .

The man stopped and replied ,

‘Well I am very tired myself but I will try to help you . Get on my back and hold on tight “

She did as he asked and off they went ,. After a short while just on the outskirts of the Kingdom of Heaven they found Fibber on the side of the road who was blue and frozen stiff with frostbite . Both Fiona the man who had carried her had managed to survive the snow storm because of the bodyheat that was generated through each of them as he carried her on his back to the Kingdom .

As they entered the Kingdom of Heaven , God welcomed them home and gave each of them a key to the house where they would live .

Although Fibber had not helped Fiona she felt sorry for him and remembered how she took his coat and felt a littl3e guilty about things so she asked God if he could do anything to help Fibber who was lying as stiff as a board on the side of the road .

It made God happy to see her compassion and do he filled her heart with his love . Then he brought out the sun again to shine down upon the road outside the Kingdom . On the side of the road Fibber thawed out and started to walk again . It didn’t take long for him to be standing there before God in Heaven .

God welcomed him home and handed over a map with an address where he was allocated to live in the Kingdom . Along the way Fibber saw his ex- Mother In Law standing at the door of her new two storey home . The house sat neatly on a large parcel of land with fruit trees and flowers everywhere in the garden . Not far away he saw his ex-wife’s place . Fiona was sitting on this seat on the front veranda . The home was much smaller than Mrs Flanagan’s which made him think that Fiona hadn’t done as many good deeds on earth as her Mother did . Finally Fibber got to his address . He stood there in disbelief , checking the map a number of times .

“Where is my house and what am I supposed to do with all this timber left dumped on the ground ?”

An angel appeared and said .

‘You see all of that timber belongs to you . That is all that arrived for you .

No builders came because during your life you never helped anybody but yourself and now here nobody wants to help you ,.So its now up to you build your own house here in heaven “

“But I don’t know anything about building .”

Said Fibber and the angel replied ,

‘Well you’ve plenty of time to learn .“

Fibber looked at the angel and asked ,

“So if I had been more helpful to others on earth , my house would have been built for me here ?”

The angel said

“That’s right . “

Fibber looked a little sad and said,

”I really don’t want to spend an eternity living out in the open here . Is it possible for me to go back and try all over again . I promise I’ll do more to help people . I’ll be kind and generous to everyone I meet . I’ll help old ladies across the street . I’ll be a better man , of this I can assure you .“

The angel said ,

“You are a very lucky man because I have been told by God himself that there is one option available for you to change your circumstances in heaven and if you succeed then things here will look much better for you .“

Fibber replied ,

“Tell me Angel , what is that option . I’ll do whatever it takes .“

The angel spoke ,

‘You have to go and save someone from making the wrong choice and by doing that he will have a different life and the promise of heaven when his life is over “

Fibber said ,

“Ok I’ll do it . So who is he and what am I to do . How will I know him .“

The angel answered ,

“All your questions will be answered . Just trust , you’ll see , Now go and God be with you ..“

That very instant Fibber was taken to McGees bar where he sat with some of his friends drinking . Fibber felt at home again and with one hand in his pocket he heard the money jingle

‘Another drink for you Fibber ?”

Said Jack , an old friend who usually always paid for the drinks .

Fibber stood up and said

“I’m buying this round .“

A silent descended on the bar as Fibber walked to the bar and paid for the drink order .

“What’s got into Fibber ?”

Someone whispered .

With that a man pushed open the door of the bar and approached the bar . He produced a handgun and pointed it to the barman’s head saying ,.

“ Give me all the money in the till and all of today’s takings .“

Fibber looked at the gunman and said ,

‘Please don’t do that . Now give me that gun and walk away .“

The gunman spun around and looked at Fibber saying ,

“Who the hell do you think you’re talking to .“

Fibber replied ,

“I’m talking to you and you better listen to me for what I’m about to say to might just possibly save you from burning in the pits oh hell for an eternity .?

The gunman was struck dumb and Fibber continued to speak ,

“Remember when you were young and innocent , before that day you’re your whole world had changed and you went bad . That was not you your fault . You mustn’t blame yourself for what happened between you and your Father .

That was the way it had to be . Your father was a good man and died young because God loved him so much that he wanted to bring him home to be with him . :”

The gunman dropped his gun to the floor and said .

‘How do you know all this . I though it was my faulty he died because he left us and fell asleep in the cold .”

Fibber spoke ,

“It was no one fault . So change your thinking and your way of life now . Your Father has a home in Heaven and is waiting there to see you when the time would come .“

As the gunman walked out of the pub , he left his gun on the floor and a stunned audience of people who all applauded what had just happened .

Fibber could hear in the distance the sound of saws cutting timber and nails being hammered .

Fibber walked out of the bar with an angel and was never seen again .

That very moment Fibber stood outside a beautiful mansion house in heaven where he lived happily ever after .

The End

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Reviewed by Nickolaus Pacione 6/6/2015
Even as a Christian the way I write there are no happy endings -- but I can see where a few will get a kick out of this one. I will give you this you have a strong allegorical mental imagery with this. Cutting timber and nails hammered = building a coffin for the man. Forgive me for giving a very grim mental image but when you have written stories about being buried alive at some point you can see where that came from.
Reviewed by Ronald Hull 4/21/2015
Quite a creative story with moral messages and a lot of forgiveness. Once again, before posting, you should have someone help you edit it because there are numerous errors that slow reading what is otherwise, a very good story.


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