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Critters On The Loose
By Ryan M Balazi
Friday, April 19, 2002
Criters On The Loose
by Cousin Clem
After my little incident with Uncle Jumbo and the port-o-potty when the moon was 4 feet from it, the town is in a mess. Were being over run by the critters. (The little kids that live in the bottom of the port-o-potty) When Uncle Jumbo pulled me out of the port-o-potty, there they were. Dozens of them. There must be a secret underground community of these critters living under the port-o-potty.
It has been awful. These little critters are everywhere and there humiliating us hillbillies. They steal the clothes off our hairy backs and take all the fresh road kill. Just last week our two smartest rednecks, (who made it to the third grade) Uncle Marty and Cousin It, were out fishing and they were attacked by these critters. Here is what they had to say
Uncle Marty, "It was crazy, we were out fishin at sewer pond, mindin our own business and all of a sudden it was them. Them little critters jumped out of the bush and attacked us. There were hundreds of them. They tackled me and I went tumbling in the water. They ripped my clothes off me, took my fish, and they even took my antique pine tree fishin pole. I was sacred to death. Who knows what they were capable of doing."
Cousin It, "It was disturbing, the chicken people they found me, they want my chickens, they'll never take me alive. They stole the chickens we caught at the pond and they even took my stuffed chicken Albert. I tell you the chicken people have finaly arrived, thw town won't be safe until we get rid of them."
When outside please take caution. Below, (Which means look down Cousin Wet Willy) are some to look out for.
1. Stay away from Cousin Tom's shed. They are known to have secret meetings every night to plan out how they are going to take over the town.
2. Stay out of the bush. If hunting, scream like the crazed redneck you are. This is known to frighten them.
3. They are known to hide in the back of pickup trucks.
4. They like water, be sure to take Grandma Yatzee for a swim at Hick Creek sometime, then run far away as you can.
5. We are not sure what these critters like to do to someone when they catch them. All we know is that they like the hairy side of the family. Cousin Hairy and Aunt Lots of Hair, have been missing for weeks. They are assumed eaten.
6. If you spot one, just run like the mad drunken fool you are.
7. Use your imaginary laser beam to shoot at the critters and hope to god they don't eat you.
8. Take down all signs that say, "All critters welcome."
9. Stay away from Cousin It, the critters seem to like him.
Since I can't count to ten, there will be no number 10.
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