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Matthew Benoit

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Member Since: Apr, 2008

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Bad Joke Hour
By Matthew Benoit
Thursday, June 05, 2008

Rated "PG13" by the Author.

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Story tributing bad game shows in the 70's.

Bad Joke Hour


ANNOUNCER: It's time again for "Bad Joke Hour" and now here's the host and star of the show Weeb Eubank!


WEEB: Thank you, Charlie Rose, our announcer.  And welcome to Bad Joke Hour.  Speaking of bad jokes, did you hear the one about the Mexican and the two lesbians?


MYSTERY HECKLER: Oh sure Weeb, you expect this audience to tolerate racial jokes, be real.


WEEB: Of course for those of you not familiar with the show that is our mystery heckler.  So let me briefly explain how the show works.  I will read a joke to our three contestants and each contestant must come up with the punch line.  If he or she gets the punch line immediately he or she will get $100.  If the contestants are stumped, I will give a hint, which will reduce a correct response from $100 to $75.  After $25 is reached, no more hints will be given and I will reveal the punch line.


MYSTERY HECKLER: Oh sure Weeb, you mean a whole $100.


WEEB: No that's not all.  At the end of the show I'll give each contestant a chance with 4 hints, if needed, to reveal the identity of our mystery heckler.  If the contestant correctly identifies our mystery heckler, what will they win Charlie Rose?


ANNOUNCER: Why they'll be winning a brand new Buick LeSabre Weeb.  Yes complete with full plush interior carpeting, AM-FM radio, tilt steering wheel, two-tone interior, reclining bucket seats, map light, and custom pin stripes.  All total $16,789.  Back to you Weeb.


WEEB: My, oh my.


MYSTERY HECKLER: So where are the contestants Weeb?  Back stage taking steroids I presume.


WEEB: So let's bring out the contestants.  Our first contestant is a housewife and mother of three from Bemidji, Minnesota, please welcome Marge DuPoint.  Hi Marge.  Why don't you tell us a little something about yourself.


MARGE: Well, Weeb I'm a housewife and mother of three from Bemidji, Minnesota.


WEEB: Thank you, Marge.


MYSTERY HECKLER: Boy I think Marge should just collect the parting gifts now, don't you think Weeb!  Excuse me, I can't believe I actually used the two words Weeb and think in the same sentence.


WEEB: Our second contestant is a retired Navy Commander from Shreveport, Louisiana, please welcome Harry Sperry.  Why don't you tell us something about yourself, Harry?


HARRY: Well, Weeb I'm married to a lovely wife for 31 years, Sherry and I have two kids.


MYSTERY HECKLER: Wait, don't tell me, the kids are named Barry and Mary.  Am I right?


HARRY: Oh yeah, that's correct.  How did you know?


MYSTERY HECKLER: Just a lucky guess, Henry.


HARRY: That's Harry not Henry.


WEEB: Thank you Harry.  But if the mystery heckler does indeed know you, I'm afraid we'll have to disqualify you!


MYSTERY HECKLER: No, I wouldn't admit to knowing Harry or his lovely wife Sherry.  Not even on a bet.


WEEB: Finally, our third contestant is a factory worker who's single from Denton, Ohio, please welcome Jeffery Tart.  Jeffery, welcome to the show, why don't you tell us about yourself.


JEFFERY: Thank you Weeb, don't mind if I do.  I work for a large ball bearing plant and my job is sort of in quality control in that I'm responsible for separating the bad ball bearings from the good ball bearings.


MYSTERY HECKLER: Christ Jeff, can I call you Jeff?  That sounds like a demanding job.  You're a Princeton man aren't you?  I can tell by the fat cheeks.


WEEB: Well let's get underway, shall we?


MYSTERY HECKLER: Please do, the suspense is unrelenting.


WEEB: Okay our first joke is:


There once lived a young man in a small village.  This was no ordinary young man.  No, he had no arms and was confined to a wheelchair.  Well, one day when the young man reached his 18th birthday, he decided he wanted to get a job in the village.  He looked through the Want Ads in the paper and came across one that raised his interest.  That afternoon he wheeled himself to the preacher's house to apply for the job.  The Preacher answered the door and was amazed to hear the young man was applying for the job.  The Preacher told the boy he could not perform the job, as he had no arms.  The young man had heard the story many times before and he was not going to take it this time.  He told the Preacher that he was discriminating against him and the least he could do would be to give him a chance.  The Preacher finally agreed and they took the elevator up to the stone bell tower outside the church.  The tower was ten stories high and had four open windows carved in the circular stone structure.  In the center stood the huge bell.  All right said the Preacher, it's almost one O'clock.  Why don't you show me how you’re going to ring the bell.  Well the young man in the wheelchair was nervous, he wanted so much to show the Preacher he could do it, but he wasn't sure how he was going to pull it off.  The Preacher, feeling more and more in a I told you so mood, told him he had 30 seconds till one O'clock.  Well the young man had to do it, so he wheeled his chair as fast as he could the 10 foot distance to the bell and hit the bell squarely with his face.  The Preacher was alarmed to say the least.  But the young man, after a moment's recovery, yelled, Do I get the bloody job?  Taken aback by the young man's defiant attitude, the Preacher told him, Yes, but wondered to himself how in the world the kid was going to pull off 12 O'clock. So the young man had his first job, and he was punctual and never missed a ringing until his third week on the job. By now the young man's facial features were marred considerably and he often complained of headaches so severe he could literally hear bells ringing.  On his first day of the third week the young man's face had become so bloody and swollen that his eyes could no longer focus on the bell.  It was time for the 10 O'clock bell ringing on Sunday just after the first church service.  The young man wheeled his chair forward, but no longer with the ability to see, he flew past the bell and his chair hit the circular wall propelling him out of the chair and out one of the four open windows.  The young man screamed the entire way during his ten story plummet attracting the attention of all the church patrons just leaving the church.  When he hit the ground he immediately died and a crowd encircled his disfigured body. Immediately everybody began whispering, Who is it?. When a young woman from the group finally after analyzing him for quite some time said: (punch line),"_____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____!


WEEB: For 100 dollars, does anybody know the punch line!


MYSTERY HECKLER: Come on Jeff, its right down your alley, the ridiculous and sublime.


WEEB: Well, since nobody knows, I'll give the first hint. It's a famous phrase.  For 75 dollars, anybody!


HARRY: Oh Weeb, could you repeat the joke?


MYSTERY HECKLER: I might have figured good old Harry would have the attention span of a can of Spam!


WEEB: No, I'm not allowed to repeat the joke due to time considerations.


MYSTERY HECKLER: Boo!  Boo!  Hiss!  Hiss!  Bullshit! Bullshit!  What kind of a show is this piece of garbage?


WEEB: No response for $75.  Well the second hint is the phrase has 10 words.  A correct response now worth $50.


MYSTERY HECKLER: Please Marge think of the kids waiting at home in front of the TV saying "God, she yells at us for getting D's in school!"


WEEB: Still no response.  The last hint, for $25, is the 6th word is "face".


MYSTERY HECKLER: $25 bucks Jeff, that must be a day's labor separating those ball bearings.


WEEB: Well, I guess no one knows the punch line.  So I will reveal it to you now. "I don’t know but his face sure rings a bell"


MYSTERY HECKLER: Boo!  Boo!  Bad, very bad!


WEEB: That my friends is why we call it Bad Joke Hour!  Now  it's time to guess the identity of the mystery heckler. Without any hints, Does any of the contestants know?  Okay, our first hint is he's a man!


MYSTERY HECKLER: Wow, what a hint.  Don't you think they could tell by the voice.  Well it would be close with Marge on the panel. It's not too late Marge to take those parting gifts.


WEEB: Well, the second hint is he's under 6 feet tall.


MYSTERY HECKLER: Wow, you guys really want to give away that car!


WEEB: Our third and final hint is, You won't see him in Arizona!  Any guesses at all?


HARRY: I don't know, How about John McCain.


WEEB: No, that's not correct.


MYSTERY HECKLER: Come on Weeb, I think that one was a little too close to call, don't you?  You should confer with the judges.


WEEB: Well I'm afraid we're plum out of time.  Our mystery heckler was none other than Troy Sharp, the voice of the Popeil Pocket Fisherman commercials.


JEFFERY: Damn it, I should have known it!


HARRY:  Mary's even got one of em, fancy that!


WEEB: Well, I'm sorry for all the losing contestants, but you're not going home empty handed.  Charlie, tell them the great parting gifts we have.


CHARLIE: Yes, Weeb you're right.  Each contestant will receive the 8th edition of the home version of Bad Joke Hour, as well as a month's supply of Vienna Sausages, also a year's supply of Tastee Pops, the cereal that crunches after it's excreted, and the Funk And Wagnalls 17th edition of their picture encyclopedia spanning from MAUC-MAVO.  Back to you Weeb!


WEEB: Remember all jokes cannot all be bad but those that are we remember forever.  Good night and God bless bad jokes.





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