ALIEN VS PREDATOR REVELATIONS IN TEXAS
PART I – THE COMING OF THE PREDATORS
The Yautja ship passed through the Oort Cloud entering the solar system on its way to the third planet from the yellow star that the humans called the Sun. It was time to return to this planet that their forebears had first visited in humanity’s distant past. Their ancestors were the Gods of these primate’s past. They were known in different places as Thor, Chango, Shiva and Quetzequatal back in the early years of human history. They had intervened early in human history by altering the DNA of these apes so that they would be better tools in preparing the adventure and ritual known as “The Hunt.” In the Yautja (known also as Predators) cargo hull were the eggs of the Xenomorphs kept under the most stringent security because their extremely dangerous nature. The Xenomorphs gave rise to the Earth legends of great serpents/dragons such as Fafnir, Danbhalah Wedo, Nagas and the Egyptian serpent god Seth.
The Yautjas were computer programmers’ extraordaire, their hardware and software was vastly superior to human technology. They built an artificial intelligence system called Cthulu that was deep under the waters of the Gulf of Mexico, it survived in legends as a tentacle god however this was a distortion of what was essentially a robotic entity.
The Yautja ship sent a digital to Cthulu to awaken it for the purpose of the great hunt. The Arecibo Radio Telescope picked up the signal and it was downloaded to the Berkeley mainframe computers and distributed through the BOINC network to the SETI.HOME browsers.
PART II – LIGHTS IN THE SKY OVER THE TEXAS HILL COUNTRY
Jackie Sawyer, the computer wiz of the Sawyer family looks at the SETI.HOME screensaver on his laptop and notices a large spike appear in the graphic display of the statistical data field and exclaims come here cousins and Uncle Drayton. Leatherface, Chop Top and Drayton Sawyer the owner of Roundup Barbecue come running into Jackie’s room. Jackie’s room consists of computer and electronic gear along with a Hoodoo shrine and a collection of horror and science fiction DVDs and books. .Jackie explains enthusiastically to his kin that is a signal from the “Old Ones” that the great writer H. P. Lovecraft and the Necronomicon mentioned. Uncle Drayton says “Well
Jackie since you’re the computer and radio whiz I think it’s time to welcome our friends from the stars to a Texas style barbecue, send out the digital code from the Necronomicon summoning Cthulu and our alien friends.” “Great I have written a decryption program for just that purpose,” said Jackie.
TEXAS NEWSPAPER HEADLINES “UFO spotted over the Texas Hill Country”
Billy Bob and Peggy Sue were drinking beer and making out in Billy’s pickup truck parked near a little bayou when they noticed the Predator craft in the night sky. “Look at that in the sky Billy Bob I bet you that it’s one of those UFOs that the newspapers are talking about” said Peggy Sue.” Let’s take a walk along the road up toward that hill to see if we can a better look,” said Billy Bob. They started walking pass the cypress trees by the river heading up toward the small hill. They heard a rustling in the brush and Billy Bob said “What the hell is that?” Out of the brush sprung a nightmare of man wearing a horrifying mask starting up a chainsaw. There was one last scream before the chain saw severed off Billy Bob’s head which went flying through the air. Leatherface turned to Peggy Sue and disemboweled her with the chainsaw. Chop Top and Jackie brought out the body bags to bag up the meat for the coming barbecue event for visitors from far away.
Heading back home in their pickup truck the Sawyer family noticed a noisy group of males in their 20s and 30s. It was Roy Jones the local crank (methamphetamine) dealer
And his gang who were passing around a crank pipe and tossing down some 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor. Chop Top slowed down the truck and turned off the lights. Jackie and Chop Top grabbed their crow bars while Leatherface got the chain saw ready for action.
Roy hollers “Quit bogarting that pipe Hank, it’s Friday night and I want to get wired because we got a shit load of malt liquor to drink and I don’t want to be falling asleep.”
“What is that noise in the bushes?” Hank hollers. All of a sudden the noise of a chainsaw
fills the air. Hank’s skull is smashed in my Chop Top while Leatherface saws Roy in half and the rest of the gang are quickly dispatched with and their pieces are gathered up in the bags for the barbecue meat.
“For the next meat run we got a whole busload of Christians with the help of our special guests ‘The Yautjas’, “Uncle Drayton declared. “Now that will be prime meat compared to those druggies.”
After twilight down a lone country road rolled along a bus with the lettering Jesus’ Children Vacation Bible School painted on it. A moving shiny bright star appeared over the Texas Hill Country growing in magnitude. Jimmy Smith looked out the window of the bus and exclaimed to Betty McCain “Look Betty that looks like one of them UFOs
That you see in the movies like “Close Encounters” or “The Day The Earth Stood Still.”
“Now Jimmy Smith you should know better than that! Haven’t you been to church lately and listened to Reverend Jimmy Cracker’s sermons?” “ If you had you would know that is no such thing as alien life in the whole universe, just like there is no such thing as evolution or global warming, only stupid people like scientists believe in that stuff.”
All of sudden a bright light surrounded the bus and brought it to an abrupt halt. The driver and the teenagers got out of bus. As they did three large humanoids about 8 foot tall with facial armor and long dreadlocks appeared out of nowhere. The Predators focused in with their infrared vision on the terrified assembly and let lose their spears. They then evaporated the bus and returned to their ship. The Sawyer clan came out of the bushes and quickly gathered up the meat part of which was going to be used for feeding the Xenomorphs so they would grow quickly for the hunt of course the Sawyers would get their share plus the meat would be catered as Drayton Sawyer’s Last Round Up Barbecue award winning chili con carne to Reverend Jimmy Cracker’s congregation
As a free donation to his church for a special prayer service for the missing teenagers and the bus driver.
Headlines appeared in Texas newspapers, MISSING PEOPLE IN THE HILL COUNTRY, ALIEN ABDUCTION OR CHUPACABRAS?
A fundraiser was being held in the Medina River Valley nearby because of large picnic areas and creeks and grasslands. Reverend Jimmy Cracker did not particularly care for a lot of the residents of this area because they were Catholics descended from the mixed French-German settlers from the Alsace-Lorraine of France. To Reverend Cracker Catholics were alcoholics who gambled and belonged to a Satanic Cult as he said in his sermons “The Roman Church is the Whore of Babylon.”
Drayton Sawyer’s large RV with the letters Last Round Up Barbecue pulled up in the campgrounds and with the help of the lay members of the church delivered several free hot steaming vats of chili. Reverend Jimmy Cracker thanked Drayton Sawyer for his generosity and act of Christian giving.
Reverend Cracker led his congregation in a short prayer thanking god for this good wholesome food. The crowd dived into the chili eagerly. Sally Jones exclaimed to Reverend Cracker that this was the best chili she had ever eaten. After an hour of gorging themselves on chili and lemonade a dark shadow fell over the campground.
The Predator ship landed close by the picnic and uncloaked itself. A force field of a mile radius surrounded the campground so no one could enter or exit. Just outside the perimeter of the force field Jackie Sawyer set up his digital camcorder, computer and audio system and said to Uncle Drayton we are going into computer gaming software business and a make a killing with a hot new video game based on this.
Three of the Predators surrounded the terrified church members who were frozen in fear. Those who tried to escape were quickly speared. They brought out several large leathery eggs and placed them among the people. Shrieks filled the air as the face huggers attached themselves to the people. Within a couple hours the chest busters where smashing out of the rib cages and scampered to the remainder of the chili vats and gobbled up the rest of the chili. The aliens grew rapidly in a geometric progression gobbling and enclosing the remaining humans in their webs.
The Xenomorphs had grown to sufficient size for the hunt to begin. The largest Predator found the largest of the aliens and assumed traditional fighting stance. The alien charged at him and he speared it in the shoulder. It was barely slowed down and charged again this time he used the spinner blades and chopped its head off. Acid oozed al over the grass which then began to smoke. He broke off the alien’s tail tip and opening his helmet burned a scar on his forehead as a symbol of triumph in the hunt.
The other Predators followed the same ritual of triumph in the hunt. The alien Xenomorphs fought fiercely as twilight turned to night. The humans were all basically dead meat way before the end. Finally the last Xenomorph was killed. The Predators boarded their ship and rose a few hundred feet above the 1 mile radius of the hunt and chemically cleaned up the remaining mess.
Jackie Sawyer and his kin packed up his electronic gear and went home to develop his first person shooter video game AVP Over Texas.
The following day FEMA personnel sealed off the area and told the press that a freak tornado had descended on the campground and FEMA was the total authority over any investigation.
A STORY BY JACK BESSLER
Acknowledgements To: Tobe Hooper, Dan O’Bannon and Ron Shusett, Ridley Scott, Paul Anderson, John and James Thomas and H.P. Lovecraft