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Jack Kuperman

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How to make a child in three months.
By Jack Kuperman
Thursday, December 11, 2008

Rated "G" by the Author.

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How, really?

Three months is a lot of time.

Many things can happen during three months.

You can learn to surf Internet or you can learn to use Windows in three months.

You can see all the chapters of "Friends" in three months.

You can find the love of your life.

And you can lose it in three months.

But they always said that you cannot give a birth in three months.


We decided to check this hypothesis.

So, some one hundred and forty experiments were proposed.

Only thirty-one were executed.

Here are some of them.


1. Try harder and maybe you will succeed.

There were three candidates in this experiment.

One gave the nature to go its way.

Second said every day the mantra of "Birth. Birth." for 78 times 3 times a day.

Third tried to force the growth with reading and music.

The results - all three didn't give birth in three months.

After inspecting all the data, it became clear that the first and the third forgot to inseminate.

And the second went to Tibet on second month and all the traces of this candidate were lost.


2. Musical Chairs.

Five candidates with four chairs - that is the setup. In addition, a guide with CD.

The idea of the experiment is to create super-quick contestant who then will give super-quick birth.

The results - all five did not give birth after thee months.

After inspecting all the data, it became clear that after two weeks the newborn group ran away to perform on Broadway.


3. Shrink your way to the birth.

Six candidates. Two pregnant women, two not (we do not mean not women, we mean not pregnant), two men and one Shrink.

The rational behind the experiment to MAKE candidates want to give birth in three months.

The results - all seven didn't give birth in three months.

After inspecting all the data, it became clear that both pregnant women were so busy with moaning about difficulties of pregnancy, that did not hear the shrink.

Mispregnant women and one man began after two months to vomit each morning (and dinner, and supper, and night) and ate pickles with cakes all the time.

The Shrink loved the idea of pregnancy so much that by inadequate help of another man and then by artificial insemination became pregnant with trio (boy, girl and sandwich).


4. Shrink your way to the birth II.

The same experiment but this time with shrink-man.

The results - very similar to those with shrink-woman.

The difference, that all eight went to Oklahoma to live in commune.

They say that there are now 28 in it - all descendants of this somber experiment.


5. Get the money to do the job.

Five candidates with very good incentive to give birth quickly - each day after two months that they did not deliver, the payment went down by five thousand dollars. Therefore, if they would succeed to do the work in three months, they will have a million dollars in bank.

The rational behind the experiment - Need we really to explain this?

The results - negative.

After analysing the experiment, we understood what happened:

The first woman did not know the math, and believed that even after nine months she will have enough money and did not try too hard.

The child of the second woman heard about the prize and demanded his share. When denied (as being too infantile) felt humiliated and refused to collaborate.


6. Get the man to do the job.

One very motivated man who will get a million dollars if he succeeds.

The results - almost.

In the end of third month, the man was carried to hospital with pains in lower stomach and dripping water from between legs.

In the maternity hospital, they found that he just ate too much and was very drunk to control his needs.


7. Get three women to do the job.

The setup: three women trying to give birth in three months.

The rational behind is that nine divided by three is three months. So Let women divide the pregnancy between them.

The result - We will know it nest six months. However, it seems that all three will go through the original nine months because they like too much the treatment and other two women to stop it earlier.



*Side comment - Just think how much work had we to do for inseminating all those candidates.

Specially men.

Our Specialist worked all nights long ensuring the experiments' success.


And here we are. You see that experiments did not succeed to shorten the delivery time down to 3 months.

On the other hand, the participants DO believe that those experiments were successful (for them).

So, what do you think, should we try harder? Or go to prepare other "How to" book?


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