Become a Fan
By Elad Nostaw
Monday, July 29, 2002
The other day I was amusing myself by swirling my eyes around in my head independantly. I can do this because at birth my mother tripped and the blunt force trauma separated the little muscle that causes the eyes to function together. At first I considered this a curse because all of the school children used to invite me to parties and laugh at my eyes looking in opposite directions. Later in life things changed and my bosses used to invite me to parties for the same reason. Ok, so nothings changed much.
Anyhow, like I was saying I was swirling my eyes around because I was bored. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular but all of sudden I screwed up. One eye looked at the other and they froze in that position. I had achieved the impossible. Who knew but that I, Elad Nostaw would break all of the laws of physics in one afternoon. I was immediately arrested and taken to jail but there I sat in my jail cell with both eyes watching each other. Now at first they weren't staring intensely at each other but kind of out of the corner of each eyes....eye. But then it happened: Yes! Conscienceness. That is to say my right eye suddenly noticed my left eye was staring at it. Well......that pissed off my right eye. Yes it was a very intense eye. That's when it happened again. The left eye....noticed the right eye was staring at it rudely. Now both eyes were staring at each other and Not Blinking. It was a battle of the eyes. Now everyone knows, that if you take two mirrors and place them in front of each other, you'll catch a glimpse of eternity and that's what happened in this case. I saw eternity and it was like looking at a long string of unblinking pissed off eyes fading off yet facing each other in opposite directions. My head became feint and started to spin. I blacked out momentarily and when I regained consciousness I was going down a long black tunnel that swirled into a deep abyss. It took what seemed like ages but eventially everything blacked out and then just as suddenly I was in a blinding white light. I tried not to go 'Into The Light" but it was of no use. Suddenly there was a noise similar to the sound of a fart and I was expelled out onto someone's floor somewhere.
Over in the corner a guy with long white hair was cooking over a stove and heard me land. He turned looking at me and in a complete state of shock said....."What the hell are you doing here!" I think it was god but I'm not sure. I've never seen him and I've heard he never cusses but I don't know. I caught him quite off guard so a little curse might have been appropiate.
He scooped me up and tossed me into some hole in the wall and I began falling again through a long black tube. I eventually ended up coming out another hole (I heard that fart noise again) and landed in a laundry bin. Immediately I sat up and there stood several guys. They were all staring at me wearing very white suits. They looked like lab jackets or something. One guy picked me up with a large pair of tongs depositing me on the table. Then all of them stared a bit, grabbed their chins and went Hmmmm!
"Where am I." I asked.
"That is not as important as how you got here?" One asked.
" I wish I knew" I explained "But I'm not quite sure. What place is this?" I asked.
"You should not be here yet. Your time has not passed and we have to send you back." Another one said.
"Well that's ok by me. This place is very weird. Why are you guys wearing those funny white suits?" I asked.
"We are scientists and your presence here is perplexing the old man!"
"Is the old man god?" I asked.
They all huddled together after I asked that and I could tell they were discussing my situation. Every now and then a head would pop up out of the huddle, look at me and then disappear back into the huddle. Finally they broke from their huddle and one of them approached me and said no. That's it, just no.
I was going to ask something else but I dont think they liked me asking questions because about that time a small bolt of lightning came out of the fixture above my head and shocked me. I was awake but paralyizied. Then a door opened and six small french poodles came in, bit down on my leg and dragged me out through that door. They took me to another room, let go and left through the same door. They yelped alot the whole time and as the last one left the room he turned to me and yelped one more time. I was begining to think I wasn't supposed to be here. After a few minutes passed another guy, very small and wearing large glasses entered the room. He smiled politely, placed me in a chair and took out his notebook. I was still paralyized but could talk so once again I asked a question.
"Are you god? Is this heaven? Where am I?"
He studied me closely but just kind of murmured a bit. Then he held up a card and asked me what I saw?
I looked at the card and on it were ink blots. This particular card looked like a large tree with two monkeys in it. I told him that and he looked quite puzzled. He then turned the card around, scratched his chin, then turned it upside down and showed it to me again.
When I looked this time, it looked like a tree with two monkey's falling out of it. I started laughing and the guy smiled, got up and left the room. I sat there in silence awhile but whistleing a bit. I always did that when I was nervous and I was quite nervous.
Suddenly and without any recollection of it happening, I was somewhere else. It wasn't a room I was in really, but a place. It seemed formless and the outer boundaries seem to change constantly. The area's colors also seemed different. It was always without me noticing it happen too. It was like suddenly realizing that everything was different from this point of time to the next. As a matter of fact I dont think time was involved at all. Neither was space. Here there were no rules and I was just kind of floating in it. Then I felt another presence with me: Another consciousness. I knew then that it was God for sure. He was quite perplexed too. Instantly his thoughts entered mine. The first thing he told me was that I had to go back. I wasn't supposed to be here yet and that I must forget everything I've seen.
I am quite stubborn at times and in a round about way I agreed to do that IF he answered a few questions. A big booming voice entered my head that was quite scary and he informed me that he was God and never made deals. Well, I wasn't letting him off the hook that easy. I insisted. After argueing a bit he finally agreed to answer one three part question. (I am a better negotiator than him.) Here is what I asked:
1a. Why are we here?
a. You are here to care for one another. You are here to learn and grow and become the best individual that you can possibly be. I expect you all to make mistakes but I also expect you to learn from them and do better in each new step of your life.
1b. Why is there so much wrong with the world?
a. There is nothing wrong with the world. Only the choices we make are wrong sometimes. Conscious beings make their own deceisions and at some point they must answer for their actions.
1c. How old are you?
He never answered that so I am assuming god is a female.
Suddenly the place I was in, got even more chaotic and dark. Then I saw a light and was moving towards it. I felt lighter than the air around me like I was flying and then the light got so bright I couldn't see. Then I felt someone slap my face and Bookity, my girlfriend, was standing in front of me.
"Elad! I've told you to stop doing that with your eyes! One day they'll get stuck like that and you'll be cross-eyed for the rest of your life."
I laughed at her and agreed. Then we left and ate dinner in the kitchen. I told her what happened but she shrugged it off to the LSD I did in my youth. What do you think?
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|Reviewed by Deels Isma
|LOL!! this is hilarious!! even my own eyes were doing their own oogling around when i read ur story! lol.
really cool! will stalk u more! lol
|Reviewed by Donna Maris
|hahahahah LOL you are the best. I start laughing before the first line even rolls around in my brain and the letters assemble themselves correctly, right to the last line. No it wasnt the LSD it was the COCA COLA you drank through your misspent youth- before everyone found out there was real Coke in it. lol Hope you & Mz Kity have a great weekend. Miss ya- love ya- Donna|