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How NOT....to Murder Your Spouse!
By Elad Nostaw
Monday, July 29, 2002
Don't take this wrong. The author, in no way, condones murdering anyone. This is a comedy and reflects on no one. I got the idea from watching Bookity, my girlfriend, spend 14 hours a day watching those women's channels and court TV. Both of them broadcast non stop trials or movies about trials where the husband cuts up his wife or the wife slowly poisons the husband. They scheme so well that they almost certainly would get away with it, except for that one smart forensic scientist that found the hair two miles away in a garbage dump 14 years later. It makes you wonder, how many innocent people are in jail doesn't it?
Act 1 The Plan
"You bastard! I found lipstick on your lapel last night. Where were you until three in the morning? Why didn't you call me or something so I didn't have to worry?" She screamed in a feverish pitch.
"Honey! I'm innocent. Really. I work at a lipstick factory. You know that. And the boss wanted me to stay late to test out this new line so that women's lips will look fresh even 14 years after they die. By the way, it works really well. I brought home some samples for you." He replies with bright fire red lips.
"Wipe that stuff off! You look ridiculous! And you know I hate red. It doesn't match those baggy white cotton underwear I always wear. Now get in the kitchen and clean up the mess the kids made yesterday." She answers back.
Big Mike, as he is affectionately known because he looks like a big Polar Bear, walks in the kitchen and grabs an apron. Placing it around his large hips, he is barely able to tie it in the back.
"She's gone too far this time; I think I'll murder her for this." He thinks to himself.
And while he painstakingly does the dishes a sinister-looking character resembling EladNostaw, a minor devil, pops up on his shoulder.
"Yeah! Why don't you just kill her? She'll be better off anyhow. She's miserable. Just look at her in there sitting in your chair, scratching herself and drinking the beer you bought for the guy's poker games on Wednesdays. If anyone deserves it, she does. Go tell her to get out of your chair, you whimp!" Elad says firmly pointing.
"But, I love her Elad. She's my wife of 15 years and besides I think she looks cute scratching herself like that." Mike answers back.
"Stop being a whimp, Mike. Killing your spouse is easy and everyone does it these days. You just have to do it smarter. I mean if you don't get caught, what's the harm?" Elad says rationally.
Big Mike argues back and forth with the little devil Elad on his shoulder, but after two hours of bitter debate, watching her drink his beer and dish pan hands, he decides Elad has a point.
"That's the spirit Mike. We'll show her. Let her accuse you of cheating from a cloud. Think of it this way: You're doing her a favor by sending her to her maker prematurely. She can honestly say you have a real premature problem this time. She'll be better off. " Elad says triumphantly. "Now how are you going to do her in?
"I had thought about poisoning her! What do you think?" He asks the tiny Elad.
"Hey! Now that's using your head. You can get something that doesn't show up in an autopsy. Something like....." Elad thinks while scratching his chin. "How about Rat poisoning? I saw a show once where a guy used that. The box looked just like a small sugar box. You can say that you were taking care of a rat problem and just left the box out next to the sugar box. Then she demanded that you make her coffee and the boxes got mixed up. You wouldn't be lying after all: You are taking care of a rat, sorta. And if you told the cops that, I'm sure they would believe you. Those guys love coffee and I'll bet they've had a time where their wives demanded a cup. It'll be like striking a blow for manhood. They're sure to be sympathetic."
Act Two (The Best Laid Plans)
"OK, now you had better practice the plan. Make her a cup of coffee and use the sugar box. You have to make sure she won't question an unsolicited cup first. If she's suspicious, she might not drink it and poison the house plants instead. That would be the evidence they could use against you and call it premeditated. I saw that on Court TV once. They convicted the guy because they found a dead house plant and tested it. It turned out that she had dumped the coffee on it. They were able to show that twice he had accidentally poisoned her cup which made it Premeditated Murder." the little Elad says.
Big Mike places the sugar in the coffee, stirring it up. Then he takes the cup to his wife.
"Oh how thoughtful, Mike!" She says. "You are such a great hen-pecked husband. I love you!" She says smiling cutely.
Big Mike returns to the kitchen where Elad promptly appears on his shoulder again.
"See! That was easy. You're halfway home, Big Mike." Elad says smiling mischievously.
"No, I can't do it Elad. She said 'I love you' to me. Maybe I should do things more around here for her and I won't have to kill her." Mike says ashamed of his actions.
"No, no, Mike. Don't get weak kneed on me now. She deserves it. Just keep thinking about her drinking up the guys poker beer. And you can find a better wife. Maybe a young secretary that worships the ground you walk on, with really long legs and cleavage to boot." Elad says convincingly.
"I can't do it Elad. I love her. Go back to that hot house you call hell." Mike says sternly.
"Thump!" A sound emanates from the living room followed by a crash, all the while Mike and Elad argue.
"What's that?" Elad asks curiously. He disappears and reappears in the living room.
"Oh my God! She's had a heart attack." Elad states just as Big Mike enters the room.
"No way Elad. She just had a check up," says Mike with his lower lip quivering.
Elad disappears and while Mike is feeling for her pulse, he hears Elad suddenly talking in the kitchen.
"You really did it Mike. You got the boxes mixed up. You've killed her!" Elad says chuckling. "Only you could do a practice run and ACTUALLY get the boxes mixed up. Oh well, Now you can say with conviction that it was an accident. Although, I wouldn't say it was a practice run and you killed her by mistake."
"Oh my God. I've killed my wife, Elad. Do you know what that means?" Mike says in a heightened state of remorse and panic.
"Well, for one thing it means you can get that new Harley Davidson Motorcycle she threw a fit about. She did say "Over my dead body."
"No, that's not funny Elad. I feel awful." Mike says crying. "What should I do Elad?"
"Well, if it will make you feel any better, you can name the bike after her. But If I were you, I'd clean up this mess. What are you going to do with the body?" Asks Elad.
"I'll call the police. Maybe they can revive her?"
"Not a great idea Mike. You used rat poisoning. I was going to find some dead rats you could lay around the house. But now you've killed her and you've never had rats before. They will see right through that. You need to do something with that body and make it look like she was kidnapped or ran away with the Pizza Guy or something. Hey, that might work. Order Pizza and we'll kill that guy and hide both bodies. That way it will look like they eloped together."
"I'm not going to kill anyone else. I didn't want to kill her really. I just wanted her to be nicer to me." Mike says.
"Well, you've accomplished that Mike. She'll be really nice to you now. How much insurance did you have on her?" Elad asks.
"Well, some insurance guy came by last week and they had a sale on the $5 million dollar policy. We bought that on both of us." Mike says proudly. "She could never resist a sale." Big Mike cries more thinking about that.
"Wow. She really is being nice to you now. But that won't look good. Think about it!" Elad says concerned. "You had better get rid of that body and order Pizza.
Elad phones Pizza Hut and orders pizza for one. Now go get that sledge hammer you're always bragging about to the guys. I'll answer the door and get him to go in the kitchen and just as he does, you bash him with the Craftsman Sledge Hammer. Then we'll cut up the bodies in the tub and bury them all around Brown County.
A few minutes pass and the door bell rings. Elad opens the door to see a 16 year old delivery boy.
"Hmmmm this won't work. She's 42 and he's 16. The cops will never believe that." Elad thinks to himself. "I had better stop this and order another Pizza from somewhere else."
"Anyone here?" asks the pizza delivery boy as he looks over the tiny Elad's head.
"I'm down here you idiot!" Elad says. "I hate being small like this." Elad thinks to himself.
"Oh a dwarf. Well, you wont be able to handle this really Large Single Topping Pizza then. I'll just set it on the kitchen table for your dad." The Pizza boy says sarcastically.
"No, that's OK. Hey wait! You can't go in there." Elad states while leaping on the boys leg and vainly trying to stop him.
Just as he enters the kitchen dragging the complaining Elad, Mike slams the mighty sledge hammer down hitting the box and splattering Pizza sauce all around the room. For a second the boy freezes looking into Mike's wild eyes and then as he turns Mike swings the hammer yet again connecting on top of the boys head driving him to the floor. The body quivers on the ground and then ceases all movement.
"Hey I did it, Elad. I got him." Mike says almost proud of himself.
"No, Mike. You got a 16 year old boy. No one will ever believe your wife ran off with him. Just look. He's still got pimples for Christ's sakes. Hmmmm! Let me think. (A few seconds pass) OK, I've got it. I'll call his Dad and tell him the little sarcastic bastard is sick. He'll have to come get him and we'll claim they were all going to elope together as a family. That might work since your wife told everyone you weren't capable of keeping an erection long enough to produce a child. We can just say she wanted children and you were impotent." Elad states proudly thinking of his methodical genius.
Elad hatches the plan into actions. An hour later after having talked to the Pizza boy's Dad, the doorbell rings.
"OK now Mike. Don't screw this up. All you have to do is bash the guy one time and then we'll dispose of all three bodies. It'll be easy but be careful. This man sounded like a really big guy. Don't miss him.
Elad answers the door. As he opens it, a woman in her forties stands towering above him. She is wearing a short skirt and Elad being of the short devilish stature he is, has the vantage point of looking directly up her skirt. She doesn't have on underwear either which has the effect of draining all of the blood supply from Elad's upper thinking head and depositing it else where.
"Anyone here?" The woman asks and then she sees the eight inch Elad on the floor before her. "Where's Johnny? Oh a dwarf! How cute. I'd like to just take you home but I need to get Johnny to a Doctor."
Elad just kind of grunts not being able to think quickly and the woman steps over him and walks into the kitchen. Just as she enters the door, the sledge hammer hits her on the top of the head sending her to the floor. Now there are three dead bodies in the kitchen. (The wife was dragged in there out of sight.)
"Elad. This guys weird. He must be a transvestite. He looks like a really attractive woman." Mike says puzzled.
"That's because it is a really attractive woman, you idiot. You've killed his Mom." Elad says in a state of panic.
"Well, no ones going to believe my wife ran off with another woman and her son." Mike says sarcastically. "What are we going to do?"
"Well, I can call the Dad and get him over here to finish it." Elad thinks out loud.
Seven bodies later, the Dad shows up. In the kitchen are the following: One wife, the Pizza delivery boy, The Pizza delivery boy's Mom, The pizza delivery boy's older brother who's only 17 and is obviously gay thus he won't work as a substitute suitor, an aunt of the pizza delivery boy, The Pizza Delivery boy's best friend (fifteen year old), and some unlucky guy that was supposed to be the dad but turned out to be a census bureau representative. (He would have worked but the dad knew all of these people were over here and so he had to die anyhow.)
(Ring!) The doorbell rings!
"OK now, try and get this right Mike. We can't afford for any more bodies to disappear. Luckyville only has a population of 497 to start with and if the whole town disappears, it will attract attention. You don't want to do that, do you?" Elad asks.
"This was your idea, Elad. How come I have to do all of the dirty work?" responds Mike.
"Look Mike. I was looking out for your best interests. Think about it this way: You'll be free to drink all the beer you want now," says Elad.
"Drop dead, Elad. Just get the door!" Mike says in an annoyed tone.
"OK OK, I'm coming. Hold your horses you impatient bastard." Elad screams as he opens the door.
Once the door is open, a man in a wheel chair rolls in.
"Where's my wife and son. Are you guys having a party. Where is everyone at?" The man asks suspiciously as he wheels in the door.
"They are all in the kitchen." Replies Elad.
The man rolls into the kitchen where Big Mike quickly buries the massive hammer into him. Not realizing he's in a wheel chair, he misses his head and breaks his leg.
"Hey....What was that for. It's a good thing I can't feel in that leg or it might hurt." The man flatly states concerned.
Mike raises the hammer and swings it once again. It misses as the chair is motorized and spins leaving the kitchen. Mike chases him around the door and out through the living room. While this is going on, the door bell rings again. Elad opens it a crack and sees a policeman standing there.
"Can I help you?" Elad asks looking up.
"We've had a report of a disturbance in the area. I noticed all of the cars in your driveway and assumed there must be a party at your house. Do you think you could keep it down?" The policeman asks nicely amidst the screaming and motors whirring in the background and looking down at him. "Hey what's going on in there?"
The cop shoves the door open and enters, kicking the tiny Elad as he enters. Elad tumbles back against the wall unconscious. When he comes too, he's in a jail under hand cuffs.
"Hey! Let me out of here. You can't hold a devil like this!" Elad states emphatically.
A rather large policeman enters and takes Elad to a small room and places him in a chair. He points a bright lamp on him and then sits across from him in another chair. Another man enters also and walks in holding a tape recorder. He sets the device on the table before Elad, advises him of his rights and then pauses for a second. After a long uncomfortable silence he looks at the tiny Elad perched in the really large chair. He looks like Tom Thumb sitting there.
"OK, Elad. We know! Mike told us all about it." The man says in a confident voice. "Do you want to confess or do you need a lawyer."
"I don't need anything. I'm a devil and if I can just get my hands free, I'll be out of here." Elad blurts out.
"Oh! Insanity huh. Well, that won't work here. We have a witness too. You'd better strike a bargain or it's the chair for you as sure as I'm wearing a badge." Says the cocky cop.
"Witness? What Witness?" Elad asks struggling.
"We have statements from Mike who claims he just got home and found seven bodies in his house and that you were trying to claim number eight and nine, if you count the guy in the wheel chair. The cop says he entered the house and you were chasing him around with a sledge hammer. He had to knock you out because you were so crazy. And the man in the wheel chair claims you wiped out his entire family. Mike says you killed his wife."
"That's a lie. I'm a devil. I don't do any of my own killing. Mike did all of that!" Elad claims defiantly.
"Take him away boys. We'll get a Psych Eval done." The detective offers.
The other detective picks Elad up by his tiny collar and carries him back to his cell. There he tosses him into the cell, locking the door and Elad in his tiny padded room. Muffled protests can be heard inside.
Outside the jail Mike looks at the cop and the wheel chair stricken man.
"OK, thanks guys. It'll probably take a few weeks to get the $5 million but we'll meet and split it three ways. The trio then separate and temporarily go their different ways.
Mike looked up at the bars from the second story window to see Elad standing in the window sill behind the unbreakable glass protesting and swearing at him. Then he turned and walks away.
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|Reviewed by Donna Maris
|Hahahahah I laughed and laughed everytime I read it. Your pen carries such Wit! Wiggle it in my direction!! hahaha =)|