I want to be wired for love. It’s not that I have never loved before, but I don’t do it very well on a consistent basis. You see when there is trouble or arguments; I go running – retreating to myself. I want to be in a relationship where I understand my partner’s “signals” of insecurity/detachment/(you name it) and to be able to respond accordingly.
How do I know I’m not wired for love? Because the book “Wired for Love” tells me so. The author Stan Tatkin explains how I can understand my brain and attachment style to help defuse conflict and build secure a relationship. Basically there are three types of brain wiring with generic labels. It’s very similar to the story of goldilocks and the three bears. There’s the chair too small (an adult island), the chair too big (an adult wave) and the chair just right (an adult anchor). I created this comparison between the types of an adult’s brain wiring to the children’s story, because from my quick summary of the book the way your brain is wired for love today greatly depends on how you were loved as a child (and the amount of dysfunction in the household).
My brain has been wired to be an island. Remember I mentioned how I retreat to myself. I like my space and I especially like it if there is conflict. However I want to learn to be an anchor, where I can know how to diffuse the conflict, and still get along without running to a corner. That’s where the book “Wired for Love” has helped me so much. It really is a manual teaching you how to rewire your brain to change from a smaller chair to a chair that is just right. And the best part about it, there is no perfect “just right.” I don’t get the impression the author wants you
to become a brand new you. He provides guidance on how to refine what you have to get what you want.
And how long should I practice my wiring for love before it becomes a success habit. Well, there’s another book “Outlier” by Malcolm Gladwell. He says yes, there are times when success happens overnight. However, there’s been research to prove it takes 10,000 hours to become successful. That means I have 10,000 hours to practice wiring my brain to transition from an island to love anchor. Then after I become successfully at it, I have to continue the practice or else my chair might get too small again. This is very exciting. I’ve already begun practicing wiring my brain for love.
Let’s see - what other areas of my life I can improve with these concepts.
I want to be wired to communicate. It’s not that I don’t communicate. I’m doing it right now. However, I don’t do it very well. As I mentioned earlier, when there is trouble or arguments, I go running – I shut down – I close up shop. I have literally pursed my lips shut, shook my head vehemently to indicate a no response, so I didn’t spew out something I might regret later. Yes, I’m communicating I don’t want to talk about the subject, but is this really a good way to communicate my thoughts? No, especially if I’m at work. But yet there are the times when I simply want to walk away from the situation and retreat to my cubicle.
Public speaking is the number one fear for most people. However, many people look at public speaking as standing up in front of a group of people delivering a speech. Yes, that is public speaking, and I am fairly good at drafting a speech and delivering it. I haven’t always been this way, but I have practiced over time and I am comfortable with it. That doesn’t mean I’m successful.
However, there’s a more common type of speaking which I do so poorly. It’s those impromptu speaking moments where I am not prepared to provide an answer. Those times in an elevator with a stranger or a colleague, and they start a conversation by asking me a question from left field. It’s often in these are times I freeze. So, if I freeze during a casual question, you can best believe I get frozen when the question is demanding of me, or asking something that takes me out of my comfort zone.
Remember the 10,000 hours for success? That’s where Toastmasters has helped me. I haven’t reached those numbers of hours yet; that’s why I’m still in Toastmasters and will remain for a long time. Honestly I don’t think I know anyone who might have 10,000 hours of Toastmaster speaking. If so, there are very few. This means most of us in Toastmasters are amateurs. We continue to speak to become successful.
So where did I get a manual for public speaking whether in a speech or impromptu situations? Toastmasters International has many manuals to help on all levels of experience, whether you want to become a better speaker in front of 100 people or just one. That’s why I have been a member for many years. I'm not even close to achieving my 10,000 hours for success. The benefits of practicing speaking in Toastmasters is the camaraderie and having so much fun along the way.
I am confident I can use the 10,000 hours for success and love anchor concepts to improve many areas of my life. Next, I want to be wired to ...