minutes of first trip
I have taken a dose of L.S.D. for the first time in my life. Following instruction I had breakfast and found a comfortable spot on the solitary sandy beach facing a vast panorama of lake, mountains, snow peaks sunbursts, clouds et all. Could not have chosen a better day or a better spot. I am expecting a parade of Acid induced strange or at least unusual experiences. I have been keenly observing for a couple of hours now every forms, colors, contrast etc in my field of view in order to assess and record the minutes of my initiation to this altered state. .. But no, after hours of watching and feeling I have to conclude that I have been experiencing a painter’s delight kind of day perhaps more vividly than usual on account of my intense attentiveness and expectations. I have examined as perhaps never before all nuances and features of the clouds , large and small , bright and dark . I have conscientiously observed in depth all thing that struck my eyes. The bright bursts of light here and there, the gigantic white wave breaking ever so slowly over the mountains to the north. The splattering and splashes of tattered smaller dark gray clouds and the sprays of sunlight reflecting off the wind ruffled surface of the lake which alternately appear like a flock of birds of pure light which squirt through the pupil and get caught like brilliant diamonds on to the occipital screen. On the opposite shore the hill that is closest to me is hazy against the diffused brightness except as it rises steadily out of it so that at the top its line is strongly silhouetted i n a Vandyke brown like color forming what really looks like a hog’s back. Dark and solid its humps stand against distant shafts of light revealing breaks in the tumultuous cavalcade which being low and close to the vanishing point are hidden to view. There are so many shapes and they vary so much in the intensity of color and brightness. They go from Nickel’s patented somber dark bluish grays or, oddly enough it occurred to me, disturbingly glaucomic. like the opacity of theTV screen when the set is off. And then there are brilliant almost intolerably pure white thin sheets of vapor filling in the spaces between the heavier clouds. Suddenly one of these dark wanderers obscures the sun and the mood changes abruptly. The flock of pure light birds disappear and the wind swept surface of the long winding lake is chilled in shimmering gray schist like tone which the moving waves transforms it before my eyes into the scaly skin of a giant snake. The enormous monster is moving, Slithering steadily northwards towards Mount Thor and Mount Odin . These great mountains are still buried by the static fury of that humongous wave which I am inspire to read now like the score of an orchestral fortissimo. I hear and see blinding blasts of brass, billowing luminous rising choruses , pinkish flute sustained notes counterpointing the more bombastic somberness of horns cymbals and drums while at a more perpendicular angle, up above me, isolated pure cerulean notes pierce through and ascend soprano like out into the serene yonder. By their extraordinary singularity they directs my peripheral visions to acknowledge with great resolution the ominous stampede of gigantic dark Jurassic notes . Now I feel this is overwhelming me and something kin to panic urges my mind to pick out of a the whole enormous and threatening score a single clear point of contrast on which to anchor itself as it feels about to be swept away or trampled by this wildly turbulent flood of sensations. And so my sight is mercifully snagged and clings fast onto the dark curving hump of the hog’s back and focusing intensely on it, finds stability as this most solid and stable feature against the oblique light squalls and surrounding turbulence, rends the tremendous turmoil and placates it somewhat. As I hang on to it with relief and steadily keep my focus I am surprised to suddenly notice coarse hair on the hump of the hog’s back and coarse hair that is sticking straight up just as the hair on the back of my own neck is immediately electrified to do the same sending chill down my back. Then just as shockingly every sense melds into a jolting charge of energy which is apprehended finally as a solipsist special moment. It is- I recognize quickly, a peremptory declaration of the dominance of the final cause that hit me as a blinding explosion which by revelation consumed and annulled completely all that had appeared to be real or natural up to that moment !
But what? WHAT ? WHAT DAMN IT! And in the momentary vacuum created by my anguished suspense a sound I heard ! It came not from out there as a cloud shattering booming voice one may be led to expect but strangely at the same time from a deep and yet immediate within, Echo like! A recent recollection… A feeble yet so distinct and a tender a word that stunned me with its absolute clarity and significant simplicity and its transcendent meaning instantly embe dded itself in the purest amber of the mind forever complete and perfect , one sound. The sound of a stirring babe.
And yeah, I know it is not hogs hair , and they were not birds of light and this huge shimmering snake is a lake and the dinosaurs.... Well, I am not having an L.S.D experience but a very normal if much reflected upon experience on a picture perfect afternoon all by myself . Author and spectator. On a solitary beach. I might have achieved the same effect snipping a tiny square off a 20$ bill and chewing on it for a couple of hours and none would have been the wiser. But I won’t give up yet as I had to do eventually with Marjy, Amanita Muscaria and magic mushrooms. I bought six little squares of strange paradise. So I am planning a triple doseSecond trip postcard
I met my friendly dealer at the Internet caffe’, he was anxious to know how I made out with my first experience. I sent him a copy of my written report to read and I got busy getting confused with a computer next to him. When I finally gave it up he asked me about my triple dose experience. I told him that It was good material for a story and I didn’t want to tell it before I got it down in writing. I assured him that it was funny . Things have a tendency to go that way with me. He then pointed to the computer screen and told me that he had just read the story of the single dose effect and that it sounded like a hell of a good trip to him. It made me laugh because it reminded me of Bicycle Doug ‘s reaction when I told him that I drew a complete blank from the small fortune of magic mushrooms that he had supplied to me. I also explained that the same thing had happened to with Marijuana in the late fifties and again many years later and ditto for Amanita Muscaria. Doug puckered his mouth like he was sucking through a straw. He does that when he is doing some deep thinking, plus he scratched his head, his beard and then even under his arm, which is also the technical part of his thinking process and then with it completed and -I am sure- having considered what I had written all over my cabin and my outhouse inside and out and also my copy of “The Sint” , he arrived at a reasonable if not strictly clinical diagnosis and pointing an assertive his finger at my forehead he said that- You know, things may be so high in there in their natural state that the damned stuff can’t reach it!
Of course By that story alone my friend dealer could not be convinced, which finally prompted me to get at part 2 . Before I do that, I thought I should tell you briefly a bit more about my own reactions to my previous experiments with mind altering drugs. I remember being puzzled at the Marijuana hype long ago and how I felt really surprised when I finally got enough courage to eat a small pie wedge-like of a beautiful red six inch cap of Muscaria. I Expected to be sick and I am rather susceptible by nature so I was doubly surprised when being not only prepared but also predisposed to the rather unpleasant side effect I was spared it and denied the other part. Undaunted I tripled my dose. Same difference. With the rest I made mushroom risotto. For years now amanitas have been part of my summer diet. Sometimes they are so plentiful that I slice them thin and hang them like Carl used to do, to dry them and use them off season, the only thing I must be careful about is the crossing of borders. In Revelstoke One day I found a whole beautiful bunch of them on the grassy median right in front of the Home hardware store. Aand as I was eagerly collecting them, a gentleman approached me and conscientiously warned me about these being a well known poisonous specie. And that was not the only time. I like to add that the L.S.D. 1 failure turned out to be a wonderful experience for me , and just now I am going over the notes that I scribbled in real time on the margins of the book (wouldn’t you know!) “THE LIVING BRAIN” by W. Grey Walter.
11 am First dose ever. - ---------notes following notes following notes and then a really unexpected note!
2.15 pm. Hungry!
Funny, Teresa had told me to eat a good breakfast before starting because later the thought of food might not be pleasant and the actual stuff may look disgusting. But gee, I could eat a horse!
3 pm. It is confirmed beyond any doubt I am starving , I am looking for a horse! Luckily none around. So I make myself a Swiss cheese sandwich. I use my golden ratio, One third bread, one third cheese and one third unsalted cultured European type butter. With it a nice glass of California Franciscan Burgundy and I get back to my post. I check everything out again as I start eating to see that nothing has changed while I was in the van, and everything is the same, and I realize that I have felt this way innumerable times and came to the conclusion that nothing in the world , substantive or abstract could have been added to make the experience, the ease, the pleasure and the synthesis and the sandwich and the wine any more perfect. At 77 free from libido and love this is it! Oh Yeah , I have become one year younger just recently. I met Jim the other day, he is about my age, in fact a year older . Oh yeah ! Got to throw this in it too! We don’t meet very often and so usually it is long enough between to forget each others’ names. So one day I proposed and he agreed that when ever we meet instead of quickly rummaging up there I should simply say “ Hi Claudio to him and he should respond by greeting me by his name” Would work wonderful at parties where To me everyone there would be named Claudio and every Claudio would call me whatever their name happened to be. Anyways I haven’t been to any parties lately but it works really well with me and jim. Oh Yea, so we met and by and by he asked me how old I was. I said 78 because I remembered being 77 the year before and 76 the year before that and so on I have no idea how many years back. But Jim wrecked it like a house of cards with a simple mathematical operation. He is 78, and was born in 32, so being born in 33 I could only be either 76 or 77, but ( Quantum aside) definitely not 78!
Well gee wiz, I was so happy I could have kissed and blessed him. You see I thought I was likely going to be late for my big appointment or maybe even default altogether. This is still possible but as of the other day I stand a good chance of leaving ten years on the banquet of life for the poor. It was- I had decided 7 or 8 years ago- the minimum amount that would give adequate meaning and honor myto my proposition to overcome death by sacrificing ten years of life, and as good as possible a period of life as I could deliver. Now thanks to Jim , I had time to get in good shape again and deliver the full price as I intended in order to deserve the greatest prize. I Came close to failure again recently, very close according to doctor Connaly, but according to doctor Robinson prediction of my life expectancy declared to me 7-8 years ago I am now right on track sgsin. Ye ah, I have made an attempt to add two years to my sacrifice up on Mt Niut , and failed, but then it is possible, and I like to believe probable that I still had things to do. So anyways I will now proceed with my LSD 2 and then I shall be a free man in good shape.
Where the hell was I? I hate reading my own stuff. … mmmh. Oh Hell! I had breakfast, late as usual. But By 12-15 pm I was at my post. The weather had improved –ah that is relative, anyways the sun dominated , no wind, a few summer clouds, the lake calm, a silver platter on which the day’s before scenery was tuned to a brighter contrast, only the cumuli over the Thor and Odin mountains where still hanging about isolated and seemingly posing no threat. I brought all the pillows down- and I have accumulated a lot of soft duck and geese breast pillows over two years… but then one can never have too many soft pillows in life, actually and metaphorically, So I piled them up on the sand against the old log , took my clothes off and laid down on them. Like the Eucharist I placed my three little squares of pass partout under my tongue for a few minutes , then I started chewing and salivating them.
I had done a lot of observations the day before and so I thought It would not be necessary for me to do another inventory, plus I was on a triple dose so I just relaxed like a beachcombing Nabob on all my pillow, closed my eyes and absorbed my father’s tonic rays. 2 hours into it, I decided to avoid a paternal scolding and put my clothes on again. I was in a relaxation mode, no expectation , just quietly waiting for something to start happening and to just become effortlessly aware whenit did . By that time the sun was straight up over my eyelids which were luminescent and I started noticing a hue of red that so far as I could recollect, I had never noticed before. I never bothered to check the time, but I knew that it most have been some hours since I had consumed the little squares. I was hopeful. Not long after I had convinced myself that I had never before on a similar sunny day had Iever noticed that particular hue of redness. I also noticed that whereas initially the color was diffused evenly Now some forms where beginning to take shape. It was encouraging. I focused my mind on those rather indistinct shapes and in a little while they became more defined. Eventually distinct enough that I thought I recognized them. I continued my observation of them and finally and then alas- with finality I concluded that I was looking at the most perfectly shaped and beautifully red colored jujubes.
60 dollars worth of jujubes?!! COME ON! Still I would not give up. I waited. There is got to be more than that! Patiently I concentrated on what definitely looked like a pile of jujubes with- eventually I reflected wisely- a chance of a sun stroke. By then I was also very hungry. All I had conjured as a vision was a bunch of jujubes! My thinking now was: 1 I am hungry. 2- I have been at it with the endurance and zeallike I was waiting for the second coming. 3- the jujubes had acquired a definite character of permanency and exchangeability. 4- I was stuck in jujubes!
I looked at my watch, I had been at it for over 6 hours. I did not close my eyes again. I did not want ot see jujubes. I took my pillows dumped . them in the van and took off to the store ten miles away. I met Millie. – I hear you have been sick! she said . we had a little chat. They were getting ready to close. We parted and I rushed to the bins. Jujubes…jujubes.. where the hell are you? I found them, I gawked at them like a kid. They were not the same. They will never be the same as in my vision. I decided to sleep in the parking lot. I reclined on my bed with my head against the large window and yeap! It is the season. All I needed was some flies stuck inside and yearning to get out. I know what I will be doing for the next hour or so. With my shot Glass to the rescue! Some are beyond being rescued they are so small. They are as small as the smallest comma and To trap them between the window pane and the shotglass is easy, but to slip a prepaid telephone card in between so to trap them and transport them out to freedom is almost impossible without injuring or guillotining them. So I name the smallest one NIETZKY, or Freddy. And I rantle and rave at him as I go about freeing the others. They are all zig-zagging up and down in a frenzy. They are barely visible yet I feel and I recognize their angst when in a hight of despair or in being disturbed by a big house fly they decide to ram through the invisible barrier knocking themselves silly. And when Nietzky resort to that, I chide him and yell at him, and curse at him “ the will to power Freddy, use it damn you!“ Yeah the Overman! THE OVERMAN IS THE ONLY WAY YOU STUPID S.O.B.! And you can’t be the Overman on this side of the glass! IT’s the other way! Where it is darkest, where you feel is most frightful dragon ! Into the dragon’s mouth Freddy! That is the way of the Overman. Where it is naturally most frightening and abhorrent for you to think of going, there is hidden the greatest prize.