Was in the first Iraq skirmish, didn't seem to do me any good except maybe mess up my mind and give me PTSD.  Still hear the goddamn bombs going off, still smell the stench of war, blood, and death, still see dismembered bodies strewn everywhere like discarded rag dolls ... men, women, children, old people: didn't make no difference.  Anybody got caught in the way of the enemy, they were shot or killed.  

End of statement.  War is hell on everybody, not just the victims.  We soldiers, we suffered badly, too.  Can't tell how many times I saw buddies shot, killed, even taken hostage by the enemy.  For days, months, no weeks, I didn't know anything; more often than not, they were killed for crimes they didn't even commit.  

This is why I no longer trust anybody, especially the Arabs.  None of them are to be trusted; to me they are nothing but a bunch of thieving, two-faced liars!  And those who live/work here are even worse: you don't know what they are plottin' behind our backs.  Look at the guys who did 9/11.  They were living/working here.  Ever since, I've had a burning hate for people who are Arabic.  

Didn't help that one of my buddies from high school got killed that day.  He died in one of the planes that hit the towers.  I have not forgiven those who did this and it don't look like I will anytime soon.  Maybe that means I will rot in hell, but hey, I don't fuckin' care!  

Anyways, when I got back, the government, they promised they'd take care of me.  Yeah, right.  They took care of me right into the streets.  I am now homeless; lost my house to foreclosure before foreclosure became fashionable, and been on my own, fendin' for myself ever since, goin' on 20 years now, almost.  It ain't no way to live, but I know how to make it.  I've developed street smarts.  

I just thank the Good Lord above that I have friends who help me.  I and my homeless buddies go to the shelter for a good meal to eat, a place to sleep if it's bad out or cold, and we get free medical care when the medical van comes once a month.  And whenever I need to go to the VA hospital here in Fort Worth, the VA comes with their special bus and takes me there.

We also go to the missions church on Sunday and Wednesday nights and tomorrow night, the Beautiful Feet ministries will do their summer outreach with a cookout and praise/worship music and preaching.  Don't know if I will go to that.  The Lord must be mad at me for badmouthin' him like I do.  I cuss, drink booze, but hey: a guy's gotta have some semblence of tryin' to keep hisself from goin' crazy, y'know??  I don't want to end up like "Charlie-The-Crazy", this goofy guy who thinks George Washington lives inside his head and tells him things.  Weird things.  

If you wanna know the truth, people like "Charlie-The-Crazy" scare the livin' WOO! outta me!

I ain't worthy to be loved by Someone like Jesus Christ.  Why would He love me when I cuss and hate people the way I do?  If He knew what I'd gone through and continue TO go through, maybe He'd understand at least a little, but then again, I somehow think He does.  After all, the Guy died on a wooden cross.  I guess He loves even me, but I ain't ready to commit myself to Him.  Maybe one day, yes, but not now.  Got too many issues floatin' round in my brain now as it is.

I just hope I end up in a halfway house so I don't gotta sleep in the streets no more.  I haven't had a good night's sleep in I don't konw how long, and this ain't no life, even for a dog or a cat, let alone, a person who served their country honorably!  Veterans deserve so much better in life from their government: there's somethin' inherently wrong when Veterans are sleepin' in the streets or struggling to survive from check to check every month, with no breakthroughs in their lot in life!

Well, I just made myself cry again.  Goddamnit, will these tears ever stop?? I am tired of crying; I am tired of living like this!!  If there even is a God (and I know there is), I need a miracle from Him like right now!! 

~To be continued.~