Every year at this time when I drive by a local park by my house I can’t help but hear the loud croaking of those horny frogs. In almost all of the species it is the lonely male frog that has to “croak” in order to attract the female. In the human species the males usually croak after we catch the female. Just look in your local papers obituary section; even if a man lives to be a hundred he’s usually: “survived by his wife.”

Male frogs croak to attract the female—the female frog does what most females do in every species; sits and waits for the right man to come along. A male frog with a sexy voice is kind of like a male human with a sexy voice—they both get noticed. When a male frog becomes horny he has to have sex—RIGHT NOW! He will jump on anything that resembles a female frog; including other male frogs. When he finally finds his lover, he hops on and uses his specially adapted thumbs to lock himself on the female.  The male frog must hang on tightly to the female; if he doesn’t other males will try to join in on the fun. Even if she says “No I’m not ready” the male frog has his way until he’s finished and the female eggs are fertilized. If a man latches on and the woman says no, he goes to jail or gets his specially adapted thumbs cut off. Ah, the disparity of the species.

Sometimes when I drive by the park at night with my windows down the male frogs croaking in unison can be heard several blocks away. How can such a small frog make so much noise? Answer: the male frog is able to puff himself up much like the stretched membrane of a drum. Wow, that’s what I call horny! This is what enables the male frog to create so much noise. When a man puffs his chest out and talks loud he is a chauvinist—jeez women, can’t you see we’re just horny.

On this first day of spring many men are finding themselves very horny. Of course we can’t just walk up to a woman and say that unless we want a good slap in the face. It would be a lot easier if a man was able to change the color of his face. Yellow means he’s happy, blue means he’s sad, and red means he’s really horny! That way all he has to do is walk around with his red face until he meets the right woman. It would be nice if the woman’s face would turn the same color so the man would know she was horny to but let’s not get too carried away.